you'll find your way

Aiden drew back for a moment to watch for leather jacket guy to walk away. What he was doing at a gay bar, she had no idea. Scumbag. She didn’t ordinarily kiss her friends, or Haley for that matter, but it was seemingly the best scenario than have some guy believe he had some dick capable of conversion. 

“He’s gone,” she reported. Aiden cleared her throat and let her hands fall off Haley’s waist. A drink sounded good. A drink sounded like it could eradicate the rapidly rising awkwardness between them. “Sorry about that. I don’t think he would have let up unless he saw ‘proof.’” Her fingers curled in air quotes for the latter word. 

Aiden downed a shot and slammed the glass back on to the bar. “Are you alright?”

She felt a little off-kilter, actually. The kiss had thrown her off balance and just... Tipsy-her was more aware than drunk-her. Drunk-her had kissed Liv and had kissed Aiden before. So had tipsy-her, now, to be fair, but tipsy-her had the sensibility to know they shouldn’t keep going.

That no part of her should want to reach out and pull Aiden close again.

Because Aiden was doing her a favor. She was doing her a favor, because she was Michael’s friend and she was kind of Haley’s too. Friends don’t kiss friends.

“Yeah,” she said a couple beats too slow. “I...” She glanced back towards where the guy had been before and about the drink Aiden had talked about getting her. Another drink just brought her that much closer to drunk-her and bad decisions. “Actually, I think I’m done for tonight. Stay. I can catch a cab back.”

She gave Aiden a weak smile and crossed her arms so the other girl wouldn’t see her hands shaking. “Thanks, though. For...” For the kiss? No, that wasn’t right. “For helping with him.”

When their foreheads touched, it took everything in Aiden to not poke fun at her for it, but if they were selling a relationship, they needed to be as realistic as possible. “Drinking a little too much already?” she teased, unable to help herself from it. She’d keep up the ruse for as long as possible. “We’ll find you something nice and mild, like a caipirinha.”

It was then that she spotted in her peripheral vision…leather jacket guy. 

“Play along, be cool,” she muttered a split second before leaning forward and catching her lips with hers. Aiden made certain to grip Haley’s waist just that little bit tighter to make it more believable. 

Haley’s mouth was still open to ask what the hell a caipirinha was when Aiden kissed her. She gasped into it, surprised, before... Oh. Yeah. That was nice.

She wasn’t drunk. A little tipsy, maybe, but she knew herself when she was drunk. Drunk her hadn’t thought when she kissed Aiden the last time. She hadn’t even really thought about what she was doing in the first place. Tipsy her, though... Tipsy her kissed back as her arms fell from their easy loop around Aiden’s shoulders so she could cradle her head instead.

She rose up on her tiptoes a bit to press in closer, body leaning into Aiden. God, she should have worn her heels tonight too. She wasn’t that much shorter than the other girl, but when Aiden wore heels in comparison to her own ratty Converse...

The kiss broke and she let out a slow breath as her eyes found Aiden’s. “Is he still there?” she asked, voice soft. They were still close, ready to lean back in if he still was, but she didn’t turn to look. She just stared at Aiden.

Finding love in a straight bar would have been next to impossible for Aiden anyways. She had come to drink and have a good time, not find some girl to take home and fuck. While some pretty blonde eyed her up at the bar, Aiden could spot bicurious from three miles in a dense fog after rain. Experimenting. Get a few shots of tequila and she’d be willing to bet said pretty blonde would be boldly going up to her. The excuse would be college or that her lame-ass boyfriend had never given her the orgasm she so clearly desperately craved. 

No, Haley needed her more than some horny, bicurious, blonde college chick. Safety in numbers. “You never have to ask. Come on, Jasmine’s on and she’d gonna give us half-off top shelf. Want something fruity?” she offered. 

“You know me so well,” Haley hummed before she moved back in towards Aiden. Their foreheads touched. “No Sex On The Beaches, though. I remember what happened last time.”

The bar. Liv. The kisses.

She closed her eyes against the memory for a second and shivered at the feel of Aiden’s hands on her waist. Better not to think about Liv, she thought as she sucked in a breath. Not about the first night or the things that had happened since.

She focused back on Aiden, eyes flickering to the other girl’s lips for just a second, because yeah, that had happened that night too.

“Buy me a drink?” 

“Of course, of course. I see you found some company,” she hedged, turning her head to face the companion with an arched eyebrow. “I hope she hasn’t caused you too much trouble. As her girlfriend, I welcome it, but it’s not for everyone.” Aiden’s tone took a pointed direction and she gave the guy a knowing wink. 

