fiasc(k)o

žinojimas kuria atstumą,

momentas, kai pavadini, kai žinai,

tai pabaiga.

o, bet nepavadinta, nepažinta,

nesutikta, bet sutinkama,

paliečia ir palieka euforijoje,

tai yra, aš esu tame, tu, pasauli,

esi aš, o aš esu tu.

kartojas, dėliojas, kikena,

kalba, sako, šneka,

negali, nenori, pakanka;

tai ne tas atsakymas, ne į tą klausimą.

pasitikiu, einu ir sutinku tai,

ką reikia, turiu, noriu sutikti.

noriu, galiu ir niekada negana,

for my 20th birthday

I got a realization that

everything is not ok,

everything will not be fine

it's not just a difficult time of life

and that sometimes it's ok to just be sad

and not want to do anything

In every relationship

there's one who loves more

and one who loves less.

I always thought I was the one

who loved less.

I felt I was colder to everyone,

kept my distance,

took a very long time to

warm up to people.

But when I finally did

warm up to you, finally

started to sing around you,

when I sing around no one, ever,

I realized I was the one who fell

deeper and deeper with every day

and when I figured that out

it was too late to stop falling.

Some details gave you away:

you forgot my 'goodnights' after

such a long time of not forgetting;

you started speaking harshly

about those little quirks of mine that

you used to love, and now

it seems they annoy the shit out

of you;

you started creating new sexual

fantazies and tried to fullfill them

on me, when before natural and

passionate love making was

simply enough.

It seems you forgot me

like one of the things around

the house you used to play with.

I realized I was paralyzed

with this huge lump of unneeded

hot and soft feelings for you,

that just was dropped on your way

out and is now just another

obsticle in your way.

I was the one who loved more

I used to think

I used to sink

I used to drink

and

I used to trick

people into trusting me.

Maybe I am worth their

trust, time and

and a place in their hearts.

Maybe I will drown in my

own thoughts today

and maybe it will go too

far too deep this time.

Maybe I won't find my way back.

Maybe I'll be drawn to oblivion

by liquids, thoughts and

jokes I make. The bad ones.

Those wich only certain kinds

of people would understand and

laugh at.

But maybe it will all turn out

the best it can.

And maybe you won't see me at

my lowest this time.

Maybe everything will change

for everyone and

we will all meet some time

a list of important things:

the way you speak to me and then don't remember it when you really wake up,

first sip of coffee in the morning,

first cigarette of the day,

your touch and

the way it tingles between my tights when you do it,

post-orgasmic hugs and kisses,

pre-orgasmic kisses,

the way smile starts forming on your lips,

the not-awkward silences between us,

the way I steal your warmth,

your skin,

your hair and ears and eyes and

lips and all the things about you,

the last cigarette of the day,

the last hug before going to sleep,

the sleepy conversations just before

falling asleep,

missing you it almost hurts physically,

At some point you lured me in

I got lost in the world with you

and discovering new things

doesn't seem as exciting alone

as it is with you.

I used to be cold and distant,

perfectly capable of understanding

what's good for me and getting it.

You put a fire, a storm and a hurricane

one by one into my body and soul.

Alone isn't such a comfortable place

anymore.

Being used to control over the situation

doesn't help, because

now I feel like everything is

falling apart but in a good way,

because you know stuff I don't,

somehow you make things right.

At the end of the day I feel

dependent and insecure,

but that's fine as long as

you look like good night

toes reaching the emptiness 

on the other side,

tickling my thoughts

a navel full of stars

your back teasing the devil

clotheless and smooth

feet touching the wall and

reaching out for help

while streching.

you look like good morning

smell like coffee

sound scratchy, touching

an ear with your tongue

even fully clothed next to

you I feel naked,

my