Okay I lied about that last post being my last post. It's eating me alive, and I need to let it all out here, because where else would I? This will undoubtedly be verbose word vomit, and yet, I guarantee these words still won't be enough.
I loved Naya Rivera an aggressive amount, this is no secret around this place. I obsessed over her in a way that's almost too embarrassing to discuss. While all my friends were out living it up in college, I was rushing home to my laptop, watching interview after interview, listening to songs, ogling over photoshoots, making low quality gifs and videos and screaming with my online friends. But for a very lonely, lost, depressed girl in her early 20s, desperate to connect to something, she was someone I latched onto. She was exactly what I needed when I needed it. There will never be another person I feel that way about. I had about 12 URLs saved that all related to her: nayas-upperlip, nayasclavicles, nayasmandible, nayas-lefteye all come to mind. Again, this is clearly ridiculous and insanely embarrassing to think about now, but it was real at the time. Her talent was unmatched, the way she could sing any song with her soulful tone and bring it to life. Her acting ability, starting when she was just a toddler, the way she could effortlessly go between delivering a bitchy one liner to tearfully pouring her heart out with such vulnerability. She moved every person that was lucky enough to witness it. Her beauty...God her beauty. I'll never have a bigger crush in my life. Her tender love and care with Santana's storyline was beyond inspirational for so many of us. Hearing everyone's stories the past couple of days has been eye opening. She did for so many exactly what she did for me. It affected girls, boys, young and old. That storyline didn't have to happen, she didn't have to fight for it, but she did that for us. She could have remained a bitchy, one dimensional, boy-crazed cheerleader who hooks up with her friend as a joke. But she knew it wasn't a joke to people. And doing this on a primetime hit television series? That was huge. She made sure that the masses saw it, at a time it just wasn't a thing. With the way in which she talked about the LGBTQ community, you could tell she just understood. She fully embraced this role, and she fully embraced us. Hearing all of her friends and cast mates share their stories about her has been both painful and heartwarming. They all adored her and spoke of her kindness and quick wit. She accepted everyone into her circle, it didn't matter who they were. It feels nice to know that someone you so admired was indeed just as good of a person as you imagined they were.
It was like she was the object of my 2nd grade little boy affection, and perhaps it was because during my coming out phase, I felt like a child starting life over again. I picked on her. A lot. Some would visit my blog and be confused. "Sooo...do you love her or do you hate her?" I often called her a dumb bitch, a whore, keysmashed about how awful she looked, said "I fucking hate you," teased her about her relationships and how she looked like a terrible kisser, the list goes on and on and on. I created "SHEFNRS" which was the Second Hand Embarrassment For Naya Rivera Society, where I called out every embarrassing moment from her life, whether it be a childhood modeling gig, cringey lines she said on The Bernie Mac Show or talking about her dumb tattoo. All because I loved her an aggressive amount, like that 2nd grade boy on the playground. When I was lucky enough to meet her in person, I walked up confidently and said, "Hey, Nay Nay Rivers," one of her many nicknames. She turned to Cory like, "Did you hear this??" and laughed her belly laugh, you know the one. I'm pretty sure I blacked out after that.
I could never repay her for what she's done for me, for a girl who, like Santana Lopez, hated herself and hated the world. The character she portrayed helped me be brave, to better love myself and helped me connect to so many amazing people all over the world, some I hope to keep in my life forever. No one on the outside of this thing will ever understand our love for her. But that's okay. They don't have to.
And while she was a big part of our lives, she was everything to her family and friends. My heart is with all of them right now, especially her son who was her world. It was a beautiful thing watching her become a mother, to see her face light up when she talked about him. I hope Josey will come to learn what a huge impact she had on this world. She will live on in all of us.
This still doesn't feel real, and it's all very hard to process and make any sense of considering the horrific circumstances, but we must take comfort in knowing she changed this world for the better. She was here for a reason.
Rest up, Nay Nay. Thank you for everything. We won't stop honoring you.
