jacqui

Engcomp essay about a topic I’ve been trying to find a way to articulate for a while. 

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In Defense of Menstruation

Every four weeks I face a new Hell. Individual descriptions may vary. Mine feels like that of a sadistic boy scout gleefully sitting cross legged inside me, tying internal organs into knots. If you paid attention in middle school sex ed (or possess one of these lovely uterine delights yourself), you’ll know that a period is the ejection of blood and tissue through the vaginal canal. Depending on your personal goals, a congratulations may or may not be in order. No pregnancy. At least, for now. 

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Two chubby hands grip the rusted handrail that descends onto a shore bathed in rocks. The third and smallest chubby hand is wrapped around my dad’s neck as he carries my sister down the steps. Excitement about a trip to the beach quickly fades into disappointment. No sandcastles would be made here. We settle by the cliffs, away from the tide’s aggressive pull. Mom withdraws new toys out of her bag and gingerly places them besides us. She answers before we can ask: no, they are not for us. Dad lights the incense, hand cupped over the flame in protection against nature’s indiscriminate force. Solemn quiet muffles the sound of crashing waves. Now our heads are bowed, eyes closed in prayer. Ironically, a stone’s throw away, is Baby Beach. 

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Periods may be suspended for a variety of reasons if not pregnancy. At first, the cessation of this tortuous ritual seems a blessing. Short delays are normal, but three months or longer is cause for concern. Severe weight gain, weight loss, stress, nutritional deficiency, hormone imbalance, or genetic defects may be to blame. Regardless of its source, a broken reproductive system, a malfunction in evolution’s one true objective, can imply devastating consequences for the body and soul. 

I have an older brother, the kind who watches over me and is only talked about in whispers. I imagine he is tall, unruly, plays the guitar with his left hand, and teaches me how to parallel park. He had a name once. Over time, this memory has washed away. 

Recently I’ve found myself grappling with trying to explain why little words and actions of affirmation mean so much to me. “Here’s a tweet that reminded me of you!” or “look at this meme that is literally me missing you guys sm 🥺” or “look at this I think you would like it” or “when we’re back in Westwood we’re getting tacos together again” or even a simple “imy ilu!!!!” That shit makes me so HAPPY. Yes they are trivial and maybe they’re a waste of time to some but not to me.

They are another way of saying

I was thinking of you

You mean something to me

You occupy a place in my heart

Had to write a “mini-essay” for Engcomp 131C for the prompt “Who are you not?” I kinda like how it turned out so I post here c: It is also very #cheesy but IDC HAHAHAHA LEAVE ME ALONE

I am not a tree. I’d rather not rely on roots that bolster just as easily as they shackle. While I maintain my judgments hold value, more often than not I reserve them for myself, deferring to another and allowing their delineation to take center stage. I navigate with a naive optimism, granting immediate blind trust in the stories, knowledge, and worlds others have to share. Very rarely—and more likely very fortunately—has my refusal to doubt others’ good intentions steered me wrong. I think there are more privileges to be gained from accepting individually expressed realities as truth in some regard rather than view them through a cynic’s lens. I don’t challenge, I absorb with outstretched arms. Each embrace of a new wisdom is a chance to expand my worldview and an opportunity for my own iteration. Personality constantly in flux, I hope to not recognize the person I was or the person I am to become. 

I am not a poker player. Besides not even knowing the rules of the game or the names of the shapes (diamond, heart, clover, shovel?), my expression is never numb. Affections seep into my very core and overwhelm my being. These emotions possess me for fleeting moments of frustration, grief, anger, but also elation, euphoria, excitement. Even more, these feelings augment exponentially in the presence of others. Unfettered enthusiasm and annoyingly loud cries of delight rain upon every single reunion with a friend no matter the time span. When in private company, these emotions take on a more nuanced range, a mirror that attempts to match sentiments with those present whether it be to commiserate or celebrate together. I may be a bad liar, but when time with others is so often short and precious, I will never be ashamed of having laid all my cards out.

I am not someone with strong wrists. I think it might be genetic because my mom also has weak wrists, but I can't really hold heavy things. No matter how hard I grip, harsh feelings refuse to linger for very long. “Everything is temporary” my dad said, a truth that managed to dissolve the distress of a 7-year-old whose world instantly vanished upon hearing she had to move, make new friends, go to a different school. It became a mantra. “Everything is temporary” she reminded herself, treasuring laughter that roared through the air. “Everything is temporary” she whispered as loved ones were laid to rest. “Everything is temporary” she sighed, thumb hovering over the red hangup button on her sixth Facetime call that day. Goodbye. A cheerful smile, a slight wave. Skin pressed firm against cold glass. We’ll all be together soon.

I’ll miss the warmth and rowdiness of a full house shared between beers at 640 veteran.

I’ll miss the “heEEEEeeeEEyyYyY”s Ysabel and I excitedly greeted eachother with as I stumbled in two overnight bags in hand.

I’ll miss the taco nights we spent catching up w I’m baby + mom Evonne coupled w wanderlust and whole food’s bread (not always both... but sometimes both).

I’ll miss Gamma bullshit #gogammas and the thundering laughter that made me feel so whole.

