I Want To Go Back To My Home Planet

if ur gonna date me u gotta be comfortable with a lot of casual silence bc i just never fucking talk

I swing wildly between never shutting the hell up and turning into a stump

i can’t believe how many people in their mid-20s are buying the amazon alexa and like hooking it up to their home security systems and lights and phone and shit like i know we all saw the 1999 disney channel original movie smart house. they warned us and you are playing with fire

which is even funnier because she’s the reason lesbians are called lesbians. she was know as sappho of lesbos and her poems were all about her love for women

no im totally not a lesbo my super actual husband is dick allcocks from man island i’m megahet

“Not if I digest it first” is an official human motto, in close competition with “not if I pet it first”.

It is always nice to rediscover that “Not if I kill it first” actually runs in THIRD place for human impulses, not first or second.

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