Howdy

🌷

The market was loud, people weaving in and out, vendors shouting their deals, customers haggling for better prices. The sun was high in the sky, beating down onto the square, the cloth covers offering little reprieve. Despite the heat, the market was lively, people chatting and laughing freely. You slipped through an opening of people passing, moving further into the crowd. Your eyes scanned the bobbing heads, looking for a particular silver flat top.

You and the others were in India for the time being. Avdol and Joseph are currently hunkered down at the hotel, brainstorming methods to getting to Egypt, leaving the rest of you to your own devices. Kakyoin mentioned wanting to visit a tea shop and left with Jotaro silently trailing behind. You had planned on filling your very rare free time with more research regarding Dio and his goons, but Polnareff practically dragged you out of the hotel, exclaiming that you spend way too much time buried in books. Your answer of ‘that’s literally my job’ fell on deaf ears.

Polnareff wanted to explore the market, which you didn’t necessarily mind doing, except for the fact that you very much disliked crowds. Unfortunately for you, it was very hard to say no to him. And he promised he wouldn’t leave you stranded. So you let him grab your hand, pushing down the weird knot in your stomach, and gleefully lead the way. The two of you had gotten to the market fairly early, so the crowd wasn’t as bad it is now. You had fun watching him jump between stalls, showing you various trinkets, jewelry, and knick-knacks with a huge grin on his face. 

While looking at one stall, you turned to say something to Polnareff, only to come to the realization that he was nowhere to be seen. An ice bucket of dread and panic washed over you in an instant. Your friend and guide is now gone, in a huge crowd, when there could be an enemy stand user anywhere. 

Okay, don’t panic. He’s freakishly tall and has silver hair so hopefully he won’t be hard to find! Right!? You think to yourself as you frantically scan the crowded space, squeezing through people on your search. 

As you walk, your panic slowly transitions into annoyance. Seriously, how the hell could he disappear so fast? I wasn’t looking for a second and he’s GONE! God, what’s his issue? Your brow furrows in frustration. Polnareff is a lovely person, you have to remind yourself of this, especially when he does stupid things. Your eyes finally lock onto Polnareff’s head in the distance, and you release a breath you didn’t realize you were holding in.

You make your way to him as quickly as you can, throwing out an absentminded apology to those you accidentally bump or cut off in your pursuit. You finally break through the crowd, breathing in a breath of fresh air. Eyeing the stall that Polnareff is visiting, you blink in surprise. It's a flower stall, a large one at that. Blooms of various sizes and types burst out of baskets, vases, and planters. Even standing a few feet away, you can smell the sweet floral aroma in the air. With a scowl fixed on your face, you march over to Polnareff and pinch him lightly on the arm.

“Ow! Hey what’s your-Oh! Y/N! There you are! I was wondering where you were!” Polnareff’s face immediately brightens once he realizes it’s you who pinched him. You cross your arms and fix him with a pointed glare. He deflates slightly.

“Really? Wondering where I was? As if I was the one who ran off without saying anything?” You try to remain upset, but you’re really just relieved to be near him again. You’re mostly just pulling his leg at this point, hoping it will make him more mindful.

Polnareff chuckles awkwardly. “Right! Right… I’m sorry. I saw this stand in the distance and got so excited that I… forgot to tell you….” He fiddles with his earring, a habit you notice he does when he’s nervous.

You can’t help but let a smile slip through at his apology. Yeah, that sounds about right, you think. You gently touch one of the flowers delicate petals.

“I never took you for much of a flower guy.” You turn and give him a teasing grin. His eyes met yours for a moment before quickly flitting away. A soft expression of reminiscence enveloped his face.

“My mother had a flower garden when I was young. She loved it dearly and spent most of her spare time tending to it. Although I didn’t inherit her green thumb, I did get her appreciation of flowers.” He leaned towards a blossom and inhaled deeply.

“Really? What kind of flowers did she keep?” You asked. Polnareff hummed in thought.

“Hm let’s see… She grew a lot of different flowers over the years, but she always had some lavender, catmint, jasmine, and what else…” He raised a hand to his chin and closed his eyes.

