will fall asleep on a moving motorcycle

Other clowns have refused to partake in the circus! They've taken their honkers and all left in the same car.

I guess he'll be running against Count Binface and whoever the Monster Raving Loony Party fields, and it'll just be a sideshow. That is until he's found guilty of not declaring the £5m gift to the party, wherein he'll have to resign, which will trigger another by-election and he can whine about being 'persecuted by the elite'.

shane's on a red carpet for some event or whatever and ilya whispers something in his ear and walks away. unbeknownst to either of them, the microphone catches just the faintest whisper of "—uffed to the headboard—" (or something else of equally freaked up nature) and shane, completely poker faced, just turns back to the slack-jawed interviewer with his usual media trained answer to whatever question he'd just been asked.

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Both Labour and the Tories have announced they won't stand a candidate against Farage in the Clacton by-election, calling it a stunt and a gimmick. The Lib Dems have called on all parties to "stand aside".

Restore Britain (a splinter far-right party) have also said they won't stand a candidate.

So far the only other candidate to confirm they'll be running is Count Binface.