jade

and walking away the next is

emotionally destructive.

It may be motivated by a

desire to "self protect", but

that doesn't make it okay.

Dismissive avoidant behavior

can leave lasting trauma with

their former partners.

06.26.2026

June 30, 2022 @ 9:31 PM

It’s back. The enemy I’ve tried so hard to defeat. The battle I’ve been fighting since I was thirteen. Depression.

It’s not always an uphill battle.

Sometimes I’m in a valley. The land is flat and easy to navigate. I walk on grass that is soft beneath my feet. I feel no tension or pressure, and things come easily.

Then other days I’m in the sky, floating on cloud nine surrounded by everything bright and blue. My heart is smiling, my body feels weightless.

It’s not always bad.

So if you asked me if I was happy I would probably tell you yes, most of the time, I am.

I guess compared to how things used to be, there isn’t much to be unhappy about.

At least when I’m removed from the noise.

And then, on no particular day, I wake up and the cloud I’ve been laying on is dissipating right before my eyes.

I can feel it in my body. Everything feels heavy, like I am about to sink.

Then when I hit the ground, the path I’m walking on is no longer flat and easy to navigate.

The valley opens up deep enough to swallow me whole. Storms begin, and I’m trying to climb out of this trench before I drown.

But I have no willpower. I have no strength.

And worst of all, there is no one there to help me out of it.

These are the times I’m left in tangled in thorns, and the only way for me to get out involves hurting myself. It’s inevitable. These are always the lessons that sting the worst, but teach me the most.

I feel alone in these moments. My mind is noisy, but my heart is empty.

People reach out, but I push them away.

I promise you, it’s not because of you.

Ironically, the lonelier I feel, the more I isolate myself. It doesn’t make sense, I know.

But this sadness leaves me drained. It leaves me exhausted.

Sometimes I can’t leave my bed all day.

Sometimes I can, but all I can manage is a shower. And sometimes I manage to get outside, but after 30 minutes, it feels like I haven’t slept for days. 

It’s hard for me when I get to this point. At first, I’m in denial.

I think, "I can’t be sinking again. I’ve worked so hard to be happy. I know how to be happy. My mind knows how to work properly. I’ll be okay."

But I’m not. 

No matter how much I try, no matter how long it’s been, the gears get stuck and don’t work properly.

The first symptom is hard to notice, it usually just feels like nothing.

Then I wonder why I’m so tired — and I don’t mean tired as in sleepy.

I mean tired as in my body feels heavier, my brain feels like it can’t process anything, and I could stay up all night but I don’t have the energy to do anything.

Nor do I have any interest in doing anything.

Then the hopelessness washes over me like a heavy rain that drowns my desire to do anything. I have nothing to look forward to.

Then the anger starts. The thoughts are loud like lightning striking 2 miles away from you. Cracking a whip in your ears.

Anxious. Uneasy. Doubtful of everything. Insecure. Unsteady, mentally and physically. The cashier at the gas station asks me why my hands are shaking like that whenever I reach my hand out to get my change back from her. I tell her I just have anxiety, and then she goes into a whole explanation about how I might need to get screened for Parkinson’s disease. I smile and thank her and leave.

But I’m annoyed and angry at everyone and everything for no reason. I’m on edge.

I forget how to take care of myself in times like these. I forget to eat sometimes.

I can’t focus and get restless.

I can’t even get through 20 pages of a book without getting distracted, when normally I can read 300 pages straight through.

Movies are easier. They take less work. But even then, I can’t focus much. I don’t write much. I just think.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a journal or blog post. It makes me feel unproductive, like I’m failing.

It makes me question my abilities and my future.

Yeah I might be a bitch.

Yeah I might drive you crazy.

Yeah I might argue with you and talk in circles.

Yeah I might not remember anything.

Yeah I might not have reasons for things that I do.

Yeah I might be traumatized from my past, and yeah I might take it out on you.

Yeah I might not understand you.

Yeah I might ask why, when, where and who.

Yeah I might seem like I don’t love you.