“Oh! She also grew lily of the valley! That’s one of my favorite flowers!” He exclaimed, a grin splitting across his face. “I remember she would grow it in a separate pot for me because I loved them so much! Every Labor Day, her, Cherie and I would pick out the best sprigs to give as gifts to our friends and family.” 

You smile. “That sounds lovely. Lily of the valley is a beautiful flower.” Polnareff hums in agreement, then fixes you with an expectant look. A beat of silence forms between the two of you, as if he’s waiting for something. You raise a brow at him, confused.

“...Well? I told you my favorite flower, I think it’s only fair you tell me yours now!” He huffs and lightly elbows you. You can’t help but snort at his strange way of asking.

You hum in thought, looking at the various flowers at the stall. “Hm… I’m not really picky when it comes to flowers, I think all of them are beautiful.” Polnareff scoffs.

“Oh please, that’s a cop out answer. Everyone has at least one that they like above all the others.” You roll your eyes. Mulling over every flower you know of, one finally sticks out to you.

“...I really like tulips.” You finally say. Polnareff’s eyes sparkle as he grins.

“Really? I should’ve guessed! Tulips definitely fit you, mon oiseau.” He says. You raise a brow and smile at him.

“Oh really? How so?” You ask in a teasing tone. He freezes slightly, the tips of his ears flushing slightly.

“Well, um… You’re just… Comment dit-on…” He mumbles, stumbling over his words. You watch him flounder, amused.

“...They just fit you… You know? Tulips are used to express… happiness, affection, stuff like that… You get the point!” Polnareff waves his hand dismissively, turning his head in a pout. You laugh at his display.

“Hey, are you two gonna buy anything, or are you just gonna stand here all day?” The stall keeper finally makes his way over to you, annoyed. Both you and Polnareff startle, forgetting that there were other people around you. You feel your face flush in embarrassment, seeing Polnareff’s do the same out of the corner of your eye. You both start blurting out a mixture of excuses and apologies all mixed into an incoherent mess. The stall keep watches, unimpressed.

“Get outta here if you’re not buying anything.” The stall keep jabs his thumb to the side, motioning the two of you to move on. You both apologize again before slinking away, merging back into the crowd. After moving far enough away, you glance at Polnareff, who meets your gaze. He cracks a sheepish grin, which turns into a nervous giggle, before full on laughter at the absurd interaction. You can’t help but laugh as well, your chest feeling light.

The sun begins to slowly lower in the sky as the two of you leisurely stroll through the market. When the crowd thickens, Polnareff finds your hand and keeps you close, making the strange knot return. Once it thins, he doesn’t let go, making a point not to acknowledge it. You can’t fight the soft smile that makes its home on your lips. The conversation between you two flows and ebbs, going from non-stop chatter to a comfortable lull of quiet then back. In the back of your mind, you wish that this moment could last a lifetime.

Suddenly, Polnareff stops in his tracks, his gaze fixed somewhere in the distance. You’re also jolted to a stop, as your hand was still intertwined with his. He realizes this, and quickly lets go, his face flushing. 

“Ah, sorry! I didn’t mean to stop so suddenly!” He says quickly, seeming embarrassed, but you see his eyes dart back to where he was looking when he stopped, appearing lost in thought. 

“It’s okay, but what are you looking at?” You ask, leaning around him to see. He moves in front of your view, trying to appear natural.

“Oh, ce n'est rien, don’t worry about it. I just thought I saw something, mon oiseau, that’s all.” He waves his hand, then put both hands on your shoulders, pushing you forward gently. “Now, it’s getting pretty late, we should get back to the hotel! Mr. Joestar and Avdol will be wondering where we are soon, don’t you think?” You look at him, bewildered.

“I mean, I guess? But what were you-” 

“GREAT! Let’s go!” Polnareff rushes in front of you, grabbing your hand once more and leading the way at a quicker pace than before. All you can do is follow at this point. Whatever, maybe he saw something weird and just wants to get out of here. Who knows with him. You sigh and let yourself be guided.

He has the two of you out of the market in record time. You take in a deep breath, finally able to relax a little. The market was wonderful, but it’s nice not being surrounded by people for once. You reluctantly slip your hand out of his, possibly imagining his grip tightening for a moment.

“Alright, well, let’s head back to the hotel, I’m starving after walking around all day.” You say, starting to make the short walk back. You pause, however. Polnareff is still standing in the market entrance, looking into it.

