Dragon Boulevard

I think some of the loneliness of autism is that you feel like you hurt people just by Interacting Wrong, but you don’t know how to Interact Right, and the more effort you put into it, the more exhausted you are and the more artificial it comes across (with the end result of people still being upset with you). and it’s not anyone’s fault for not liking Being Interacted With Wrong, and it’s not your fault for doing it so wrong, but it is very, very lonely.

anyway, every single book I write ever is going to secretly be about autism

in case this was too negative, I CAN sniff out other autistic people like an ant scenting pheromones, and I DO automatically love them right from the outset. honestly, there are some people whose autism doesn’t mesh well with mine, but the base love is still there because I know we’re alike, and I know that have shared painful experiences. so it’s not all hopeless! you just need to find other ants 🐜

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

Guy freezes his hair and it stands tall.

sound on for his adorable gremlin giggles and commentary in a lovely accent