I fell asleep. I’ve been exhausted lately. I really need to get my mental health under control or something. My ADD is like unbearable, I get so overwhelmed because my brain can’t focus on one thing then it gets overloaded and shuts down so I end up doing absolutely nothing. That’s when my depression kicks in because I feel guilty for not doing normal things or doing things “correctly” and then I feel an insane amount of guilt or like I should be farther in life by now.

Sometimes you don’t know what a person is going through. I know I may have upset you by not replying but you do not understand what it feels like to be me, just as I don’t understand what it feels like to be you.

And no matter what mood I’m in, I won’t ever be mean to you or say things to hurt your feelings.

I know that everybody has their own issues, life is hard sometimes, so I would never want to bring any negativity into your life, because life already has enough negative things that it likes to throw at us.

My feelings toward social media have changed significantly in the past two years. I’m 28 now, so that means when I was 26 I completely lost any desire to be active on any social platform.

I can’t explain how I just abruptly stopped posting on everything — Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and I never gave TikTok a chance. I don’t know how to even use TikTok and I don’t really have any desire to.

Sometimes I try to figure out why I lost interest in social media. I’ve mulled over the possibilities, like maybe it’s because I’m getting older now and I’ve been active on social media since I was 12 years old.

Or perhaps in my quest to figure out how to love myself, protect my peace, and practice mindfulness — all of which I was oblivious to until two years ago — that I realized the more privacy I had in my life, the more peaceful I began to feel.

Or perhaps I discovered that making my life so accessible for anyone to see added absolutely no value to my life.

Maybe it’s a combination of all those things — and maybe I’ll be active on social media again one day, but for now, I really only desire a safe place where I can write.

Words have always been a finicky thing for me, as I’m not the most eloquent speaker. It’s difficult for me to process and convert the thoughts inside of my brain into words that come out of my mouth. Let’s just say that I’m not the most articulate speaker.

But that’s why I love to write, and why I’ve always been an avid writer. (Currently I have 643 entries in my “Notes” app on my iPhone — and 120 notes in the recently deleted folder, if that tells you anything.)

Normally I would keep a journal, but in the last year I developed psoriasis on the palm of my dominant hand. As you can imagine, having cracked open skin hinders me from writing with a pen and paper — amongst a ton of other everyday tasks (like opening a water bottle) when it flares up.

So here I am… back on Tumblr. Even after Tumblr went dark and everybody transitioned to new platforms, I always return to it due to the familiarity of it.

I am truly an introvert — being a Taurus, I am completely content in my solitude. Being self sufficient is something I can’t not do. It’s essential for me to give myself two layers of stability in my life — because one isn’t enough. As well as a sense of control over myself, my emotions, my environment, my finances, etc. This causes me to “mind my business” as I like to call it, but really I have zero friends. None at all.

My lifelong bestfriend moved to Florida and we lost touch. I miss her — but I’m happy that she got away from Indiana. I love her enough to realize that she can finally be happy now. Primarily due to putting the most distance between her and her abusive family who made her childhood hell on earth and left her traumatized. Her parents were so horrible that when we were both 15, my mom let her come live with us. We lived in public housing (the projects), but we were blessed to have a four bedroom apartment so she could have her own room. I’m so proud of the woman she has became, and although we don’t speak, I will always love her and would kill for her with no hesitation. I truly do miss her presence though.

But aside from that, I have no friends. I have an eight year old Pitbull who I consider to be my child, and as for my relationship? My significant other… well he’s in prison. And I love him all the same.

So a lot of what you’ll find here is a bunch of everything. I majored in Criminal Justice in college as an undergrad, so you’ll discover I’m passionate about the justice system and the penal system in America. More specifically, I’m intrigued with all of the ways America does “rehabilitation” completely wrong, and the injustices and lifelong consequences it has on a human being, even long after they’ve been released.

You take up all the space in my memory

If I’m not with you, you’re in my daydreams

God knows how I fell in love so fast; I'll never understand why

Wish I wasn’t so shy, or I would’ve told you when I saw you the very first time

That when you looked at me, I saw my soul inside your eyes

Was it serendipity? Finally the right time?

Falling for you was different; it was like I could fly

I’m so thankful your path crossed mine

Even if you’re gone, these memories keep our love alive

I just wanted you to know that you’re always on my mind

And while I wasn’t yours and you weren’t mine

I’ve never felt so safe with anyone else in my life

You were an enigma — the strong, silent type

Like you were “once bitten & twice shy”

You were afraid of me, for whatever reason why

Maybe someone lied to you one too many times?

