star stuff & pixie dust

i cried this morning after brunch because i didn’t know who my friends were anymore.

i don't know who’s there to understand that no, i don't want to go out because im trying to look after my health. who’s there to understand that sorry no, i can’t chill with you because it’s already 12am and i prefer sleeping before midnight. who’s there to understand that my choice to prioritize my health and academics has taken ahold of my life and inch by inch taken time away from my social life. who’s there to understand that i have a hard time revealing my true self to others. i don't know who’s out there who sees me as more than just a smol bubbly asian girl.

and that’s on me. i don't think i know how to connect with people anymore, or how to reach out for company when im feeling lonely, or how to ask for help when im not okay, or simply how to maintain relationships.

woke up w/ a sore throat...whoops been giving too much head? (hehe jk)

i just skimmed thru past posts and i am shooketh by how everyone seems to be feeling the same simply sad vibes especially with body image cause i almost CRIED in class this morning after scrolling thru instagram. i wish i was pretty

my self image story began after i quit gymnastics. from going from 3+ hours a day of pure physical activity to none at all its inevitable that you’re gonna gain fat and lose muscle mass like yo. i started to be more self conscious about my body especially since my mom and sister have a slender body type while i have a more athletic build and idk chinese culture it’s ideal to be skinny like that and girls aren’t supposed to be strong or have defined muscles etc. 

i clearly remember one day my dad saw a model on tv and he told me i should look like that. my own father, telling me, a 5′2 asian girl in middle school, to look like the 5′11 white model. he told me that girls who are skinny, slender, poised, and elegant are beautiful. so what about me?

i definitely suffered all throughout high school, constantly worrying about how much i weighed and how much i could not eat and run the next day to lose more weight. i think i was around 105 lbs at one point due to losing so much muscle and just not eating as much as i needed to. but we chill fam i got to college and started gymming and now im like 120 and i have some of my muscles back hehe. 

ha but im still suffering. idk what being beautiful even means anymore. right now the trend is to be slim thicccc. i still have blubber in places i’d rather not have blubber. especially my thighs and my stomach and my hips and my arms and my cheeks (both cheeks if ya know what i mean). i hate what i look like. i hate that i dont have the ideal body type or shape. i hate that im pasty pale and have yellow tinted skin. even if i gym to the point that my body is all muscle and i have a low ass fat%, that’s not the move bro. 

looks like it’s time to get back into tumblr

so i’ve been hearing that everyone’s been upset/sad/depressed/unhappy recently...me included ahhhh

seeing that a lot of people are going thru relationship/single issues reminded me of when my ex broke up w/ me. from when i noted that shit was going wrong to a few months after the breakup i kept a small journal of all of my thoughts and emotions and locked it away but today haython prompted me to re-read that shit and wow i was seriously struggling and in love with a boy who didn’t treat me the way i deserved to be treated. and oh boy the rollercoaster between angry and sad ahaha what a time

Honestly, I think that I find it hard to gauge changes within myself. It’s definitely easier to see and explain changes in the retrospect. As it’s been only around 7 weeks, I feel that there has been change but none that are so drastic that I can see and analyze now. However I can affirmatively say that I have gained a lot of insight into the world.

One event that really caused me to stop and think was HAPY. When I was out flyering, I encountered those who could not read. And it was merely that. I never realized how much I have taken my education for granted. It felt like I was living in a blessed bubble and while I knew that there were those less fortunate than I was, it never truly hit me. I felt so disgusted at myself and the whole experience was just so eye opening.

I am also blessed to even have this experience growing with 17 other individuals. I’m really appreciative of the chance that I have had to work on my flaws and learn more about myself. I’ve gained not only more friends but also more support systems.Words cannot express how truly I am grateful for all the unique individuals that I met and talked to.

I do not think that the fundamental personalities that make me me have changed much. I still am very much warm and outgoing as the Cattell’s 16 Personality Factors Test described. These two were some of a few traits that I now think make me unique and a genuine person. I am glad that despite all the tough situations I have endured this quarter I am still able to remain optimistic and lively. Throughout interviews with my fellow apple grandmas and other people, I was candid about my true self. I never once tried to fake my personality or a quality. My weaknesses are still constant, however. I find that this quarter I have focused more on relationships with other people rather than working on improving my creativity. Despite this I am now way more confident in my professional abilities. After writing countless emails, it is now so easy for me to crank out a nice and respectable email. Recently I used my newfound skills to apply to a lab position. I was successful and landed an interview!

