:)

I know my gender is more than simply “woman,” but it’s absolutely “woman,” specifically Transgender woman. It’s also really specific in addition to that.

So, for the curious:

Do I still identify as Transgender? Yes.🏳️‍⚧️

🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

Do l identify as Non-binary? Yes, mostly.

💛🤍💜🖤

I don't like the way that *linguistically,* Non-binary can sound like it defines a category of gender identities as something I am NOT. I understand why a label like Agender necessarily does this, but I resist, just a little bit, the urge to identify myself by what I am not, as much as possible.

Which leads me to...

Are there any other, more specific identities either beyond or within the Non-binary umbrella that I identify with? Well, yes...

...and it's incomplete, and there’s an ongoing search for more specific labels to fit my rather specific set gender of experiences.

Thus far, I also identify with:

-Queer 🖤💜💙💚🤍🧡❤️💜🖤- This has been true since the early days after my egg first cracked (Nov 2021), when I realized all at once that I am a woman. And I relate to the label of Queer in many, many gender-feels types of ways, as well as the political ones.

-Genderqueer 💜🤍💚 - I relate to this in many ways, also including the political ones.

-Dyke (and Lesbian) ❤️🧡🤍🩷💜 - This is both an experience of orientation AND gender for me. If you don't know what I mean, either send me an Ask/Anon or even a DM (I like these types of questions, so don't get too nervous on me now), or else I otherwise don't really care to explain it much beyond this, at least for now. It’s not about being Butch (I’m not), and it’s not precisely about being Femme (I sort of am?? But definitely not High Femme. Though this identity and mode of expression interest me to a degree).

-Woman!!! 💕 - this one has NOT gone ANYWHERE. I know my gender to be, and to fully fill the container that is the shape of, my own experience of womanhood, AND ALSO, there's more.

But that “more” is not just femininity and masculinity. It’s well beyond and between and outside of and betwixt all of these ideas... and it inhabits the impossible space of ALSO disidentifying with all of the above at the same time (except for woman), while somehow... *pre-dating* all these concepts??

Like. I somehow feel like l identify, in ways I cannot fully elucidate or explain, with the archetype of the Primal Androgyne (which, is not the same thing as the gender identity Androgyne, not exactly).

—

So, now feels like a good time to remind y’all that my bio says that I’m an “Ex-vangelical,” meaning I left the church. I myself also left the faith entirely, which does not apply to everyone who call themselves an Ex-vangelical (which, is another term describing me by what I am not, or in this case, something I no longer am. But, it’s informative of a significant portion of my personal history, so I embrace it. And I also like wordplay, so). Anyway, I’m now an agnostic atheist. BUT, I never lost my appreciation for the concept of the various creation myths that exist. They’re a really creative, really human way of exploring why the world is the way it is, through the lens of whatever qualities are ascribed to the deities of a certain culture at the time/s of their writing.

So, what’s a Primal Androgyne? Essentially, it’s the idea that the original form of humankind was “created” in many creation myths, including certain Jewish ones (though, these are different from the ones which show up in the Christian Bible or the Hebrew Scriptures), without a gender binary, without sexual dimorphism, and essentially what we would typically describe as physiologically androgynous. The idea was, when god divided the first human (in half!), who I’ve heard might’ve been named “Adama” (correct me if I’m wrong, bc I got that from an indirect source), we get Adam and Eve, or Adam and Lilith, depending on which version(s) you’re referencing. Though some interpretations say Lilith was also made like Adama, as a Primal Androgyne, but created separately as the second human, before she then left the garden behind. If that’s the case, then that means Eve was made from Adama by splitting them in two, after Lilith left. But, whether that split happened and resulted in Adam and Lilith or Adam and Eve (leaving Lilith as a Primal Androgyne still, in theory), this creation myth describes the mythological events which introduced sexual dimorphism into humankind.

Though obviously we know sex and gender to each exist on broad spectrums which are not directly or consistently correlated with one another in any universal way. So, my identification with this archetype as a direct correlate for a major aspect of my gender identity is not about the idea of those truths being somehow invalid, if humans were “originally created” androgynous. I don’t even believe any of this is literal. It’s literature. It’s mythology. But it’s inspirational stuff, to an extent. Still, I want to emphasize that this isn’t some sort of “purity” thing for me. I don’t even believe in the concept of sin, so purity in that sense holds no meaning for me. And it’s not about “purity” due to the original form being somehow “superior” either.

