oh my fuck ing god
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oh my fuck ing god

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by floccinaucinihilipilificationa
“If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?”
lol yes, so then i can shave.
    One minute, 37 seconds.     My legs are shaking. Holy cow, there is no way I can do this. None.     One minute, 29 secods.     I glance around at the faces surrounding the room. Of course my Meeting would take place in the gross, overcrowded cafeteria.     One minute, six seconds.     Somewhere within these four walls, someone has the exact same countdown on their wrist. They’re going through the exact same pressure as me.      54 seconds.     Mom said I should be excited, not nervous. Yet I still find myself wiping my sweaty palms on my dress. I can’t believe she talked me into wearing a dress. I mean, shouldn’t my Soul Mate meet me as I normally am? All plain jeans, blah shirts, and wild brown curls?     30 seconds.     Something deep within me tells me to stand up. I do, drawing the attention of my tablemates. They all know too. They smile encouragingly up at me. I chew my lip nervously.     25 seconds.     That same feeling pulls me towards the center of the room. My stomach drops away from me as I take a step in that direction.     20 seconds.     I continue in that direction. With each step the tempo of my heart picks up.     19. Faster.     18. Quicker.     17. More rapid.     16. It’s racing.     Oh my god this is it. The moment my life changes forever.     My eyes search frantically around the cafeteria, searching for someone who looks as nervous as me. For someone who’s heading towards their future with no sense of direction like me.     10 seconds.     The feeling directs me slightly to the left. I turn to accomodate.     5. My heart has given up entirely.     4. I stop walking.     3. Just waiting left.     2. Everything is about to change.     1. Deep breath.
    0000 d 00 h 00 m 00 s
    Someone bumps my shoulder. I twirl around and my gray eyes meet blue, blue ones.     “Hello there, love. It appears as though we’re Soul Mates then, eh?”     As my words fail me, the only thing I can think is “I’m so glad I shaved this morning.”
“Thats weird…” I checked my wrist, the clock had just hit the 30 second mark but I looked around and there was no one there. I was a worrisome guy overall but I felt justified, I mean today was the day I was meeting my soul mate. Not that I expected my dream girl to be in the storage closet at work but still I was nervous.Â
Walking out with a box the boss had requested I walked back to my cash register setting it on the shelf. My wrist hit the 20 second mark
19 seconds
18 seconds
Where was she? I could not help but get worried that an error would pop up or that she was gone and my timer would run out with no response. I panicked, I’d change my own fate if I had to. Running out of time I hurried through the back door. There was a park outside and maybe I was supposed to be there to find my soul mate.Â
10 seconds
9 seconds
A faint ding of the doorbell hit my ear. Wait was that it?? She was here! I turned around running back to the counter. “Don’t worry I’m just in the back!”
I ran out looking at my wrist as it hit zero. Out of breath “Hi I’m Matt!” Sticking out my hand for a handshake it was met by a firm hand. Meeting my soulmate’s eyes for the first time they spoke.Â
“I’m Steven.” The man gave a smile “It’s nice to meet you.”Â
 I watch my friend carefully. Her excitement is glowing all over her pretty face. Exactly 2 minutes left, she tells me. We’re waiting at the bus stop and the bus is coming in two minutes. I think she hoped she’d meet them on a beach at sunset or something.  ”I mean that’s ok - these things can’t always be romantic I mean my mum met dad when he was working at the book store and it’s not like you can plan it to be romantic I just hoped, I mean everyone hopes don’t they-” she breaks off, looking at me awkwardly. “Sorry. It’s just a big day for me you know.” Yes I do know. You’ve been going on about it for the past year. I smile at her.  ”Don’t worry. You nervous? You’ll be ok, you always are,” I grin, determined not to ruin this for her. It’s selfish of me to be moody. This is her future being determined. Right here. In now, precisely 1 minute 30 seconds.  She smiles at me, but it isn’t quite reaching her eyes. She’s restless and keeps tapping her foot. Her eyes are wide with.. fear? Excitement? Nerves? Probably all of them and a thousand more things I can’t imagine. She keeps checking her wrist. So do I. The bus comes around the corner. 1 minute 10 seconds.  ”Hey. I’ll leave you alone now ok? The bus is here. I’ll sit a couple of seats away, and be there if you need me,” I say, squeezing her arm reassuringly. “Good luck.” I hope it sounded sincere.  The bus pulls up and I climb on first, taking a quick glance at her while I give the driver my ticket. She’s shaking and looks a little green. I want to give her a hug but know I shouldn’t interrupt now. I look at the passengers and it’s full of pensioners. My heart starts beating frantically. What? I can’t see anyone else at the bus stop. But she’s only 18, she can’t end up with a 80 year old.  I turn around and look at her - she’s breathing hard. The bus driver asks if she’s ok but she ignores him. Her eyebrows are creased and her face is flushed. Oh. Oh no. Stay calm. Someone is probably late. I give her a thumbs up and try to smile reassuringly. I think it’s more of a grimace.  I take a seat near the back. Look at my watch. 25 seconds. She sits down a few seats away.
 Suddenly a dark shape runs past my window and a boy jumps on the bus. He has that same frantic look in his eyes. I breathe out with relief.  ”Yeah get on, we’re running late,” the driver says, taking his ticket. The boy looks around, carefully stepping towards the seats. He’s tall and handsome, holding a sketchbook. I smile slightly; my friend hates art.  4 seconds  He spots her.  3 seconds  His eyes widen as he walks closer, as if being pulled by an invisible rope.  2 seconds  My friend stands up too, that same rope tying her to him.  1 second -  ”I was worried the bus would leave. No way could I miss meeting my soul mate!” he jokes, though he looks just as nervous as she. They smile at each other as they both sit down together. I can’t hear what they’re talking about.
 I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Suddenly I’m crying. Hot tears dropping down my cheeks.
 I look at my wrist, scratching at it. Trying to get rid of it.Â
 The numbers have never changed.
 They’ve always been at 0.
Oh my god that last one…. My heart… The feels….
AGH ALL OF YOU WRITE A BOOK THIS VERY INSTANT. PLEASE.
this is beautiful and everyone needs to read it
i hate you tumblr, fucking breaking my goddamn heart
Then, one day, you’re having dinner with a friend you’ve known for as long as you can remember (or perhaps a friend of the family), and you finally talk to them about your counter. You’re crying, explaining that it’s always been at 0, and so you must not have a soul-mate.
Their eyes widen. Tears begin to form, and they throw their arms around you.
"Mine has always been at 0 too."
And that’s when you know…
"are you wearing the-"
"the chanel boots? yeah i am"

