All That I Am

I do think that that gif of Hudson looking confused on various Red Carpets exists in-universe and people use it in essentially the same contexts except that it is, of course, Shane Hollander looking blank at various pressers as yet another reporter asks him some insane run-on sentence of a word salad question. The most popular version of this gif, although there are many, is one into which someone edited #RBF in flashing glittery letters. And because it's broken containment from hockey fandom so thoroughly there are pockets of the world where Shane Hollander is not recognizable as the hockey player of a generation, or as a model, or even as one half of the most infamous outing scandal in sports history but just--the Resting Bitch Face gif guy.

When Shane gets traded to Ottawa, Harris posts a pic of itty bitty toddler Shane in an Ottawa Centaurs jersey that he is absolutely drowning in (it‘s David‘s) cheesing like there is no tomorrow, next to a pic of current Shane in his new Centaurs jersey with the caption: welcome home, Shane.

Why did it not occur to me that in addition to Vegas only being the fourth time they were together, it's also only Shane's second time having penetrative sex with a man? And it's in SUCH sharp contrast to his first time. Was it hot? Sure. Did he still try to connect afterward? Yeah. But there was none of the care from the first time. No checking in. No tenderness. Six months of silence and then disconnected sex and he is sub dropping like crazy because usually Ilya is giving him eye contact and instruction and reassurance (I'm not going to tell anyone // see you in two weeks // I'm going to go shower now, okay?) and this time there's just vodka that he doesn't want to drink and cigarettes that he doesn't want to smell and they're both about to cry.

There’s more to say about Ilya’s disappointment after tuna melt frottage. He’s still riding the waves of endorphins after their (synchronized!) orgasm. They way he’s kissing Shane and unable to suppress his smile, but you can see Shane shift and shut down and in that moment Ilya helps Shane pull his pants back up, but his eyes are darting. Uh oh, Shane is upset. They haven’t even caught their breath yet but Shane is already up. Ilya visibly tries to keep his arms around him and you can even hear a little noise of complaint from Ilya as Shane breaks the connection too soon. He just had him, he had him warm under his hands but now he’s gone. He watches Shane clean his hands on the napkin, then looks back at Shane’s face. Making decisions, but not quick enough though. Master of perception Ilya Rozanov didn’t predict this. His discernment is haywire when it comes to Shane. He doesn’t know what’s happening but he can fix it. Okay, chirp him, he loves that: You? Forgot team meeting? But Ilya isn’t smiling, isn’t sly, he’s revealing that he’s actually angry and hurt, and that just won’t do. Okay, revert to cavalier fuckbuddy: Hollander. (This was whatever. We’re just fucking around. Come back and it won’t be a big deal.) He offers an open hand. (You’re being stupid, actually, there was nothing happening, you’re making something of this, not me.) Hollander.