“Polnareff.” You say, concern lacing your voice. He hums, his eyes snapping to yours, something sparkling in them that you can’t decipher, but makes your chest tight. “Are you okay? You’re acting… odd.” He inhales as if to say something, then closes his mouth, eyes bouncing between you and the market. It seems as though he’s internally debating something. You stand there, your concern growing, and cross your arms, waiting for an explanation.

“...Would you mind staying here for a moment, Y/N?” He asks, finally turning and fully facing you. You raise a brow.

“...Why?” You ask. Polnareff sighs and glances back at the market.

“I just… I saw something at a stall that I was thinking about getting. I didn’t want to keep dragging you through the market, so I thought I’d drop you off here and run and grab it real quick.” His face flushes slightly, and he kicks at a rock on the ground, looking sheepish. “So… would you mind waiting for me before heading back to the hotel? I’ll just be a few minutes.” He looks at you, eyes pleading.

You’re touched at his thoughtfulness, but also wildly curious at what he wants to buy. You consider insisting at going with him, but the way he’s looking at you makes you falter. You sigh, deciding to indulge him.

“Alright, but make it quick, I’m starting to digest myself over here.” Polnareff perks up, face brightening, eyes shining.

“Be right back!” He says, before bolting back into the market, moving faster than you’ve seen before. You chuckle. Goodness, he’s so silly… You think fondly.

True to his word, only a few minutes pass by before you see him emerging from the thinning crowd, a smile so bright it rivals the sun, clutching a small bag. You feel the knot return, your chest tightening as you return his smile as he approaches.

As soon as he gets close, he holds the bag out to you. Your eyes widen, and you look at him, confused.

“For you, oiseau.” He says, eyes soft. His ears are tinged red as you slowly take the bag from him.

Your hands tremble slightly from excitement, confusion, and a third feeling you can’t place. You open the bag and gasp quietly as you pull out the item. It’s pendant, made out of delicate metal work, sculpted in the shape of a tulip. It’s small, no bigger than the first knuckle of your thumb. You look at Polnareff, eyes shining. He maintains your gaze for a moment, before looking away, face flushing. He clears his throat.

“I um… I saw the stall earlier, which I why I stopped. I figured you could either put it on a chain you have already, or use it as a bracelet charm. Maybe even as a keychain. I just thought, y’know… Flowers only last so long, so… I wanted to get you something that would…” He fidgets with his half heart earring. He meets your gaze. “...Do you like it?” He asks, quietly. 

He waits for your response, apprehensive. You look at him, then back to the pendant. You don’t know what to say. No ones ever gotten you flowers, especially not something like this. You feel your chest tighten and your heart swell. Your lips begin to curl on their own, forming a tender smile. You seem to do that a lot around Polnareff.

“...It’s beautiful. Thank you, Polnareff. This is really… Really sweet.” You say, looking at him. Polnareff smiles sheepishly at you, his face flushing more, he seems to do that a lot around you. He plays with his earring and swings an arm around your shoulder, making you buckle slightly.

“Alright, enough sentimental stuff, I’m starving! Say, Y/N, what do you think we should have for dinner tonight? I was thinking curry? Or maybe korma? Oh! Or we could…” He walks with you back to the hotel, going on and on about different things the two of you could get, his arm remaining steady on your shoulders.

You listen, a smile on your face as you clutch the bag holding the charm. It was a very thoughtful gift, one of the most thoughtful you’ve ever received. Your body feels light as you walk, chest full of butterflies. You can’t quite put a name to it, or maybe you’re too frightened of what will happen if you do. Despite the fear, you wish you could be like this with him all the time. You see the hotel in the distance. You’ve finally decided.

“How about we do curry?”

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Word Count: 4,400+

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, self-loathing thoughts, graphic depictions of injuries, mentions of dead bodies (not real dw), guns, gunshots

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Bullets ricocheted off the walls as you and your teammates sprinted through the hallways. The fluorescent lights buzzed overhead as you ran, mocking your panicked state. This was not supposed to happen. This was supposed to be an easy in and out mission, not a full blown battle zone. You fear your calls for backup went unheard. Your heart jumped as you spotted an exit. You motioned to your teammates the exit location.