For a guy, Aiden would have supposed he was attractive. She wouldn’t have kicked him out of bed before coming out, but he clearly didn’t take the hint. “Are you feeling alright, baby? I know you mentioned you were bummed our favorite bartender was off.” Her hands rested on Haley’s waist to keep her close before casting a sneaking look over her shoulder to see the retreating form of the guy. “Coast is clear, O’Neal.”

Haley leaned into the touch, head rested on Aiden’s shoulder, and groaned. “Thank you. You’re awesome,” she said without lifting her head. Her arms came up to loop around the other girl’s neck in a hug. She lingered there for a few seconds before she pulled back a little, smiling.

“You mind if I hang out for a while?” she asked, fingers playing absently with the ends of Aiden’s hair. “Don’t think I really wanna go back out there yet.” She nodded her head backwards towards the dance floor with a little laugh. “Might need you to protect me.”

Seeing Jasmine was a small semblance of normal that Aiden desperately needed. She’d missed her friend and catching up. Even after all this time, it still took everything in her to not ask about Mia. Maybe she’d always be on the verge. It was an unspoken thing between she and Jasmine: no news was good news. 

A quick I’m a lesbian to any guy desperate enough to shoot his shot and she was back to drinking her beer. 

Arms around her waist had her attention and she was about to tell off whoever was doing it when she heard Haley utter in her ear. 

No problem. She could pull it off easily. Aiden’s fingers easily found Haley’s and she turned to face her properly. “Hey, I thought I told you I was up at the bar.” 

Haley leaned into Aiden a little more, relieved, and breathed a thank you into her ear. “You’re awesome,” she whispered before she pulled herself back a little more to shoot her a smile. “I wanted to dance a little,” she laughed. “You know how I get after a couple drinks.” She stepped back to give a joking little shimmy without letting go of Aiden’s hand and used it to tug herself back towards the other girl.

“Is he still there?” she murmured as she reached up to brush Aiden’s hair behind her ear. “Blond guy with the leather jacket.” She wanted to turn around to check, but it would have been too obvious. Better to pretend she’d already forgotten about him rather than pretend she was still uncomfortable.

It was one thing for Aiden to hear it and a whole other thing for her to believe it. It was going to take more than constant words of affirmation to undo decades of being treated like lesser than, like she didn’t belong in their world. Aiden had fancied herself someone who didn’t need anyone, but the people she needed, she needed. 

She toyed with the seam of the blanket, rolling the frayed loose thread through the tips of her fingers. Aiden couldn’t help but wonder if it was out of the goodness of their hearts or if it was their culture. Eastern European took in anyone who was family. “But my past is too fucked up for them to allow their kids around. I don’t want to have it and have it taken away.”

Haley wanted to argue, wanted to tell Aiden that, no, her past wasn’t too fucked up, but... It wasn’t her past. She knew there was a lot Aiden had overcome and even if she knew some of it, she didn’t know everything. It wasn’t her place to pry either. Whatever Aiden told her, it was by her own choice, no matter how curious Haley might get or how much she wanted to help.

The hand she had on Aiden’s shoulder slid down to lace with the other girl’s fingers. “If you’re scared of that, talk to him,” she told her gently. “He sought you out. He asked you to meet his family. Everything he’s done? It sounds like he wants you in his life.” She gave the hand in hers a squeeze and reached out with her other hand to brush some hair out of Aiden’s face. “But if you’re scared, tell him and let him make his own choices.”

She knew it was easier said than done. Running into him had shaken Aiden up before she’d even known who he was, but this... She watched Aiden for a moment, hesitant to continue, because she wasn’t sure it was her place. “I know...” she trailed off, words coming out of her mouth before she’d realized she’d even started to say them. Well, if she’d already started... “I know your mom had problems. You deserved better than you got, Aiden. I just... I don’t want you to hide from something that might be good.” 

“I’m not good enough for them, Haley. I’m not. I’m the fucked up kid of a junkie who bounced from foster care to foster care. They’re this happy American dream and I don’t belong,” she stated. It was a harsh truth she had to live with. She couldn’t belong in a family like that. Someone like her would taint them, taint their image, their dynamic. “They want me involved in their lives and I don’t fit.”

Haley’s back straightened and she put a hand on Aiden’s shoulder to turn the girl towards her. “Says who? Aiden, you’re plenty good enough. More than. You...” She trailed off, shaking her head. “Do you even get how strong you are?Everything you went through and you came out on top of it. Your mom was messed up, but that’s not your fault and you’re not her. You finished school. You did college. You’ve got people that love you and want you around, even before these people came in.”

Her face softened. “You didn’t taint us and you never could,” she told her like it was a gentle reminder. “Maybe you wanna be involved with them, maybe you don’t, but don’t do it because you think you aren’t good enough.” 

