Remember To Write

I couldn't breathe well, you were sleeping.

I'm probably not better at all.

I'm sitting next to this girl that I think is really cute. We are under the same blanket, and our feet keep bumping.

She is kind of the awkward type, but it's more endearing than annoying. She looks over at me a lot, doesn't say anything, and will often make my gaze.

What is she thinking? Is she attracted to me too? What are "straight" woman thinking when they are near me, when they are starring, or when we bump one another on accident.

The heart break was brutal to say the least. Still convinced that I would have died, had i not pulled myself together. I was being wreckless with my body, regressing into my old ways, fucking who I wanted, and even some that I didnt. I drank, did drugs. It was dark inside of my mind for a while.

I used so many people to try and make myself feel better. It was almost like a sad teen tragedy that they show on Mtv or whatever. I cant laugh at the pain, but i can look bad and roll my eyes at my behavior. It really wasnt even that long ago. I was still all about the theatrics when I met my current lover. Maybe i'll go into that on a different day.

I remember how crazy and irrational I would get when you wanted space and alone time..

I remember how I felt.. it was like a fire of sorts under my skin.. because I needed you to survive the night, or so I thought..

And now.. looking back. I think of the first few weeks without you, I thought I was dying. I had never experienced such a pain before.. and thinking of it, can still bring me to tears, like a phantom pain.

I keep thinking of different things that I want to write about. But when it comes down to actually sitting down and typing it up, i’m either too lazy or don’t have the will to do it anymore. The truth is, there is a lot that i’m not actually saying. Even in previous journal entries i haven’t been completely honest.

For example, sometimes i will omit some parts of the story, or even come up with a blatant lie to cover up the truth. Did i already write about this sort of thing previously.. If i have it’s only because i’ve been dwelling on it for a while. I’d like to be able to not be afraid of what i’m saying, or be afraid of the things that have happened. I’m not sure if it’s really fear. I mean, who is actually going to see all this stuff anyway, it’s only meant for me.

I had started a blog about three months ago, right after the big break up. I was journaling a lot at that time to try and make sense of all the fucked up feelings inside my head. Looking back on all of it, i can still feel that intense heartbreak. I truly thought that it was going to kill me. I wasn’t eating, and when i did eat i would throw it up. This went on for weeks. I even convinced myself that i was pregnant because of the “morning sickness” and insane mood swings that i had been experiencing. No joke, i must’ve taken about 4 pregnancy tests in a matter of a month. I had also developed what i can only imagine was anxiety. This unexplainable need to run, get out, leave. For no reason at all. I had never had that feeling before. For the most part it’s gone away, but every once in awhile it’ll pop in to fuck up my day. Especially around my period.

When we first broke up I surrounded myself with a fairly decent support group, consisting of a few friends, my mom, and Noah of course. I started going out, working out, and just keeping myself busy by any means necessary. Slowly but surely I started to be able to breathe again.

I started appreciating my own company. My mom described it as “going back to basics.”

That’s exactly what it felt like, too. Learning and remembering who i was without her by my side. I hadn’t needed to do anything on my own for over 3 years! I slept with her every night, went to the store with her, dinners, meal preps, family gatherings… everything! It was always together. Then all of a sudden, poof, i was alone again. It crippled me. I never knew a pain like that existed, and i never want to go back to that feeling ever again. All the while i kept trying to rationalize it with the “what could i have done differently?” and “if only i would’ve done______.”

But, that’s not how it works, and i finally stopped blaming myself for something that was inevitable. Something, in fact- that i would eventually learn to accept and appreciate. But the road to getting there wasn’t the easiest, nor a road that i would ever hope to travel on again. I’m still on it actually. I’ll be on it for a long time i’m sure. My road to self discovery and self acceptance.

I feel like every day is completely different. One day I might be feeling good and positive about what's going on, and then the next day I feel as though my heart is going to explode in my chest. Today, my heart wont stop pounding. I'm hurting for some reason. I can say whatever I want, but I keep lying to myself. She is looking at this as a way to rebrand ourselves and become more self sufficient, which, i'm all for. I just wish I knew what the end result would be. Will we end up back together? I feel like if I don't know soon I'm going to just fall apart completely. But if she decides to just go her separate way I'd fall apart anyway.. So maybe ignorance is bliss for the time being.