“I’ll cover you guys, move out!” You yelled. They nodded and ran by you. As they passed, you counted each member. Your chest sank as your last teammate passed you. Someone was missing. You grabbed the last soldier’s arm and held them back. 

“Where the hell is Parker!?” You yelled.

“He’s not already left?” They asked, worry lacing their voice. You shook your head and wracked your brain for where Parker could be. You let go of the soldier’s arm and motioned for them to head through the exit.

“I’m going back for him, go join the others and await backup.” You said and started moving back further into the building. 

“Wait, you’re not going back alone are you!? That’s a death wish!” Said the soldier, grabbing your shoulder. You shrugged them off and gave them a determined look.

“I will not leave anyone behind, now move soldier!” You yelled. They hesitated for a moment, and then ran after the other team members. You raised your gun and slowly began making your way through the building. You followed the sound of distant gunfire.

You pressed yourself against the wall and shifted closer to the edge of the doorway. A stray bullet whizzed through the open door. You could hear men yelling inside. With a deep breath, you burst through the doorway and shot at the assailants inside. Within seconds, they were down, having been caught by surprise. 

You glare at the figure that starts to slowly rise from behind a table. Storming over, you hit Lieutenant Parker upside the head.

“What the fuck were you thinking!? How the hell did you fall so far behind from the rest of the team!?” You yell, dragging him out from behind the table by his collar. He ducks his head staring at the floor.

“...I saw Veseli heading down this way after watching us scramble from the meeting room. I… I thought I could finish him off… That maybe this mission wouldn’t have been for nothing…” He says, gripping his gun tightly. You look at him, guilt welling up in your chest. You led them on this faulty mission. You should’ve checked it out for yourself before jumping in…

You huff and rest a hand on his shoulder. “...Don’t worry about it. But you’re goddamn lucky someone like you is hard to replace, or else you would’ve been left to be dog food…” Parker chuckles at that. You give him a grin. “Now come on, we’re not outta this hell hole yet. The rest of the team’s waiting outside. I’ll cover you.” He nods and the two of you inch towards the door. Parker peeks out into the hall before slipping out, giving you the motion to continue. 

You slip out as well, remaining as quiet as possible. You both creep down the halls, bodies of your assailants littering the floors. As you near the exit, you hear footsteps and shouts in the distance. Dammit… They just keep coming… You think to yourself. 

“Parker, make a run for the exit, I’ll cover you.” He looks at you in shock.

“L/N, you can’t be serious-” You cut him off, focusing entirely on the opposite end of the hall.

“I refuse to fill out a K.I.A. form tonight, Lieutenant. Now get your ass out of here.” You feel him hesitate. “Dammit, Parker, NOW!” You hear him start running down the hall. As he ran, gunmen round the corner, barely getting the chance to raise their weapons before you mowed them down.

Grunt after grunt came, but none were able to do anything against your onslaught. But they were starting to wear you down, your cartridge in your gun running low. You dropped your gun when it drew blanks and pulled out your pistol. You started back down the hall, inching towards the exit, trying to kill as many as you could. You couldn’t, wouldn’t, let them get to the rest of your team. 

“L/N! Get out of there, there’s too many!” You heard Parker yell from behind you. You whipped around, seeing him standing in the exit doorway. Fury boiled up inside of you. I told that little shit to get out of- The thought was cut off as bullets riddled your back. A gasp left you as you felt three of them enter right underneath your vest. Blinding pain erupted from your lower spine as you collapsed. 

You couldn’t feel your legs as your body met the ground. Loud ringing filled your ears as you numbly tried to sit up. Fiery, white hot pain ripped through your spine as you shifted slightly. You tried to move your legs to no avail. It felt like they were gone, like they didn’t exist. You heard more gunfire, and felt a pair of arms start dragging you down the hall. Each movement was agony, it felt as though someone had ripped off your lower spine.

Someone was speaking to you as everything around you faded to black. You closed your eyes. Opening them, you saw you were standing in a void. You looked down, and saw yourself, being dragged down the hall by Parker. Blood gushed from your lower back and torso as you laid there limply. You blinked, but you were no longer staring at yourself and Parker…

It was Soap, it was his lower back riddled with bullets, and it was Ghost dragging him down the hall. You tried to rush to help, but you were glued to the inky blackness, frozen, forced to watch as he bled out, as Ghost tried to save him. 

