Hi, I’ve never talked about this in depth with anyone. Tumblr is kind of a breeding ground for toxic behavior, especially when it comes to EDs, so maybe I could help someone that’s also currently struggling.

Recovery is hard, that’s definitely not a secret but what a lot of people don’t realize is that you’re in recovery for the rest of your life. I still love the feeling of an empty stomach and can’t even eat a full meal despite it being years after my lowest.

I started starving myself before I even knew what an eating disorder was. I had a friend that was going on a diet and I looked up to her a lot and decided to go on one with her. We also had another friend that said she was dieting. A lot of people develops ana this way through friendships. My friend said we should limit ourselves to only 500 calories per day, although later she limited herself to 300 calories.

I had no concepts of eating disorders, only vague memories of my mom crying about her body or recent ones of her talking about how she needed to lose weight. I thought that this was just me losing a little weight from the pandemic (which I didn’t even need to lose, I’ve always been naturally skinny) and doing it with my friend.

I started to limit what I ate, only a few bites of breakfast and dinner, no snacks, and yogurt for desert at school. I’d give snack my mom would pack me to friends on the bus so it would look like I ate.

The media I consumed also had a lot to do with it. TikToks about weight loss and people’s goal weights. I felt like I was almost apart of a community. I was always a lonely kid, so dieting with friends and seeing others do the same as me was exciting.

Later, my friend told me her mom said she shouldn’t diet anymore and that she was stopping. I understood why, but I kept going. Although, it wasn’t as severe.

Around 7th or 8th grade my relationship with my body went on an even worse downward spiral. I’d been bodying checking since 6th grade (even though I didn’t know what that was) and felt so awful about my body.

I started to get this idea in my head that if I made myself throw up, even just once, all my problems would be solved.

I had this reoccurring image in my mind of just taking my stomach away completely and how I could be skinny if I did that. (Absurd, I know)

One night I finally decided to do it and get it over with. I put the shower on and lifted the toilet lid and stuck my finger down my throat. I kept gagging but nothing was happening, I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong.

Then my mom came rushing in and saw me with my finger down my throat. I tried so hard to make excuses but she obviously saw the truth right in front of her. She tried so hard to keep it together and not cry in front of me.

Soon after it was constant doctors visits, specialist visits, therapy, seeing nutritionists, my mom was doing everything she could to fix me, as that’s how she’s always approached things. However, instead of me being grateful I just saw this as punishment. I felt like I was truly receiving punishment for bad behavior and not help for a mental illness.

I was diagnosed with anorexia and was told if I kept at this I would seriously hurt myself. But I didn’t understand what the issue was because in my mind there was nothing wrong with me due to the fact that I still ate.

I rushed through the recovery process with the specialist noting that I moved the fastest out of any patients he’s seen before. Soon I stopped going to therapy, stopped seeing a nutritionist, stopped seeing the specialist, and doctors visits became less and less frequent.

My life was still not back to normal. My mom was (and still does) constantly analyzing me and my eating habits. She would weigh me all the time and get so heart if I lost weight and constantly asked if it was on purpose.

My mom goes through these phases where she cares so deeply about my eating issues and wants to fix it immediately, and then there are phases where she thinks the problem is solved and she doesn’t have to pay attention to it anymore. Unfortunately, my problem will never be solved and it’ll stay with me forever.

However, I’m doing so much better. I’m at a healthy weight and a relatively healthy relationship with food! The things that I currently struggle with most are body dysmorphia and missing the ed culture.