It’s just.

It did something to my brain when I heard that this alternate version of the creation account began with god saying “let us make them in our image” and then making them androgynous and able to reproduce without a partner (whether through internal or external physiological mechanisms, we can’t know, but those specifics matter much less to me. I’ll circle back to the reasons for that later). But despite being able to reproduce on their own, Adama ASKED god for a partner like the other animals typically had, either for reproduction or for companionship in many species.

So, what’s compelling to me here is something about the “completeness” or “wholeness” or “fullness” of the image of the divine being accurately represented by a human who was a Primal Androgyne. Therefore, whatever it even means to be made in the “image of the divine,” according to this version of the story, that includes, not only Adam and either Eve or Lilith as whole people who originated as parts of their original whole human, but it is most accurately represented by Adama at least, if not Lilith in her earliest history as well (again, depending on the version). The androgyny itself wasn’t necessarily the main draw for me, because I don’t generally identify with the gender feelings of being androgynous…

…But, when I learned about certain types of bottom surgery which can preserve what I have while also being a form of vaginoplasty, I involuntarily teared up a little. That was a surprise, but it was also very solid DATA about what I need. Which is something I have since come to accept. I’ll be looking into this in more detail someday.

THIS is also why I don’t care much about whether Adama was able to reproduce via internal or external means… because those are both impossible to achieve medically in the real world. And also because it’s a moot point, since I do not wish to reproduce at all (never have). So then, if I’m gonna have any type of bottom surgery, it’s most certainly not gonna be nullification or anything similar. Instead, it’ll be something in the opposite direction, so to speak, where I want as fully formed of a vagina and vulva as I can achieve while also fully retaining the penis and testes I have now. And that’s not about gender identity or expression, nor is it a fetish (though, people should be able to have the bodily autonomy where, even if something is a fetish, go ahead and mod your body, it’s your choice!) No, it’s not about those things. It’s about becoming a living art piece which is an abstract representation, in almost a literary way, of the part of my gender identity which is affiliated with the archetype of the Primal Androgyene, who was mythologically the fullest manifestation of being “made in gods’ image” as one could’ve ever been, before the split into separate human bodies with traits of two different sexes at least, with potential for even more variance down the line.

—

There’s a whole other aspect to this though. I identify with Lilith, whether she was the version created from the other half of Adam when split in two, or whether she herself was a primal androgyne like Adama, staying that way when leaving the garden and then getting cursed by god.

What I feel most connected to is her defiant womanhood and/or femininity, including the willingness to argue with Adam when he insisted he was “above” her and she therefore shouldn’t be allowed to ride him while they fucked. Then, after they argued, she uttered the ineffable name of god to summon them and present her case, only for god to side with Adam. Which. Is due to the patriarchal nature of these versions of the stories, as they were written. Anyway, I deeply relate with the defiance inherent to being willing to transgress the “sanctity” of gods’ name in order to get them the fuck down here RIGHT NOW. And that same defiance is shown in her willingness to have left the garden after this in the first place and then to refuse to return when god pleaded with her to do so, thus choosing her own exile over compromising who she is and what she deserves. And then there’s her willingness to do whatever the fuck is necessary to fulfill her original desires and purpose: to self-propagate through reproduction and to have her offspring to raise, regardless of the curse god put on her, or the promise they made to kill 100 of her babies every day. (This is where we get the legend that Lilith is a kidnapper of infants or is somehow responsible for what we might describe as SIDS). I admire and relate to her defiance against a patriarchal and unjust partner, a patriarchal and unjust deity (even if they were her MAKER), and her defiance against the odds now stacked against her.

I relate to the spirit behind her vibe of: “You wanna make me a monster? FINE! I’ll be your fuckin’ monster. I’ll exercise the POWER you just gave me to inflict fear and to take what I want. You make me a monster, and I’ll lick the blood off my claws and come back another day for more.”