“This is just a dream, it’s just a dream, this didn’t happen, it’s okay, they’re okay!” You told yourself. Your voice echoed throughout the void. The figures of Soap and Ghost stopped, as if they were frozen in time. 

“But it could have happened… Because you hesitated…” Rang a voice from the darkness, your voice. “You almost got them killed… What happened to you could have happened to them… Because of your carelessness…” You looked at the figures again, only this time…

The entirety of 141 were sprawled on the ground, riddled with bullets, bloodied, dead. Gaz, Laswell, Price, Soap, Ghost. All of them. Dead. 

“It’s your fault… You caused this…” You shook your head, tears welling up in your eyes. The voice echoed those words, louder, louder, louder. You tried to cover your ears, close your eyes, but you could still hear it, still see their mangled bodies. You dropped to the ground, unable to bear it any longer. A scream ripped from you and then-

You jolted upwards, a gasp tearing from your throat. Your breaths were labored as you quickly took in your surroundings, sweat clinging to your skin. You were in your room, laying in bed. You exhaled and pressed the heels of your palms to your eyes, attempting to calm yourself. It was a nightmare, it wasn’t real… You repeated to yourself. … But it could have been… You sucked in a breath. Guilt ridden thoughts started welling up inside, the darkness of your room feeling heavy on your shoulders. You curled in on yourself, trying to breathe.

It was suffocating, the darkness, the words that clanged in your head. You had to leave. You snatched your cane as you jolted from your bed and lunged for the door, wrenching it open. As quickly as you could, you made your way through the silent, empty halls, the clacking of your cane seeming to echo throughout the base. You needed air.

You thrust open the door that led outside and took in a deep breath. The crisp, cool night air filled your lungs as you breathed, and breathed, and breathed. You plopped down on a bench next to the door and stared at the moon. From what you could tell from its position, it was probably around 3 or 4 in the morning. You sighed and leaned your head against the concrete exterior of the base. What a shitty week… You thought.

It had been almost a week since the last mission, you had been avoiding everyone, unable to face them. Everyday, you would send a request to Laswell for a transfer, and everyday it would be denied. You couldn’t understand why she refused it, had she not seen how royally you fucked up? You froze at the worst possible time. You could have gotten the team killed if it weren’t for Laswell’s quick thinking. You huffed a bitter laugh. If only the team could see me now… How pathetic I’ve gotten… Your chest burned with memories of them… How they looked at you with admiration. It wasn’t 141 you were thinking of, it was your team… Task Force 441…

You frowned as you remembered your last meeting with them, while you were still bedridden in the hospital. You hadn’t said a single word to them the entire time. You didn’t even say goodbye to them when they left. How long ago was that…? A year…? A year gone by, and you’re right back at square one… How pathetic of you…

You heard a shuffle from the doorway. Turning your head lamely, you suddenly froze when you saw Soap standing there. He seemed to have the same reaction as you, him staring at you like a deer in headlights. His mohawk was ruffled, and he was dressed in a tank top, sweatpants, and a pair of slippers. You both stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, neither of you knowing what to say.

“Um… How’s it goin’...?” Says Soap, slowly. He cringes internally at his words. He’s pretty sure he knows damn well how it’s going. Not good! 

“Um… Fine I guess…?” You say, looking down at the gravel beneath the bench. A beat of awkward silence bounces between the two of you. 

Soap hadn’t meant to find you. He had woken up only a few minutes prior with the need for a drink and had been on his way to the break room when he saw the outside door open, a night breeze sweeping down the hall. It was just simple curiosity that led him here.

He hadn’t seen you since your outburst on the blacktop. That was about a week ago. He tried to talk to you only once after it happened, but was met with icy silence. He figured you just needed time alone. He considers going back inside and leaving you be. But… Just looking at you, he can tell something is eating you alive. There’s dark circles under your eyes, and your face is soulless and blank. You probably want to be left alone… But something in him keeps him from turning around. He’s seen Simon the same way. He can’t let you do this alone…

Against his better judgment he fully steps outside. “...D’ye mind if I sit whit ye for a moment?” He says gently. If you said no, he’d go back inside, no questions asked.