I’ll miss running into people on campus, in class, and at the overpriced Ralph’s.

I’ll miss coffee study dates and unproductive all nighters.

I’ll miss kerckoff and its stupid heavy chairs and its ability to bring people together.

I’ll miss having people within reach.

I’ll also miss what never got the chance to even happen. Like graduation and Vegas and my last rush and banquet and senior sendoff and quarterly and the cathartic cries I needed before graduating.

Westwood is vacant and so is ..my heart 🥺

the kind I’d pass by on infinitely long walks to the pool 

by my grandma’s house in the summertime. 

The girls on the playground

confused them for honeysuckle,

said you could eat them 

like candy. 

The stagnant air is indifferent

but that lingering fragrance signals change. 

I can only remember the bare essence of things--

is that all this will be

if you think you know all the times she’s cried you’re horribly deluded. for every drop you’ve witnessed, a million more have been shed hidden under covers, swept away by the shower, and muffled against the wall right next to you. 

she doesn’t tell you all the times she’s cried because there is no sanctity in vulnerability. just frustration.  

i miss being held. i miss the enveloping warmth of a physical embrace so strong and so constant it doesn’t ever feel like it will end. and for a while it doesn’t. 

and then, almost unperceivably so, we are patiently ushered back to reality. and it returns us with a sense of still peace. and the reminder that no matter the external world’s chaos, there is always temporary refuge in someone. 

but we are adults now so we don’t do that anymore.

......

I don’t know what the point of writing this was lol I am just very exhausted it has been a very long day and I am in fact crying for reasons I could not quantify so I thought writing would help but idk if it is LOL It is mostly just rambles and whatever was coming to my mind please do not take it seriously HAHA

I know this reads like I’m mad at Alex or something (I’m not) I’m actually very very happy with our relationship atm LOL

I think I am mostly just frustrated with my emotional sensitivity or hypersensitivity as it seems. I’m too easily thrown off by the absence of actions I’ve grown to expect. My mind nitpicks at every little detail and it drives me insane. 

Why didn’t you wait for me when I was crossing the street? Or even turn to look to see why I was trailing so far behind? Do you see me? Why can’t I say no to you? Do you really see me? Why do I prioritize you so highly over myself? Why do I get the feeling you’re not quite sure about the right way to spell my name? Why do I feel invisible sometimes? 

Why didn’t you hold me today? I just wanted to be held, just for a little long while. 

I think I am too much. I think I am crazy.

u ever think about growing old like old old and who tf u still want around

#IwantyouaroundbySnohAalegra

bc rn for me that list looking short LOL 

That’s not exactly what I’ve been thinking about recently but I do realize the older I get the less patience I seem to have for people. Or maybe it’s been this year in particular I have become more #selfish. I sleep more and more regularly than I ever have before so I’m not tired. But more so than ever I am exhausted when doing things that I know I’m doing half-heartedly. 

Uh fuck it’s been so long since I’ve posted there are so many things I want to talk about

I will bullet point things I want to address and maybe eventually I will get to them 😌✌🏼

New year !! It’s fucking 2020. Towards the beginning of the year Evonne asked me what my reflections were of the past year and I realized I never sat down to really think about it or make new goals for myself I’ve kinda just been chugging along towards the endgame. Would like to make time for that.

Alex has hung out w my family a few more times now :) It is v comforting to see two worlds collide so seamlessly. It make me heart happi :’)) I still haven’t met Alex’s parents yet but I’m very excited to :) Major stepping stones in our relationship that I am happy to have attained. I am still not the best as modulating my emotions but getting better!! I’ve never felt more at ease w my boyfrannnn than I do now and I’m very happy about that. We’ve been spending a lot more time together recently too which is also ... nice bc I love cuddle HAHA and I also just love savoring this youth and the bliss that comes with it while we can. I feel like we’ve gotten more serious about our relationship, not like anything has changed about the dynamic but maybe seriously considering this may last a very very long time. At least I hope that’s what he thinks too. I pitched Japan to him and he was down :’) I hope it happens 4rlzies I would love that sm.

I started doing work for my cogsci fieldwork internship @ NextBest. Shoutout to Minh for the hookup. I am slightly conflicted about healthcare vs. UI/UX. Talked a lot to Minh’s brother (ex Apple employee) who has given me valuable insight and reignited my interest in this path. Many reasons for hesitation come into play. Am currently talking to an AED alumni who switched from pre-health to UI/UX engineering post grad to get her opinions/advice/guidance. Both of us share the view that what interested us in both healthcare and UI/UX is that they are exercises in compassion and empathy to achieving the best results for your patient/client. Still tbd

I’m proud of myself for eating more regularly, getting enough sleep, drinking less, using social media less, watching YouTube less, (so far) staying on top of my shit. At the same time idk what to do bc sometimes I’ll just ignore texts for like 3 days with the excuse that I’m #livingindamoment tryna maintain my focus on what’s at hand. Or like I miss hella fb notifications because I turned everything off. Even missed a bday party tn bc I don’t ever check fb that much 🥴 yike my b. New goals are to start working out and cooking more.