hallodox

12 pills that do something(?)

11 random new pains

10 moments out of breath

9 muscle spasms

8 failed attempts at baking

7 breaks per hour of cooking

6 bouts of brain fog

5 more minutes with the heating pad (please)

4 Late Christmas cards sent

3 items forgotten on my shopping list(again)

2 messes for every one cleaned

And an appearance that says I'm too tired to care

-Your d*ck

It seems, to me at least, so not sure how #relatable this rant will be, that hope is a lot easier to have when you take a step back and really think about what you're hoping for.

Chronic Illness and the stigma around it has always had me hoping to be "normal" again, or hoping people would just understand it. Hoping that I could one day do the things I can't do now. All my hopes came from what I can't do but wanted to.

If that sounds a bit depressing, it probably is. My hopes will never come true because I'm struggling and with limitations that won't just go away; no wonder I'm miserable. People will say "well, just look on the bright side, then!" Or "just choose happiness" but, it's honestly ok to struggle. We all do to varying degrees. Yeah, limitations suck, but by no means do they define whether we have a fulfilling life or not. We decide that. Being healthy would be great, but I don't hope to be healed so I can finally have a good life.

I hope to make my life as fulfilling as I can regardless of struggles and pain. That what I can do is enough. That if people don't understand, I can be the voice that tells them. Why wait to be healthy enough to live life? I'm hoping to find a life worth living regardless.

-"I'm in a fog/My head's a bit wonky": I am cognitively not here to some degree, and probably can't process what's happening or being said easily, please bear with me. If I look confused, yes exactly.

-"I can't do that": thought to be a cop-out for things I don't want to do, but actually refers to things I'm literally not capable of at the moment or that would be dangerous to do (i.e. I can't drive right now, my vision is messing up badly enough to where operating a motor vehicle would be really dumb).

-"I'm gonna go to bed": It literally hurts to be up. sleep may happen, but not necessarily. If I don't lie down, I may collapse, though. Please excuse me.

-"Ouch": ouch. Not necessarily a call for help (or attention). Just ouch. I'm good.

-"I'm good": yes, I'm in pain or discomfort, but I'd rather not have attention drawn to myself.

-"could you help with ___": wait, I never say this, how did this get here??

-"hey sorry just got your message": social interaction is very exhausting and I may very well have gotten your message earlier but I could not muster the energy to respond or converse then.

-"I'd love to meet up sometime": lets plan something, but please don't be angry if I cancel :ccc I would absolutely love to see your face and leave this dang house for once!

-"I'm so tired": I am absolutely fatigued and need about 6 days of sleep to restore adequate function. I will either proceed to do just that or be completely unable to sleep because ???