Ichbinmich

One day i vowed to become a researcher, internationally qualified researcher on my field. A researcher who isn’t only publishing scientific papers but also giving a more real impact to the society.

One day i was in Mekong learning what weeds are important, the next day in Luzon to evaluate our compound. The other day in Curitiba to observe more business chances, and another day in Delhi to learn from other companies how they do the research and business.

One day i struggled to communicate in Japanese because i was the only foreigner. The next day i presented my whole work in Japanese. The other day i had to speak fluently both English and Japanese in Mississippi while had to absorbed information presented on both languages as fast as i could.

I had come a long way sometimes i don’t realize i have made it. I realized that those feelings of worry or nervousness are coming from my unconscious mind that says “you’ve done it, so what’s next?”

What is the point of posting gifts you got from other people on social media? Wouldn’t it be simple if you just contact the person that gave you the gifts directly?

Ask again to yourself what is your real purpose. You just want everybody knows you have a lot of friends, don’t you?

Isn’t it nice?

When we talk about a nonsense future plan

We said we would buy a winery in south France

Maybe located in the middle of Nice and Montpellier

Or between Montpellier and Barcelona

So when Christmas comes we could visit Sagrada Familia

Or the Vatican city

Or the Alps to snowboard

And then we would produce our own wine brand

That we sell directly at our shop, which is also a cafe

Where i serve coffee and read books and have a book club

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Even though it is nearly impossible

In the middle of a boring meeting where they expected too much from me (maybe i again undervalued myself as always), my mind wonders away to so many things happened in the past. This was triggered by an oprah’s video replay inside my head that i forwarded to my brother as an act of suggestion before a big decision. The short video, which is also a long podcast, tells us about how life is talking to us everyday. If we are in a wrong direction, life speaks by whispers first, and then it gradually increases its warning in a form of disasters or accidents if we ignore them for too long.

The echo from the message made me went back to one of my biggest turbulences in my life so far that was happened in 2016-2017. I think the turbulence made me got into depression, which the effects sometimes still reappears like an earthquake aftershock. Then i tried to trace back the causes of my devastation and i came up with the best three: ignoring my feeling towards my thesis topic which i didn’t like, keeping ‘friends’ who absorbed my energy rather than fueling me up, getting dragged into a relationship i didn’t want. All of those things if i simplified, came from one cause: my unwillingness to say “No”.

So back then, instead of saying “Sensei, i don’t like this topic, please change my topic to another one i prefer” to my supervisor, i forced myself to did it, for 5 YEARS!! No wonder that i had a little amount of low quality data. The fact that i was able to graduate is one of the greatest miracles in my life. Another one is instead of saying “no i don’t want to be with you guys because i think we have different frequencies” to the people i don’t feel comfortable with, i forced myself to be with them just because i didn’t want to be missed out. And then life was like giving me a bigger notice with a “brick” because instead of saying “i don’t wanna have a relationship because i don’t have any interest in marriage or having children” to them, i slept walk far away till reaching an event when i suddenly had to make a commitment in front of their relatives.

I didn’t realize back then that the peak of my devastation was little by little entangled by me saying “no” to something i don’t feel is right and saying “yes” to something my heart is pointing to. The first no was to my unwanted relationship. It was hard because i lost my best friend, but i learnt how to become a friend to myself first. Followed by saying “no” to a job with a higher salary but no background whatsoever to the field, and saying yes to my current job which i enjoy. And then recently i was brave enough to cut my relationship with “friends for years” here because i never ever ever felt any peace every time i spent my time with them. Breaking up with them feels sooooo freaaaking gooooood!!!

So from now on, paying attention to life’s words will be my way to get through every day’s life. I have always been trusting my internal GPS, that’s why i am in this point right now, but i didn’t realize that the GPS is not only for the biggest events in life but also for the small things. Just like the GPS on our phone, it can guide you to a specific place you want to, and just like what Oprah said, it starts with a whisper.

I read a book about buddhism and fascinated by its concept about rebirth. Rebirth is somewhat different with reincarnation in Hinduism when a soul is just transferred into a new body when its dead. It is more like consciousness inheritance, similar but not the same. Anyway, this concept has made me thinking about several things about what was my past life like. Was i a good person? Was i doing a lot of good Karma? What will i be if i die in this life? Was i married and had children and wished i hadn’t so that is why i have no interest whatsoever in those in this life? Was i in love and being loved?

Writing this while my head is playing “Kirana” by Dewa-19

Ayah Bunda tercinta satu yang tersisa

Mengapa kau tiupkan nafasku kedunia

Hidup tak kusesali mungkin kutangisi

Kuingin rasakan cinta

Manis seperti mereka

Tulus seperti adanya

Suci seperti dirimu

November: road trip with old friends to see the autumn sceneries. I got hooked on books related to mindfulness and spiritual awakening, hence, the pose.

January: finally watched the Silvester concert live. This is an annual concert where the climax hit exactly at 00.00 am that i usually watch on TV.

February: managed to snowboarding even though the snow amount was not so much.

March : covid-19 was still only an outbreak not a pandemic. Had business trip duty to Philippines.