Or did you make a bet with love but it dropped you on a dime?

I know it seems impossible to trust when you’ve been traumatized

But my love is different; it’s patient, it’s real, it’s kind

A life full of pain that you hide behind a smile

But I could see the hurt, it was hidden in your eyes

And I know that I can’t fix you, so I won’t ever try

Instead I’ll love you just as you are — even if you think you’re fucked up, to me you’re just fine

And I promise these things, for the rest of my life:

I’ll have your back, your front, & your side

If you’re ever too weak to stand, I’ll lend you my spine

If a war starts inside your head, I’ll give you peace of mind

If your heart ever stops beating, I’ll shock it back to life

Your wings might be broken now, but I can’t wait to see you fly

No matter the distance and no matter the time

I’ll always, always love you beyond ANY reason why

05.30.2024

When life gets hard

I get high

Smoke in my lungs

With tears in my eyes

Clouds of bad habits

Billow up at the sky

Say it’s unhealthy,

You’re probably right

But I couldn’t care,

It’s how I get by

Pain is a drug to me

I lack the ability to react emotionally

Pain is normal,

A common thing

Distorting the lines of reality

And even though I know

It may one day kill me

As lethal as it may be

I don’t ever ask it to leave

Desperation… to feel anything

I would let all the hurt, swallow me

And to explain it; there is no analogy

It’s all in my soul, you see

Nothing I could write,

Nothing you could ever read

Could make another human being

Feel just how it feels,

to feel absolutely nothing

03.17.2024

2:45 A.M.

I guess I’m dreaming,

about you

Don’t wanna see your face

But when I fall asleep

It’s something I can’t shake

The images of you

Everything I wanted us to be

What we could have been

Only exists inside my dreams

But It felt like love, I think

I guess I wanted to believe

But I was young and untouched,

Never realized I was being too naive

Your aftertaste still on my tongue,

It’s nasty, it’s bittersweet

I never knew what hindsight was

But now I see you perfectly

Everything was make believe

I fell into a love that would never be

But i still can’t help remembering

The way your voice would surround me,

Your laugh is engraved deep into my memory,

Your name is a scar branded on my skin for the world to see

And when I finally sleep

I have wild dreams

Behind my eyelids I escape my reality

and I go to a place,

Somewhere far away,

Where everything is frozen in time and space

When you and I were one in the same

But now I don’t even get to hear your name

All I hear is my voice echoing

Behind my eyelids I can see your face

But I can never get to you,

I’m always running in place

It’s a sick game to play

Then it’s over, and I am awake

You came like a plague

And I couldn’t see

All the damage that you’d do

And how permanent it would be

What are you, a man or a beast?

Sick in the head — depravity

Looking at me like a piece of meat

Something to hunt, something to eat

You crawled into my sheets

Slept next to me

What I thought was love was insanity

I never thought you were a thief

You walked right out with everything

My body, my soul, my sanity

You took things that are not yours to keep

And now my existence is only the ghost of me

She paces constantly, and sometimes I hear her sing

She haunts me when I’m awake,

And wakes me when I’m asleep

12.11.2023

5:47 A.M.

People tell me to stay away from you

I tell them to fuck off

“Tatt my name on you so I know it’s real”

& that’s what I plan to do

And we already got matching mugshots

I was just naked in your bed, I miss you

How’d we end up so far apart?

The mirror beside us was my favorite thing to watch

The last time we had sex, you were asleep in my car

You were mad at me, so I let you doze off

Two hours later, I leaned over & kissed your neck real soft

Like “hey wake up, I want you to take my panties off”

10.26.2023

I don't think like I used to

Love was never my friend

Isolation was an answer

Losing my mind, I guess

Hijacked, robbed of my control

Empty mind, you can knock, nobodys home

Learned you quickly, I hated to see you go

You gave me a love I have never known

You are tangled into my soul

With you I’m safe, your arms feel like home

What I hate the most is you’re really gone

So my heart is locked up & you have the master key

Which means until they let you go, I’ll never be free

And sometimes your absence haunts me

Feels like I’m coming apart at the seams

A little dramatic? Maybe

But I can’t help what you do to me

Fuck being sad, I feel incomplete

Tell me how to stay alive with half a heartbeat

So many miles and hours left to see

Far apart, years between

The ones I love the most I never get to keep

Promise me one thing

When you come back

Please don’t ever leave

10.02.2023

3:07 A.M.

