Tick! Tok! Tick! Tok! oh that wretched sound, why didn't I change that clock a long time, i've had it on my list of "to do stuff" for ages now, well that and all the other things on the list that i've been holding back for so long, who knows maybe i sort of subconsciously wanted it, no needed it, to keep me from falling into my slumber and leave me ransom to these demons, its like their standing there on the gateways of oblivion waiting for me to step inside, i even remember humoring myself seeing how long i can resist them, standing on their gates and watching them growl without giving them the comfort of feasting on my mind.
But that was a long time ago, in an age where humor and i could be phrased in the same sentence, oh how i miss those days, they seem so far now and distant, they seem like they belonged to a different human, A species i no longer attribute myself too, no how could I, i cant be like them, look at them walking around talking, singing, crying, yes even crying is an emotion long forgotten, everything now seems so bleak, and tasteless.
i actually ask myself can anyone actually see the world through my eyes and not feel how i feel, a world so cold and grey, just grey by the way, no shades, no different tones, no smell, no emotions, but ive learned to adapt to that, in some strange sick way I've made it my new home, something i feel comfortable in...comfortable in?!?! wait that's not right! that mustn't have come out right!, comfortable? How did that thought even creep in, comfortable is a feeling i haven't felt in ages, not since...no! i remember now, but i dont want to remember, i cant remember! i have to stop myself, stop! what was that damned technique that doctor taught me, damn! if only i had paid more attention, he was muttering some strange stuff about saying no! and using an elastic band, made me crack a laugh back then, but im guessing its not so funny now. i hate it when my mind wonders down that path there's no stopping it and i dread what's at the end of that road, ive tried every possible way i can to lock them up, keep them out of my mind, i cant have them running amok all over again, there's no stopping them and they make all this feel so comfortable. Damn I hate that word!
i remember the last time they were here i ended up in the nuthouse, and there he stood infront of me looking all shiny in his white coat and tie, hands in pocket and a big ass smile on his face, Dr. Shula was his name, i remember him so well claiming he can help, all he needed to do was understand through my words what i was going through; sympathy they called it; no, it wasnt that, i wasnt even good enough for that, they had to have some weird fucked up medical term for it, all i remember was it started with an "E" and sounded the same, ironic!
So he wanted to know what i was going through, well so did i, i wanted to grab his head and smash it into mine and make him FEEL what i was going through, live it and experience it. voices he said, and they were all in my head. In my head you jerk! They were not in my head they were all around me, over me and in me! I remember them very well; no i dont! I dont want to! go away from me!
But it always starts off like this i somehow walk near the edge and i slip off, i feel my heart beat racing as i start to plummet, and as i get closer i start to smell them, their stench, then my body goes cold and limp, its like your standing naked and alone in the middle of the arctic at night, they know your vulnerable and scared and they enjoy it, they want to take their time. its not that they just jump up on you, no! they sneak up, it starts of with a hiss, or some other sound, then something more complex, more intricate, perhaps a name, your name, i try not to tell them about my loved ones so they dont hurt them, then they become more daring, more intrusive, they lose their shame and bare their teeth, the battle is lost before it even begins.
And now that my heartbeat is racing, what was that damn technique called again! shit! i cant fight them at night, i got to keep it together for a few more hours until the sun comes out, i cant actually believe im begging for the sun to come out, over the years ive learned to hate it i feel miserable when its around, reminds me of my inadequacies, and as such became this nocturnal corpse you see before you, all resembling features are complete as now i share all the essential features; the eyes, pale skin, cracked nails, fetid odor and that god damn gothic look made ever so famous by those crack head satanics.
But i cant give in now not after all this progress, they cant defeat me, i have them locked up and the keys are mine! and there's only a couple more hours until the sun comes up, right? what! its only one! one fucking am. dont panic! dont panic! how can i fucking not panic i can smell them already, Jose is always the first to come out, sneaky and slimy he's annoying but impotent and ive learned to ignore him, its Rodrigo who i fear he doesnt come very often but when he does its like time stops and im his pray to do with as he pleases. id rather die than confront him again. and with them lingering just a few feet away that thought is becoming a lot more appealing, appealing to the extend that the concept of an eternity in hell doesnt look so bad. Atleast there i wont be the only tormented soul, so perhaps that saying of equality in injustice is still fair. And as for my dear Dr. Shula up yours, you'll never understand my demons with your books!
vaporwave
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romaincrisis
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