its been a good run u guise <3

I will miss u 2-1. U are such a pretty number. Moving onto 22 now!!! :D

Happy birthday, mommy. I miss you every single fucking day. I don’t know what the hell I did in my past life to deserve to lose you but it hurts to this day. Thank you for everything you did for me while you were still here. I’m really sorry that you had to endure the pain that you did. So much that you turned to drugs, gambling, and the wrong people. I wish that my brother and I could’ve taken that pain away. I wish you would’ve waited for me to get a little older so that I could help you. I really wish you were here today so I’d give you the perfect birthday you’d ever hope for. You are the reason I’m pushing so hard today. I know that in some way, I’m making you proud. You always told me to stay strong, and that life can throw anything at me but I’d be able to get through it. You were so funny, caring, generous. You made sure I came first before you. When we were struggling, you’d always put me before yourself. Whether it came to housing, food, or money. I wish I could call you on the phone right now, like the old days where you’d call me when you were bored. I miss watching you apply makeup in the mornings, or dancing to digest before bed. I can hear your laugh right now. You were always laughing you crazy woman lol. I have so much regret when it comes to you but I know you wouldn’t want me thinking this way. I love you Mom. Happy birthday and thank you for being my mom. 

as tired and unmotivated as I am, I always find a way to get the things I need to get done, done and I can truly say that I’m proud of myself for that. I planned so many things this quarter and actually went through with it to the best of my ability. the feeling of exhaustion that weighs on my shoulder and soul is something that I fight every single day, as well as my pride and that is y I refuse to let myself be incapable of doing something just because I’m feeling some type of way.  I can’t even begin to express how tired I feel all of the time but I’m sure everyone lowkey knowssss. i’ve learned that if you don’t try your hardest while it’s happening, you’re almost guaranteed to regret the outcome regardless of whatever it is youre doing. haha anyway what prompted me to realize this was bc at VCN retreat, I was assigned to be part of food committee. cool, whatever. we all have duties. for once, I rly thought I’d be the one that was unreliable but realized that no one was talking in the chat and was like damn I complained about the food last year and wanted it to be different this year so I took it upon myself to find a costco card, driver, and went and shopped w/ my friends for breakfast/alch for 103 people bc i didn’t want to regret eating crap and for not trying harder. I thought to myself WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? Why am I always left to pick up other peoples slack(esp when i didnt fucking sign up to work alone) bc they don’t realize that I have a damn life too lol........ OK it was breakfast burritos which consisted a lot of ingredients since we had vegans and vegetarians n WHATNOT and it turned out being fine but i was so exhausted, shopping and facilitating other people who were helping me. 3 1/2 HOURS OF SHOPPING. FOR FOOD. THERE WERE 4 PEOPLE IN FOOD COMMITTEE AND ONLY I WENT TO SHOP. THAT’S 4 PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE. and I didn’t even get a fcking thank you from everyone!!! these people barely know me so i can’t say they’re taking my kindness for granted but i am starting to think that i’m taking my own kindness for granted. i don’t know how to say no so it’ll prob continue to happen x) moral of the story: fuck irresponsible and overly reliant people.

i love you guys and good luck