People say stay away from you

& I tell them to fuck off

Let them talk & let them judge

I’m a fool for your love & irs just the two of us

Take a chance roll the dice,

Life ain’t fair & love don’t play nice

But me and you, you & I

As long as I got your heart, you can have mine

Space & distance don’t factor in

And I forgot about all the time you gotta spend

Away from me — locks & bars & keys

Miles apart but I still know your heartbeat

Think of me instead of the concrete

Go to sleep, sweet dreams

And when the sun comes up again, you’ll be one day closer to me

10.02.2023

1:56 A.M.

I miss you more than you know

It’s probably bad for my health

But you know like I know

We just gotta play the hand that we’re dealt

And if that means we can’t be

Together, right now or even forever

At least I still see your face in my dreams

And all of our memories, I’ll keep

The hands on a clock don’t stop, don’t rewind

But I want to go back, when you were mine

You’re gone but I don’t understand why

I’m falling apart, why do you seem just fine?

All I see is us in my mind

You ripped the sun from my sky

And when you leave me like this

There really ain’t no sunshine

Asking God if I could just go back

To the exact moment in time

To the night that I met you

I knew the stars had aligned

—

We could have made it, right?

Does it keep you up at night?

Does it make you wonder?

Does it eat you alive?

Have to tell myself lie after lie

Or I’d end up going out my mind

And I know it’s not my fault,

But I should’ve kept you inside

Cant no motherfucking body say that I didn’t try

I would’ve laid down and died

Pathetic but fuck it

You were my entire life

God only knows how much of my soul went with you

I’m just a ghost you left behind

And maybe we coulda been fine

Maybe not, but I wonder all the time

And ain’t it Fucked up how only now you realize

My love for you was more than alive

Took for granted, Jesus Christ

Now all you can do is sit and watch it die

No closure, nothing

You can’t even say goodbye

Then all of a sudden

Everything is 20/20

Like damn, I should have seen it coming

Hindsight

09.20.2023

2:18 A.M.

It never comes quite at the right time

When it finally does, you don’t get to keep it

It gets you so high, but it’s fleeting

You’ll be on the floor begging “don’t leave me”

Like a drug you crave it, scratching & feigning

But that never really stops it from leaving

It leaves you broken & bleeding

It looks so ugly but it’s taste is the sweetest

Makes fools of once logical people

A war between good and evil

Love, what a beautiful demon

09.17.2023

4:40 A.M.

In the dead of night, usually around 3AM

My head is spinning with thoughts of everything we did

And all of the words I wish I could’ve said — but I didn’t

Then feel like I can’t breathe, the guilt sinks too far in

I wish I could just ask you,

What could I have done to make you stay?

I thought I could change your fate

But the debt was just too much to pay

And as much as I hate to say

It’s just a little too long, I tried to wait

All of these years

Now it’s just too late

08.09.2023

Tried to tell you when you leave imma be lost

Well here I am just like I said, staring at a fucking wall

I told you that you’d be gone

My mind is wandering & I have nobody to call

Soon I’ll just be numb to everything & I hope I never care at all

I did this to myself tho, I knew I was gonna break my own heart

You said you’d catch me if I fall

How could you give me everything I ever wanted

Just to turn around and let them take it all

Try to take it day by day, you tell me to stay strong

But I’m not as strong as you think I am, and just like my tears I fall

I don’t know anymore, I just sit where you once were and wonder where you are

I’ll never not think of you, and I’m always hoping that you call

08.28.2023

2:43 P.M.

when the world seems more like a dream & completely unreal

most days I’d do anything not to feel

let’s get high & drink, smoke, pop pills

i probably won’t ever stop, it’s my only thrill

feel better for awhile & tell myself to chill

it’s just bandaid over a bullet hole, this shit will never really heal

08.28.2023

2:31 A.M.