April: Japan had emergency status due to COVID-19. My company adapted the work from home style even though I work mostly inside the lab, greenhouses and the fields. Our institute’s WFH style was WFH only one day during a week. Still i feel like it is impossible for me to do WFH because i can’t stand working passively in front of the computer all day. I escaped many times by going outside and picking up wild flowers and then arranged them. Respect to all people who can do WFH and still do their best.

May: finally witnessing (on line) my family getting out of the shithole and started a new life.

June: trying to plant cucumbers from the seeds because summer has come and going out isn’t freely allowed. In the end i got only one cucumber survived.

July: moved from company’s dorm to an apato. In this age, living together with a bunch of guys in their twenties is not a wise option. So then i moved out and started living alone again, finally.

August: got an opportunity to explain my work in this web seminar event held by my former university. Being able to share my experiences here was an amazing opportunity. What is more amazing is being able to see my own life as a third person during material preparation.

September: it is sad that i can’t go home this year. Seeing my family live their lives more happily from afar has been my weekly routine now.

Dear God

I thought being an early-thirty man would freak me out. Just saying out loud that i am thirty one gives me goosebumps. However, surprisingly i feel, okay.

Living in this country for a decade, where the people are unfamiliar with positive feedbacks and encouragements towards each other had turned me into a bitter, pessimistic and ungrateful person for years. Until i recently learnt to discipline my thoughts and appreciate more about myself. This technique has been making me feel more alive and grateful for everything that is going around me. Maybe You realized that I have started to pray again to You in my own form, even though Your image is getting more blurry the more i learn about You through religions. But i am sure that You are all the ’goods’ and all those ‘maniac images’ were from us, the humans.

Then i started to practice more gratitude. I become more easily feel thankful for ‘small’ things, such as knowing that my loved ones are healthy amids this pandemic. Or whishing silently to some random people a good day on the train. Or instead of feeling annoyed by a suicide-related train delay, i prayed for the poor soul and their families. I also started to see more on positive points toward an ongoing phenomenon or someone.

So instead of freaking out that i have already reached 31 years of age, i feel so lucky to be able to reach this age, with a healthy body and mind. Knowing that under millions circumstances, not all people are privileged enough to reach this point and have my current condition.

So again, thank you.

Observe deeper into yourself, into your mind.

You would realize that it is constructed by so many partitions and layers.

One of the biggest is a poweful force that if we observe it closer, it’s job is simple: making us feel miserable by controlling a big “projector”.

This projector works by showing or whispering a sequence of images or sound into our mind that is mostly beyond our control, especially if we are “asleep”.

Like the thoughts that say you are worthless, you are above or below someone

or the thoughts that contribute to the hatred and the envious feelings towards someone

or simply a memory of an embarrassing moment you did years ago that is just popped out of nowhere suddenly.

This might be the “egoic body” that Eckhart tolle is talking about.

Or “evil” in the Abrahammic religions.

Or “nafs” in Islam.

If we can recognize that it exists within ourselves and know that the manipulative images showing by it are not ourselves, we might be able to change the perspective towards the world around us.

Like the Buddha saying: “the world is led by mind, and drawn along by mind. All phenomena are controlled by one phenomenon, mind”.

Novo amor - carry you

It was 2017. Summer almost midnight.

The tenth.

From learning hiragana and katakana by singing along to laruku’s music, to actually use them to take notes.

From can only say “sumimasen, my bicycle cannot opung” to a supermarket clerk because I didn’t understand how the automatic bicycle parking worked, to presenting the materials for a meeting fully in Japanese.

From a dependent awkward boy from a slum in Bandung, to an independent old-boy (😁) who is now too independent that i become more and more comfortable on my own (still socially awkward though)

From the very first day stepping my foot on this land, to today the tenth year.

I lost so much time with my family and friends for a decade. there were so many times i feel regrets and wander whether it was the right decision or not. I guess everyone also has ever felt this kind of situation in their 20’s or 30’s.

But looking back, i realized that i worked, fought, struggled so hard that makes the past decade so worthy. Isn’t it the right way to give yourself a credit? By comparing you and your past self rather than with other people?

Still gonna live and learn in this country until my internal GPS tells me to come back or to go somewhere else.

Only this song is worthy listening to. The other suck.

Self searching never ends.

We evolve every second.

But the core will always be the same.

Just like the blue print that goes through a minor mutation but then repaired by the internal system.

((Renungan di malam hari))

The night time before taking my shower and getting into bed, i am now having a habit of preparing my lunch for the next day. It is not because i try to limit my outcome or something, I just want my morning be simple without unnecessary thinking of what kind of lunch i want to eat that day. Because that kind of thought is just a noise that can ruin my morning. Also, i already familiar with the easiness of not having to think what clothes should i wear coz i wear the same kind of clothes everyday since i begun practicing minimalism.

So instead of wandering what lunch box should i buy for minutes in the convenient store near my office or eating the same cup noodles every day, i initiated to “arrange” my lunch box daily. I call it “arrange” because i am now currently living in a dormitory and unable to cook by myself. So then, for my lunch i have no other options but buying frozen foods or prepared dishes from the supermarket. For your information, Japan is so advance in their food technology. You can’t just underestimate the quality and taste of the frozen foods here. Not only that, there are so many varieties to choose, from frozen cooked vegetables to frozen fried chicken.

((Renungan di dalam kereta 2))

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