At this point, if Haley tried, Aiden would let her. Her fight was gone. All it took was seeing a member of the family she didn’t know she had. Somewhere in another life, Aiden had fucked up colossally. Monumentally, even. When someone ingrains in you that you’re a bad person, it doesn’t take long to believe it. 

“It went right. That’s the problem. They’re such nice, good people. They gave me their numbers and leftover food and said I was welcome back at any time,” she whispered. Part of her wished Mrs. O’Neal was there, too. She was the closest thing Aiden had to a mother, other than Claire Boudreaux. “They showed me pictures of what Petrov looked like as a kid. Said that they could see a resemblance, that we had the same jawline, the same eye shape and the same smile. And then he told me that he knew about me being in foster care and that it never should have happened.”

It...wasn’t what she’d expected? Haley stared at Aiden, brows furrowed in confusion, and waiting for a but that didn’t seem to come.  It had to be something she wasn’t getting. There was plenty about Aiden she didn’t fully understand, but the girl was guarded. Haley was learning as she went. This, though... This time, Haley was stumped. She didn’t think it was lack of trying. She was wracking her brain and trying to understand what was going on in Aiden’s head, but she didn’t understand.

“I... Aiden, that’s good. Them being nice is a good thing,” she told her, a little lost. “How’s that a problem?”

Aiden shook her head and sat up to accept the takeout from Michael, who dropped a kiss on top of her head. Sometimes she really loved her best friend. The O’Neals were her family. She didn’t need any other family. She had one. Even if she was an outsider looking in, she had a family. 

Michael looked torn about leaving and Aiden felt even more like a bad friend. Her personal problems were interfering with his work. 

“No, beating someone up isn’t necessary. Unless you want to beat me up,” she replied quietly from the couch. She forced herself to take a bite of the burger Michael had gotten her and she choked it down. Had she not eaten today? Aiden couldn’t remember what she’d eaten for breakfast. She knew Michael tried to force-feed her oatmeal, but she’d had none of that. Not even with brown sugar, butter, and fresh fruit, her favorite.  

“I’m not beating you up, Aiden,” Haley told her seriously as she set her jacket down next to her bag. She fidgeted for a second, not sure if Aiden even wanted her there. Aiden had always been more Michael’s than hers, but it felt like they’d been becoming better friends lately. At least, that was what Haley thought. She liked Aiden and she liked how the girl fit in with her family.

Decided, she sat down next to the brunette on the couch, telling herself if Aiden didn’t want her there, she’d tell her.

“You saw them, didn’t you?” she guessed, voice tentative. “Did it not go well? Because if they were jerks, I can fight them. You said one of them was nine, right? I might stand a chance.” 

It was odd, really. Watching Law & Order: SVU actually helped her. Aiden laid her head on the couch arm, a pillow curled up under her torso. Just last night, she’d had dinner with the man who was her father. Ivan Petrov. She met her stepmother and her siblings. She got to know her family. She got a hug from all of them with an open invitation to talk to them anytime or to come by for a visit. 

Aiden didn’t deserve to be in their lives, she wasn’t good enough for them. 

She looked up to see Michael in the kitchen on the phone with someone. His tone was hushed, worried, even. Her head turned back to the TV, her blanket pulled to her chin. 

“I’m worried about her. She hasn’t even talked to me since she got up this morning. She got home late and she was crying. I don’t know what happened,” he was saying. “If I wasn’t covering someone’s shift, I wouldn’t leave her to go to work. Would you mind coming over until I get off?” 

Aiden learned to ignore him. Tune him out. She looked up when she felt a hand on her hair and she looked up to see a Styrofoam takeout container with food in it. “What?” 

“Hey. I got you some food. I got Haley stopping in and she’ll come hang out with you till I get home. I don’t want you alone,” he replied.

“Mike, I’m fine, go to work.” 

The front door opened and she recognized Haley. Aiden’s head lowered back down and she turned back to the TV. “Hey, Hales.”

From the second Aiden had told her Professor Petrov was her father, Haley had been worried. As strong as she knew Aiden was... Family was different. She’d seen how shaken Aiden had been the first time they’d run into him and, back then, she hadn’t even known they were related. But there was a father and a stepmom and siblings and, God, Haley couldn’t imagine what Aiden was going through.

She'd been on her way to the lake to get some sketching in, but she’d turned right on her heel when Michael called her. Sketching could wait.

Her stomach dropped when she walked in and saw Aiden on the couch, chest tight like she was watching Aiden spiral all over again. Maybe she was.

“Hey,” she greeted back softly and offered Aiden a weak smile as she shrugged out of her jacket. “Want me to beat someone up? I bet I could.” No, in fact, she was sure she couldn’t, but A for effort, right? Didn’t movies always say the small ones were fast?