Interestingly enough we have been in a bit more contact the last few days. But she still seems so far away. Uninterested. Like the only reason why se even talks to me is out of pity and guilt that she hurt me so bad. She did suggest that we go out for dinner, but she hasn't set up a date yet, so I'm impatiently waiting on her to decide on that. I'm still trying to keep myself busy, and it's still not very easy to do. Having friends is hard work. And I'm exhausted enough as it is..

To top it off, I feel the people that I do have in my life, with the exception of a small few, have ulterior motives. It starts off sweet and simple, how ya doin, how ya been, we should hang out- and then bam! they're trying to feel me up! Now, don't get me wrong, the past me would've been as promiscuous as possible to try and get over the current heartbreak (maybe that's why it was so easily masked before) but the me now is repulsed by the idea of being with anyone else other than her. 

I'm tired of waiting..

The making of you

"The universe had to fall apart into dust for it t become its majestic, incredible, infinite self. What makes you think this breaking, this trauma, this destruction, wont be the making of a more powerful you too?"

- Nikita Gill

Maybe it's true, and maybe I will become a stronger person because of all this pain, I just don't see it happening in the foreseeable future. I cant shake the feeling that she messed up bad! That se is going to regret this decision very soon. 

Although I still miss her every second of every moment, I realize that I need to let myself start healing. Hanging on to the idea that MAYBE, one day she might open up her pretty green eyes and realize I'm the person she wants to be with is doing more harm to me than good. I need to let go, and let us die.  She made this decision, and as much as I don't like it or agree with it, there is nothing I can do but than to accept it.

I know that some days will be easier than others, and the phrase, "it comes in waves" is even more accurate than I originally thought it to be.

I will get through this, and one day.. just maybe, I might be able to let someone in again. For now, I will be selfish, figure out who I am without her, spend time with good people, and for once- just try and enjoy the single life.

_____________________________________________________________

I can' hold onto her. I shouldn't reach out to her. I've had enough rejection, I don't need any more from her. She made her decision. I'm not who she wants. I'm not who she needs.

I'm weak, I caved. I reached out to her even though I've been telling myself for days to remain strong. But I wasn't being true to myself. I'm not strong, and I miss her. I miss my best friend.. I miss being able to text her about what's going on throughout the day, and what stupid or annoying things clients say throughout the day. I've tried reaching out to old friends to keep myself busy- but its not the same. Despite all of the heartache, it has been nice to have people to talk to about all of this craziness. Old friends reminiscing on their past heartbreaks, and for a couple of them, current heartbreaks. Its refreshing to know what I'm not alone in all of this. I appreciate that everyone has welcomed me back into their lives without hesitation, even though I've been nothing short of a terrible friend over the last few years. In fact, I've seen and spoken with more people in the last two weeks than I had in the last 3 years of our relationship..

"You can't heal in the same environment where you got sick."

This is the first time that I've picked up a pen since she shattered my heart into a million microscopic pieces. I am still partially in denial, partially pissed off, and partially sure she is going to call me up at any moment to confess what a big mistake she's made and take me back. But I know that last part isn't true. The truth is, that I'm alone, and she doesn't want me anymore.

I'm still in utter shock.. How could I have been so in love, and her be so distant and gone? Did I miss something? I feel as though I was clinging onto her so tight for so long, just begging her to stay, that when she finally left, she took a piece of me with her on the way. Now I wonder.. will I ever get that piece of myself back? Will I ever find a way to work through this, and love as purely as I loved her? No, maybe not, maybe I wont want to. After all, what has it even left me with. Now all I have are 3 years worth of beautiful memories and love making, a bedroom full of pictures, a closet full of dresses that she hand picked for me, and a heart full of anguish and heart break.

To top this whole thing off, it wasn't supposed to be weird. we were supposed to stay friends, but instead its been 4 days of complete silence. I don't know were she is, who she is with, or how she is dealing with all of this. I have dreamt of here every single night. is she dreaming of me too, or missing me at all? I know its easier for her, as she is the one that pulled the trigger. She believes in her decision. Her decision for space, and to work on herself apart from us. She said she felt like she was drowning, suffocating- because she had lost herself, and here was no way that she could work on herself while being with me. I wonder if she was just too far gone to love me. Maybe it wasn't me at all but something deeper within herself that I was unable to reach. It could've all just as well been bullshit. At this point, bullshit or not it wouldn't matter, I'm already too far gone in my own depression and self pity.