As for my SMART goals that I created in the beginning of this quarter, I was able to start off completing them well however I eventually forgot about them. When I was stressed in the beginning, I did find that taking a 20 minute break just to sit and have time to myself was cathartic. I am slightly sad that I was not able to push myself to continue this goal. I did discover a new song nearly everyday though! I am so glad to have expanded my musical library and I listen to many more different genres of music. Lastly, I have updated my LinkedIn profile from now and then, but it is nowhere as complete as I would have liked it to be.

jeeeeesus christ

i’ve gotten 3 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. there’s been so many times where i’ve been so so so dizzy and everything just feels like it’s going in slow motion. i dont think this is healthy loool. i’m about to go sleep for maybe 30 minutes once i finish all the work that i have to do.

HI BIG i hope you’re reading this and stalking me everyday cause if you’re not then i’d be disappointed :(

i woke up at 1pm today and im so damn tired. i hate it when you get more sleep and then get even more tired. im planning on sleeping 12 hours each night over the summer to recuperate.

i dont like the tumblr app on the phone ugh so this post is gonna be crappy...

i was talking to a kid today and he reminded me of how i used to love love love playing call of duty: black ops zombies. like low key i played that game everyday this past summer. i used to be so scared of the zombies but like now it’s so fun to play idk hahahaha. im kinda bad though..

i had a rough night but it was definitely an experience LOL

i woke up late and then was late to brunch with a friend but then we talked for like three hours! i showered and then went out with gabe connie and jackey to sawtelle for boba. we stopped by michaels and messed around a little too c:

when i got back i was so physically exhausted but i really dont know why. i did my laundry and took a fat nap while it was drying! 

Hiiiiiyaaa~

SO WE ALL LIKE MEN HERE, RIGHT BIG?!

Hehe I’m sorry I jokingly almost forced you to get “Hannah’s Gay Big” on your jacket LOL

I don’t think I can properly express how fortunate and happy and grateful I am to have you as my biggggg. When I first met you I was kinda scared of you (don’t take it personally I think I’m low key a wimp). I think it’s cause when I was talking to you you didn’t smile at all and also you were in my interview and I guess I had never seen you smile so I assumed that you just didn’t like me. And then I FREAKING MESSED UP YOUR NAME and I’ve never felt so bad or terrified at the same time. But I swear no hard feelings I’m just hella embarrassed now hahahah. 

I think we’re such a great and amazing big-little pairing. You’ve always wanted a little sister and I’ve always wanted a big brother--it’s literally perfect my dude. I’m sorry that I have a hard time opening up to people and I’m sorry for being such a terrible little omg. You’re the bestest and I just want to try to be the bestest little for you but I feel like I’m always failing or something and it bugs me a tooonnnnnn. I super duper appreciate how you’re always supporting me with no matter what I do and rooting for me this whole quarter. You’ve given me so much and sometimes I feel that I haven’t given you back anything. I might call other people my big sometimes but you’re my one true big and the only big that’s for me so I’m sorry if it bothers you or annoys you :( 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! I’d fight anyone who calls you trash (back when I thought that the first fam night was gonna be the PMs kidnapping our bigs and making us find them I was so ready to search every single corner to find you NO ONE TOUCHES MY BIG). I also want you to know that I’ll always be here for you as well! I’m definitely always rooting for you and I want to you to be happy and successful and content and all good things. Low key though a smol smol smol part of me doesn’t want you to get the ambulance job cause I want you to be around for my next quarter instead of going inactive but I’m just being selfish. 

I’ve been blessed to have such a caring and loving and supportive and wonderful and considerate and amazing and energetic and hilarious and the bestest big I could ever get. I cannot wait to see what the world has in store for us in the future~

Love love love love,

i love youuuuuuu<3

i’ve never noticed how much music can affect my mood.

it’s hella gloomy outside and cold but after listening to “lemonade” by jeremy passion for 30 seconds i felt happier and more carefree. something about the gentle ukulele strumming and uplifting vibes of the song really got me in a better mood.