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A close reading of Glenn Howerton’s attempt to casually come out as bisexual on the Conan O’Brien show – or, a study of bisexual erasure in action:

CONAN: Your character’s kind of – his sexuality can be ambiguous at times.

GLENN: Oh, come on.

CONAN: Is that fair to say?

GLENN: Yes.

CONAN: Yeah.

GLENN: Yeah, well, I think all of our characters are a little ambiguously… [pause] …gay.

CONAN: Yeah.

GLENN: You know, and I – but I think that’s actually reflective of most… [pause] …people?

There’s a startled silence; then the audience breaks out in laughter. That’s okay. Glenn’s being droll. But he’s also going somewhere with this.

GLENN: All right, let me explain. No, no, I just–

But the audience is still laughing. A few of them even start clapping. Glenn may not have expected such a big audience response so early in the bit. That’s okay. He’ll wait it out.

Conan makes a face at the camera and sarcastically throws up his hands.

CONAN: You got me!

Big laugh from the audience. The joke is the idea that Conan could possibly be anything less than 100% straight. Hahahaha! Good one, Glenn!

But Glenn presses on – he really is trying to make a larger point here.

GLENN: Listen, man. Listen. I think there’s – I think, honestly, I think on a scale of 1 to 10, I think everybody falls somewhere in that range of gayness. Like, 1 being not gay at all–

CONAN: It’s a spectrum.

GLENN: It’s a spectrum! There’s a total spectrum: 1 being not gay at all, 10 being, like, totally 100% gay. And I think, like, this entire–

The audience laughs, presumably at the mere phrase “totally 100% gay.” Glenn pauses to laugh along with them; he’s being a good sport here.

CONAN: Where are you, do you think? As a person.

GLENN: Well, I can recognize that a man is handsome, and I can go, you know, like, I see Brad Pitt in Fight Club, and I go, “Yeah. Nice.”

Big laugh from the audience. Which is fine. Glenn was going for a laugh there. Still, it’s another unexpectedly big laugh, with some claps and shrieks mixed in. Perhaps feeling somewhat exposed, Glenn turns to Conan and Andy Richter for backup.

GLENN: Come on! Come on! Right?

ANDY: [reluctantly, playing up his own reluctance] Yeah, sure, why not?

GLENN: [defensively] We all did that. We all did that.

CONAN: So you’d be, like, a 7 or a 6?

GLENN: No, dude!

CONAN: Oh, I’m sorry!

GLENN: No, no, no, no!

This moment is genuinely awkward. Glenn actually seems flustered, and Conan, sensing that he may have offended Glenn, apologizes a second time.

CONAN: Okay! I’m sorry.

GLENN: No. Dude. Dude.

CONAN: You said, “Nice.”

GLENN: No, no, no, no.

CONAN: That pushed it up a little bit.

The audience is, of course, in hysterics throughout all of this, but Glenn actually seems serious as he tries to explain what he means.

GLENN: No, at a certain point – at a certain point you don’t, you know, get married to a beautiful woman and have a kid. You’re, like, you know, you’re in the 6-7 range where you go, “Mm, I’m pretty gay. I’m pretty gay. I’m gonna go with dudes.”

CONAN: Right.

GLENN: But if, but, you know, that’s usually like in the 9-10 range. If you’re a 6, you might, you know, you might be like, yeah, I did something with a dude in college, but I’m still gonna– [pause for audience laughter at the idea of doing something with a dude in college] I’m still gonna get married to a – a broad, and, you know, have a little baby.

What is going on here? Glenn has become uncharacteristically incoherent. He started off protesting against the idea that he was a 6 or a 7 on his own scale, pointing out that he’s married to a woman and has a baby. Within a few sentences, though, he seems to get confused. “If you’re a 6,” he begins, and then seems to be describing…himself? Is he saying he “did something with a dude in college”? When the audience laughs at this, he laughs nervously too, and then blurts out the phrase “get married to a broad,” like he’s in some 1940s gangster film. I bet if you’d asked him backstage before the interview, “Glenn, do you ever refer to women as ‘broads’?” he’d have been like “What? No, I’m not a character in a 1940s gangster film.” But as he mentioned earlier in the interview, his wife just gave birth two days ago. He’s probably sleep-deprived. He’s blurting out strange things. For example: did he really just announce in front of a live TV audience that he “did something with a dude in college”?

Did he just come out as bisexual on TV?

It kind of seems like he did. How is Conan going to handle this?

You can see Conan taking a moment to decide.

CONAN: And describe the baby like this. [imitates Glenn’s “baby” hand gesture]

GLENN: I don’t know! He’s like, that’s what it is. You get him and you’re like, aah, what do I…?

ANDY: Are you standing him upright a lot? That’s probably not a good idea, dude.

And just like that, the three men have effortlessly changed the subject to Glenn’s baby. Glenn’s “did something with a dude in college” quasi-admission goes unacknowledged. As far as Conan and Andy are concerned, it never happened. It doesn’t matter. Move past it.

Nor do they ever return to the subject of Glenn’s 1-to-10 spectrum theory. If you asked them why, they’d probably say, “Because we’d gotten all the laughs we could out of it.” They would not say, “Because we were afraid to hear the rest of what Glenn had to say.” They would not say, “Because we suddenly realized that Glenn was on the verge of admitting he’d had sex with men as well as women.” They wouldn’t even consciously think this. They’re not homophobes. They’re just trying to keep it light. They don’t want to make things uncomfortable. So they laugh, and they turn it into a joke. Presto! It’s no longer real.

Howerton talked about how everyone lies somewhere on a gay spectrum. Married with a new baby, Howerton says he’s straight, but “I see Brad Pitt in Fight Club and I go, yeah… NICE.”

Look at my transcript of the interview above: at no point in the interview does Howerton say he’s straight. Indeed, he pretty explicitly says he’s not. This is how threatening bisexuality is to straight people: they hear a man say “I did something with a dude in college,” and in response, they choose to immediately un-hear it and then create a false memory of the man saying “I’m straight.”

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