Jest a little guy!

So back in June I had top surgery, as many people already know. Ever since then I have been living with my sister, as my other attempts at moving due to lack of funds fizzled out.

While my sister is kinder than the rest of my family our living environment is, for the lack of a better word, toxic. We are existing but my family and I are not on the best of terms.

I will be perfectly blunt. It has taken every fiber of my being to keep going. Every time I get even a step of progress, I'm dragged two steps back. When I was risking homelessness, my sister offered to let me stay with her. But, like the rest of my family, she has made it clear she does not want me around. She, like many others, have expressed how pathetic my life currently is.

My entire life I have been raised to believe that my very spot on this earth is a blemish on it. That my creations are worth nothing and take up space. That asking for help or even expressing my pain is a terrible, selfish thing to do. My parents have made it clear to me they'd rather have me dead than happy. I go to bed in tears nearly every single night thinking about how much I've failed to do something or be something of worth. Whenever I ask for help I drown in guilt at the audacity to do so. I want to earn it, I want to prove to people that the support they've given me isn't a mistake.

I feel so guilty that I've been obstructed so much from being able to give back to those who have supported me. I'm trying so hard, but the constant misfortune in my life has me believing that maybe it's not worth it. But, I'm going to try regardless, even if it feels pointless. I want to keep trying. I hope that maybe some day soon I can be enough.