You take in a breath, preparing to tell him to leave you alone, but… You stop yourself. Do you really want to be alone right now…? Besides, does he really deserve to keep being pushed away like this? You sigh and wave your hand.

“Be my guest. I can’t tell you where to sit.” You say. Your focus remains on the ground as you feel him sit next to you. Silence washes over the two of you, but it’s not as awkward as before. You close your eyes and rest your head on your hands. Thankfully, it seems as though your thoughts aren’t as loud as earlier. Probably because you’re embarrassed someone’s found you in this state, especially Soap, who was the last person you wanted to find you like this.

Soap observes you as you sit there with your eyes closed. You look so small right now… So vulnerable. He can’t see any of your usual confident attitude, that sense of unwavering strength and determination. You look like a shell, a void that will swallow light whole. 

“...How come yer out here?” He asks. He didn’t know if he’d get an answer or not. It wouldn’t bother him if you didn’t. He’s used to his questions going unanswered, having had that happen to him many times with Simon.

You sit there for a moment, considering. You let out a sigh. “Oh… You know… Nightmares and stuff like that… Nothing I can’t handle. Just needed to… To get away from it for a moment…” You say, exhaustion heavy in your voice. You were tired. Not just physically, but mentally. You were tired of being ripped from sleep by memories you wanted to forget. You were tired of being in your own head. 

Soap hums in acknowledgment. You’re not the only one who’s been dragged from sleep because of nightmares. Both he and Simon have had to console one another after particularly bad ones. 

“...D’ye want t’ talk aboot it?” He asks softly. Once again, he wasn’t expecting a yes or even an answer from you. It was more so a gentle offer, a reminder that you can talk to him and he would listen for as long as you needed.

You sat there, head still resting on your hands, pondering. It’s not that you didn’t trust Soap, hell, you trust the man with your life. You just… You didn’t know if you could bear telling him. Would he look at you differently? Would he treat you with pity, or disgust when he found out about your failure? You turned slightly to look at him for the first time since he came out here. He was sitting next to you patiently, his eyes void of judgment or pity. Maybe… Just maybe…

You let out a long sigh and sat up. You leaned against the wall of the base and crossed your arms, staring up at the moon. A minute or two of silence passed by. Soap turned his gaze from you and looked at the moon as well. Perhaps you weren’t ready to talk.

“I used to be the captain of Task Force 441.” You say, eyes never leaving the sky. Soap’s eyes widen as he whirls his head to stare at you, shocked. He knew you were a part of the team, but the captain!?

You can see his shocked expression out of the corner of your eye and grin a little. “I know, I don’t look the part, do I? Especially not now.” You let out a sigh and close your eyes. “I was handpicked by some of the higher ups, along with the other 6 members.” A smile graced your lips. “We were together for years, kicking ass, scaring off baddies, we felt unstoppable.” Your smile dropped from your face. Soap didn’t dare say a word, afraid you’d stop talking.

“...Do you know what our last mission was?” You asked quietly. Soap thought for a moment. He’d heard vague rumors. Some said it was something so violent it made them all quit. Others said it was a ruse so the team could retire. None of them felt like the truth though.

“Only heard rumors, didnae think any of them were true…” He said. You let out a bitter chuckle.

“Superiors must’ve kept the reason under wraps then…” You say. You look at the moon once more. “Several of our missions prior had been to take down operations from this criminal organization in southern Europe. Illegal weapon trades and all that. The leader, Bedarin Veseli, didn’t like that for obvious reasons.” You shut your eyes. “He managed to find out who we were, who we worked with. He… He went straight for our intelligence officer… My friend…” You clenched your fists. “He offered her a massive amount of money to lead us on a false mission so he could eradicate us… Apparently the offer was too good to refuse in her eyes…” You sighed.

