go go gadget dump septic tank on tourists

gender is a performance and im doing improv comedy

it’s weird that professional letters are supposed to start with “dear.” i don’t even call my mom that

my darling hiring manager. my springtime rose. if hired i will bring a strong work ethic to this position

gonna start saying "this is setting men back 10 years" whenever some guy says some dumb shit

"this is really gonna hurt the male community"

sometimes i think love triangles should be resolved by polyamory but badly like everyone’s still mad

feng shui sabotage by placing thousands of tiny ball bearings in a bag under your couch you won't see them but you'll feel the clutter

turning a big dial labeled "victim" on one end and "perpetrator" on the other back and forth and constantly looking back at the audience for approval

Old Yeller just parried the bullet

[shaking your hand] hey you ever hear about the scorpion and the frog [not letting go] exciting friends and a good adventure

inviting a girl over to cut symbols into you and she keeps agonizing over what to use. alchemical is too fake, catholic is boring, etc. eventually you propose a pentagram just to get something moving and she says that'd be "poser gnostic shit" and walks out

Your heart is not true enough to enter the gates of Margaritaville

:33 < sighhhhh... is it pure enough for kokomo atleast? I need SOMETHING to look forward to....

Actually, Nepeta from Homestuck, you're good to come in

I see so many people saying shit like "the way fandoms behave makes me really nervous to write the story I want to write, what if my fandom sucks" and I just want to sit down with all of them and be like it's ok, you don't have to worry, you're not going to be famous