top gun

James Bond throws up due to trauma at least once per book

Racism

No, really, more racism than you’re expecting

Yes, even for the 50s

At one point Bond writes a letter in his own pee

“All the real hep-cats smoke reefers!”

Many comments on the nature of American culture, including the “exotic pungency” of American road signs

Extended passages of James Bond being racist against various ethnicities you didn’t even know one COULD be racist towards

No seriously, James Bond inexplicably despises Bulgarians

A lengthy passage in which Bond shares his opinion that homosexuality is caused by giving women the right to vote

Bond gets tortured for the first time and immediately comes over all political and philosophical like, “Maybe communism is good actually, and also the Devil is a good guy?”

At one point Bond gets brainwashed by the KGB into trying to kill M

Bond is a grade-A Karen who delivers all of his restaurant orders with lengthy specifics as to how the food should be prepared, and gets pissy if it’s not up to his specifications.

“a gay, happy little crocodile” 

Bond is very excited to learn that in New York there are places where you can watch porn with sound AND color.

James Bond is The Most Boring Man in the World. His hobbies include golf and complaining about food.

Late in the books, Bond’s fiancee is killed right in front of him, and he starts showing PTSD symptoms and, instead of being all macho-man “I don’t need no help,” immediately starts going to every doctor available trying to get treatment

At one point the government tries to offer him a knighthood or some such and Bond messages back that he refuses the knighthood and that “My principal reason is that I don’t want to pay more at hotels and restaurants.” When told that this is too rude, he amends it to, “I am a Scottish peasant and I will always feel at home being a Scottish peasant.”

At one point the Bond girl is tied down by the villain of the book to await being eaten alive by crabs. Bond is terrified for her, but she, being something of an amateur zoologist, knows perfectly well that crabs aren’t gonna eat a living human, so she just chills there on the beach and waits for them to go away.

There is literally a damsel in distress tied to the actual train tracks, presented without irony

An MI6 agent speculates, in an official report to headquarters, that the target may be homosexual because he can’t whistle. Apparently men who can’t whistle are gay.

Bond is drafted to act as the villain’s secretary not once, but two separate times in two separate books. 

When Bond is at a boring party at a hotel conference room and is ordered by his employer to liven up the party, he accomplishes this by ORDERING THE HOTEL BAND, who were previously singing a censored version of some song, TO PERFORM A STRIP SHOW FOR HIM AND THE GUESTS WHILE SINGING THE DIRTY VERSION. This is his second idea, after he previously livened up the party by using one of the girls in the hotel band - the same one he wants to strip for him - as target practice by balancing a false pineapple on her head and shooting it. 

Bond exchanges a look with a fellow secret agent that is said to be “the recognition that exists between crooks, between homosexuals, between secret agents.”

“A hand-painted sign said ‘SNAX’ and, underneath, ‘Hot Cock Soup Fresh Daily’.”

The backstory of the villain of The Man with the Golden Gun is as follows: there was once a circus elephant who got REALLY HORNY and then went on a rampage and was shot by the cops, and then came back to the circus to  pathetically and tragically attempt to perform its circus act one last time. The child who was supposed to ride the elephant in the circus act witnessed all of this, and when the cops shot the elephant dead while performing its tragic act, the boy grabbed a pistol and SHOT ONE OF THE COPS in revenge for HIS ELEPHANT DYING. And that boy grew up to be a deadly, womanizing, hired gun, with three nipples, whom MI6 speculates must be gay because he can’t whistle. And that’s the villain of the book.

These books will make you hate the British as much as every single villain seems to

Waaaayyy more casual drug use than you would expect

like, seriously, at one point Bond is AT DINNER WITH HIS BOSS in his boss’s fancy-ass club, and he orders an envelope full of benzedrine from HQ and just casually pours it into his glass to drink with his champagne.

M lives with the man who used to be M’s Chief Petty Officer on his last naval posting, and who had followed M into retirement, and I am pretty sure they are boyfriends.

two voices call back in response. “hey kid.” “good to see you jake.”

he feels the pause. his hand hovers uncertainly over the door handle. slowly, he turns.

iceman and maverick, happily married couple, have suspended all kitchenly duties to glare at each other. “he was talking to me.”

“no, he was talking to me.”

“everyone calls me pops,” ice says, eyes narrowed. “bradley calls me pops. mickey calls me pops. even cyclone called me pops that one time that was embarrassing for all of us.”

maverick waves a hand at ice, the hand also wielding a knife he was using to chop watermelon. “yeah, but jake calls me pops. he called me pops before he knew you. that gives me pops rights.”

jakes debating just slipping out the door when they both turn towards him. in unison like good wingmen.

“jake, buddy, sport, slugger, who were you talking to?”

he offers a shrug. “uh, both of you, i guess.” it’s the truth, he wasn’t thinking too hard about it, his mind focused on getting to the backyard where he has it on good authority that his loving boyfriend is sweaty and shirtless and waiting for someone to share his lawn chair with.

ice purses his lips. “that won’t do.”

“we can’t both be pops,” maverick agrees. “that’s ridiculous.”

“right,” jake says, “that’s what’s ridiculous about this.”

“a challenge then,” ice forges on, ignoring him. “to determine who’s the better pops.”

solemn as their air boss, maverick sticks his hand out (sans knife) to shake on it. in some funhouse mirror reflection of that one photograph that seems to be everywhere, ice clasps his hand back.

and jake is somewhere between laughing, running, and bursting into tears. because no sane person has ever had this argument before and certainly not over him. nobody’s ever fought to be jake seresin’s pops before.

* does a fucked up little fortnight dance *

I just think these dead fictional characters deserve better

Hunter: nah we'll be fine

*the empire turns up*

Echo:

Hunter:

Tags: @crc-general-orin, @crc-commodore-sana9

Reblogs are love ^-^

-

[Recorder click]

Statement of Tup Fett regarding an incident that occurred in a Junkyard when he was a child.

Audio recording by Tech Fett, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institution, London.

Statement begins

yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

FUCKIN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

no BULLSHIT I KID YOU NOT! Look what I found while walking Home…..

OH MY GOD

OH MY F*CKIN GOD

THIS POST FUCKIN WORKS?!?!?! THIS IS PAST A COINCIDENCE NO WAY!??! NO FRIGGIN WAY!!! 

R E B L O G

T H I S

W H E N E V E R

Y O U   S E E   T H I S

Generally, call 112 if the situation is life-threatening!!!

Here is the one that goes for all of Germany (I think): +49 30 19240

When you are/live in…

Berlin/Brandenburg: +49 030 19240

Nordrhein-Westfalen (Bonn): +49 0228 19240

Mecklenburg-Vorpommern/Sachsen/Sachsen-Anhalt/Thüringen: +49 0361 730 730

Baden-Württemberg: +49 0761 19240

Niedersachsen/Bremen/Hamburg/Schleswig-Holstein: +49 0551 19240

Saarland: +49 06841 19240

Rheinland-Pfalz/Hessen: +49 06131 19240

Bayern: +49 089 19240

Also here are the ones for Swiss and Austria

Swiss: +41 145

Austria: +43 1 406 43 43

(Safe the number that applies to you number in your phonebook)

You’ve never been a hero.