“So, she cooked up a mission for us. She said she’d gotten word that Veseli had a group of hostages locked up in an abandoned base… The same base where Graves was hiding in earlier this week.” Soap’s eyes widened at that. So that’s why they were acting so strange… “We, of course, accepted it. I… I didn’t think to check out the facts myself…” Your eyes glazed over, lost in the memories of that night. “We went in, expecting it to be an easy in and out. We’ve rescued hostages dozens of times before, how difficult could this one be?” You chuckled. “How foolish we were… How foolish I was… We had gotten to the meeting room where the ‘hostages’ were supposedly being held. What we found instead were dozens of armed lackeys with big fucking guns.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised none of us were injured in the initial onslaught. We barely managed to get away.” You smiled. “Veseli may have had the manpower, but he still underestimated our skill. Sure, he caught us off guard, but everyone managed to escape.” Your smile slipped. “...Well… Not fully intact, I suppose…” You rested a hand on your right leg. “...I had managed to get everyone out, except for my second in command, Lieutenant Parker. I went back for him, ordered my team to remain outside and await backup.” 

“I found him and dragged his ass to the exit, but not before more of Veseli’s men found us. I managed to mow down most of them, told Parker to run for it as I covered him.” You turned your attention back to the night sky. “...I got distracted and then boom. Shot in the back. Three of the bullets managed to hit right under my vest… Next thing I know, I’m in the hospital, being relieved of duty and told I’ll never walk normally for the rest of my life. I dream of that night every time I try to sleep.” Your words ring in the night air. Soap sits there next to you. He doesn’t know what to say.

The two of you are silent for a few minutes. Soap watches your face. It’s utterly blank, devoid of any emotion as you stare silently at the moon. He feels like he should say something, offer condolences, offer anything. He opens his mouth.

“I sometimes wish I had died that night.” You say quietly. Soap freezes, cold washing through him. You continue.

“Those months after the mission, I had hoped, begged, prayed to anything out there to let me die. I thought that dying was better than to lose my purpose in life, to face my failure… My failure as a leader, as a team member… as a soldier…” You looked down at your hands, taking in the details of your palms, your calluses, proof of the work you had put in to get where you are today. “I thought that death was better than the humiliation of defeat. Better than the knowledge that my enemy had gotten the better of me, that he had turned my friend against me, that he had crippled me for life…” 

“...I thought that I had overcome that. I thought I had found a new purpose… But after the last mission… After I froze up and almost got you guys killed…” You grinned, but there was no amusement behind it. “Am I any better than I was then?” You gritted your teeth, your clenched fists trembling. “I let my emotions overcome me, let them blind me as they blinded me then. I knew there was something weird about the mission… I knew that there were holes in the story… But I… I didn’t question it… I didn’t look into it myself… Blindly trusting it because she was my friend… Like a lamb to slaughter…” You let out a broken laugh and pressed your hands to your face.

“Rather pathetic, huh?” Your voice cracked as you spoke. Your eyes burned behind your hands, throat bobbing. The dam of emotions inside you was wearing thin.

Soap’s brows furrowed as he watched you attempt to ground yourself, as you tried to brush off what you had just revealed. You were broken. You had been shattered, betrayed, and had shoddily picked up the pieces. You had laid all your soul bare to him, and were still trying to keep a brave face.

He gently laid a hand on your shoulder. “...Ye really think it’s yer fault…?” He asked. Hands still pressed to your face, you nod, body trembling. He removes his hand from your shoulder and crosses his arms, letting out a huff. “...Well that’s the biggest load o’ shite I’ve ever heard in me life.” You slowly process his words, your hands lowering from your face as you turn to him.

“...Huh…?” 

“I said that’s the biggest load o’ shite I’ve ever heard in me life! Ye did nothin’ wrong! Ye were jus’ followin’ orders! How cuid ye have known ‘at she had betrayed ye? Especially if she were yer friend!” He sighed. “Yer real smart… But honestly yer actin’ like a right roaster right aboot now!” You furrow your brows. Roaster…? The fuck does that mean…?

He placed a hand on your shoulder again. “It wasn’t yer fault. Ye did whit any solider wuid’ve done. The only way ‘at bastard gets the better of ye is if ye let yerself fall into a hole ye cannae get out of.” You look at Soap, stunned. He glances away and rubs the back of his neck. “... Yer an incredible intelligence officer, one o’ the most skilled I’ve ever seen. Sure, ye froze up, but shite happens. None o’ us fault ye for it… It’d be a shame ifn’ye quit on us… We all… We all really like havin’ ye on the team…” He pulls his hand away. “We’ve all been through hell. ‘Ats the life of a soldier. But, we have each other… At the end o’ the day, we’re all surrounded by people who get it, get us… So, don’t think yer alone in this…” You let his words sink in.