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OMG SLAY ANGELINA
me: i need to go to college or ill be stuck here forever and have the most unfulfilling life i could possibly have
me: *goes to college*
me: ok nvm
ME BASICALLY
Jamie!

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Get naked in my boyfriends bed and he starts playing video games. Damn.
please tell me i’m not the only one that went “butt-butt-butt-astronaut” at first
no you’re not because i went “shit-shit-shit-poodle”
 A girl draw a series of self-portraits after she’d taken LSD
After 15 minutes
45 minutes
1 hour and 45 minutes
2 hours and 15 minutes
3 and a haf hours
4 hours and 45 minutes
6 hours
6 hours and 45 minutes
8 hours
8 hours and 45 minutes
9 and a half hours
so when you take LSD you become a goddessÂ
I FOUND IT. I FOUND MY FAVORITE THING ON THE INTERNET.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKÂ
This may be the best thing I've seen here
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
scientists could scour the arctic for decades and never find anything colder than this
yOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
 this right here is my favorite line in the entire fucking show
Seriously I know that boobs are beautiful and sexy and everything, but really, it’s just some organic jiggling baby feeders. No need to hide them or be ashamed or over-sexualize them.Â
FREE TITIES.
reblog cuz this is funny
the number of times i have been expiring from the heat in summer whilst wearing a top and bra and i see men just wandering around with no shirt on… it pisses me off, why do they get to be nice and cool and i have to be really sweaty and gross? and it’s not just trim, fit, in shape guys i see with their shirts off… i’ve seen guys with bigger boobs than me wondering around with no shirt on… seriously, what gives?