Something about her embracing of her newfound demonic nature just speaks to my sense of self, although I don’t identify AS a demon in any direct way. I have a friend who does identify as Therian, specifically a demon. More specifically an Archfiend. And as much as I admire that, it’s simply not part of my own nature or gender.

I also definitely relate to some of the legends about Lilith becoming a shapeshifter, and then the idea that maybe she took on the form of a serpentine creature and snuck back into the garden to tempt Eve with the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, which opened her eyes (and then Adam’s eyes) to the idea that good and evil are relative, and that what god had done by forcing them to obey was actually evil. The power of Lilith’s words to gain Eve’s trust and to help her wake up… and the power she illustrated before that by being willing to utter the ineffable name of god in order to summon them to the garden… it’s intense.

I relate to the way Lilith uses her words to wield her wild, defiant power against power structures which do injustice, even if she must stay wild and monstrous, and thus exiled, to accomplish it. Something about utilizing words to accomplish something in reality… it feels like that is ALSO part of the image of the divine, in and of itself (it mirrors the creation process itself).

I also relate to Eve’s willingness to decide for herself. The desire to understand more, to have something good that seems to truly be meant for her, despite what she’s been told about it that seems untrue. Her willingness to risk being someone who makes her own choice, and then to show the results of that choice to Adam, proving that god lied to them. It’s defiant too, but in a way that illustrates clearly that insisting on one’s own autonomy is a divine quality.

And what I like the most and identify strongly with here overall, is the idea that divinity cannot make something as a living being in their own image… without the qualities of insisting on full autonomy, utilizing the power of speech to affect the world around them, and the desire for partnership itself, which, is presumed to be the reason god would’ve made any being in their own image to begin with. They wanted a partner to co-exist with. Divinity is in community within themselves, yet is also in need of communing with the other. Our very nature as social beings is divine in these stories too.

…When I was first describing all of this to my partner and later to my girlfriend, I summarized it like this at the end:

“I somehow identify with the physical aspects of this, like, SO much, while knowing myself to be a woman, fully. It’s confusing. But so beautiful to me too.

I just want to be the type of woman that reflects the divine and the forbidden, all at once.

The vast unknowable multitudes within me, translated into reality in my physical form and my words as much as is possible within this reality.

That’s my gender.”

—

So, while I may have newly come out as Non-binary, and also Genderqueer… all of the above is what I actually experience.

I am a woman. I am a Transgender woman. I am a Dyke. I am a Non-binary and Genderqueer Transgender Dyke, who is also specifically a woman. And all of this is in the context of identifying strongly with the archetype of the Primal Androgyne specifically, as well as having an extremely deep and abiding component of my gender that’s tied directly to defiance in service of insistence upon full autonomy and the right to make one’s own choices, even if it’s a “sin,” all in the context of the idea that both the “original form” of humanity and the versions which exist after being “split” as a result of the autonomy exercised in asking for a partner, in defying injustice, and in resisting blind obedience or lack of autonomy… all of them are inherently divine.

And some major part of my gender is, QUINTESSENTIALLY, the depth of the longing and the yearning for these things to somehow all reunify into one…

I think the idea behind the creation myths that emphasize this split in humankind… they’re trying to explain in a poetic, post-hoc way, why human reproduction also involves such strong impulses to “unite” with our partners in physical proximity (and in the context of PiV specifically, to enter or to be entered into, and thus, to “become one flesh” as marriage (and its consummation) is referred to elsewhere in the Bible. It seems like the idea is… the longing, the yearning, the deep desire for unification with partners, in whatever ways that is experienced… that’s divine too, as is the state of being where that is not needed. And the desire, the need, for the reunification of all things human, demonic, and divine? That’s an integral part of my gender.

As I said before:

“I just want to be the type of woman that reflects the divine and the forbidden, all at once. The vast unknowable multitudes within me, translated into reality in my physical form and my words as much as is possible within this reality.

That’s my gender.”

Happy (belated) Non-binary People’s Day!

And thanks for reading all that!

If you read all the way through and have tips about gender labels I may not know which *truly* seem to capture the essence of all of this (or which allude to it), PLEASE reach out in my DMs.

If you have corrections on facts I clearly got wrong, send an Ask/Anon or a DM.

If you want to ask me questions about this, send Asks/Anons and I’ll answer publicly.