You reflected on the past few months. Ever since joining 141, you had started to feel like yourself again. The joking, the banter, the conversations, every moment made you feel alive again. You had felt like you were alone, that you couldn’t talk to anyone about this. But you weren’t alone. Soap had reached out to you, so had Gaz, Price, Laswell, hell, even Ghost.

A smile creeped onto your face, and you turned to Soap. “...Thanks, Soap…” He gave you a grin.

“...Ye can call me Johnny, ifn’ye want to, ‘at is…” He said, face flushing slightly. You chuckled.

“Alright, thank you, Johnny, for listening to my tragic tale.” You say sarcastically. He huffed a laugh at that. The two of you sat in a comfortable quiet for the first time that night.

“D’ye miss yer old task force?” Johnny asked. You let out a hum as you thought.

“...I do. They were like family to me. I’m not… I’m not as upset about my leg anymore… I mean, look at where I am now, I’d never have gotten here without it happening I suppose.” You turned and grinned at Johnny, nudging his shoulder. “Besides, if it hadn't happened, I wouldn’t have met you guys!” He smiled and waved you off.

“Ahh, yer jus’ sayin’ that…”

You scoff. “Am not! I’m really happy to have met you guys! Besides, if we hadn’t met, who would listen to my rants about true crime tv shows?” Johnny places his face in his hands.

“Cannae believe ye out-rank me…” He mumbled. You barked out a laugh and patted his shoulder.

“I out-rank you either way, buster. No matter where you go, I’m still your superior.” He groaned as you chuckled.

You let out a sigh and stand up, grabbing your cane and stretching your stiff legs. You yawn. “Well, it’s late and I’ve barely slept. I’m gonna try to catch a few more winks before sunrise.”

Johnny looks up at you as you stretch. “So… Are things gonna go back t’ normal, then? Yer gonna go back t’ work whit Laswell?” You stop your stretches and look down at him.

“...Yeah… I guess so…” You rub the back of your neck and look sheepishly at the ground. “...Sorry if I worried you guys… I guess that’s really unprofessional of me…” Johnny waves his hand.

“Ah, don’ worry aboot it! Everyone goes through a rough patch every now an’ then!” He lowers his hand. “...Maybe next time though, don’ disappear for days straight…? Ye had Price and Gaz worried somethin’ fierce, even Ghost was gettin’ ready t’ knock yer door doon.” Your face flushes bright red with embarrassment.

“...I’ll keep that in mind…” You start to head inside, but pause and look at Johnny once more. “...Thank you, again. For listening to me… It… It really meant a lot.” He gives you a gentle smile.

“Aye, thas whit friends are for.” You smiled at him.

“Goodnight, Johnny. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He bids you goodnight as well and you walk inside.

Johnny listens to your fading footsteps and clacking of your cane, the sounds slowly being overtaken by crickets chirping. He leans back and rests his head against the wall. He never imagined tonight would have gone like this. He never imagined how hurt you were. He thought back to how you looked earlier, hands pressed to your face, voice trembling. He knew you had gone through hell but damn. He never thought it was that bad.

…Maybe that’s why Simon had tried to comfort you that day. Maybe he could sense you were broken too. Speakin’ of Simon, he’s probably wonderin’ where the hell I am… Johnny lets loose a sigh and stands, stretching his limbs. How long had the two of you been sitting there? Must’ve been an hour or more. He headed back inside, making his way down the hall.

Hopefully, after tonight, you’d be more comfortable sharing your thoughts. Hopefully, you wouldn’t feel the need to bury them inside until they burst. He reached the door to his room, and looked down the hall. A small smile tugged at his lips as he thought about your laughter earlier.

He hoped you slept well tonight.

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Heyyyyy..... So sorry that I haven't updated this fic in awhile.... I fell out of the COD fandom after my hyperfixation ended lol... But!! I'm not going to give up on this fic!! I think I have a good story and I wanna tell it!! But, updates will probably be slow tbh since I'm in school so.... We'll see how long it will take. But rest assured, this fic will be completed one way or another!! Ciao !!

XOXOXOXOXOX <3

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