Screaming into the void

Bitch, stop acting like you knew what Monty's plans for RWBY were. People like you and Shane are the reason this whole "Monty's vision" shit exists. Fuck you.

Monty very much so had a vision, I don’t know why you keep trying to discredit the creator like this. He would take Shane and I to a late night Thai spot way past work hours where we’d all equally discuss aspects of the show, and even things beyond that (such as leaving.)

The boys would talk about what scripts they needed to solve for Poser and Maya, sometimes ping-ponging ideas for fights and weapons back and forth while I ate chicken skewers with peanut sauce, focused on listening. Sometimes I’d chime in with relevant knowledge about a type of weapon, or a dance, or mythos that might serve to support their ideas, and the three of us would continue brainstorming from there. My ears didn’t stop working just because I wasn’t speaking.

The thing that has been a thorn in my side is people like you behaving like simply sharing my truth—the real events I experienced—is somehow an affront to you or anyone else. You’re just going to have to come to terms with the fact that what I have to say upsets whatever delusions you have, and that requires some reflective introspection for you to solve.

The rwby stans who use Monty's tweet "Dont insult my friends" to shut down criticism of Rwby, Miles and Kerry, and RT. Using a dead man's words to posthumously shame anyone for daring to think their precious show is not perfect because you're being so mean to Monty's friends! How dare you! They're trying their best to continue his legacy!

I always think "if the people in Crwby and RT were really Monty's friends, why didnt they stand by Sheena when she was being forced out of production? Why didn't they defend her when those nasty rumors spread that she killed her husband with cat allergies?"

The only person who was openly on her side was Shane and he was demonized as well by RT and the fandom as a a whole. Calling them both hysterical and irrational because of their grief. (How rich of RT not escaping the sexism allegations calling Sheena the hysterical wife)

Why didn't you mention that Shane's letter doesn't call out the writing team at all and only mentioned Miles once in passing?

Why didn't you mention that of the numerous people who have left RT, not one has pointed fingers at either of the original writers?

Why didn't you include people like Miles and Kerry when calling RT's workplace abuses despite the fact we have evidence that they were being crunched as well?

Why don't you want to either mention these two pieces of context or include ALL the abused employees?

The rwby stans who use Monty's tweet "Dont insult my friends" to shut down criticism of Rwby, Miles and Kerry, and RT. Using a dead man's words to posthumously shame anyone for daring to think their precious show is not perfect because you're being so mean to Monty's friends! How dare you! They're trying their best to continue his legacy!

I always think "if the people in Crwby and RT were really Monty's friends, why didnt they stand by Sheena when she was being forced out of production? Why didn't they defend her when those nasty rumors spread that she killed her husband with cat allergies?"

The only person who was openly on her side was Shane and he was demonized as well by RT and the fandom as a a whole. Calling them both hysterical and irrational because of their grief. (How rich of RT not escaping the sexism allegations calling Sheena the hysterical wife)

I have written, deleted, rewritten and trashed so many attempts. Every time I think I’m done I question the purpose behind what I’ve composed, and hate it even more.

I’ve felt defined by things and people who should not have any control over me. I have spent years feeling like there were boots on my throat, a silent threat in case I try to find my voice.

I used to wonder what I had ever done to deserve this treatment, why I had been chased out, threatened and abandoned. I’ve lost so much of who I used to be, so why in the world was the retaliation so aggressive on top of that?

For years, I tried to put myself in each and every one of these shoes; the ones who threatened me, the ones who abandoned me, the ones who tried to steal. And I tried so, so hard to understand why they were wielding such cruelty. I’d made sure not to do anything to set anyone off. I was already too self-conscious, self-analyzing every interaction for what I could do better, if there was a way to stop the harassment. So what could the reason be?

I gave grace to those undeserving. I gave empathy to those who kicked me when I was down. I gave patience to those who were trying to manipulate me. But I cannot forget the first time I saw one of them actually—and literally—turn tail and run away from me.

Me, the tiny woman who gets shoved around and stepped on regularly because she doesn’t deserve respect. The stupid little cosplayer who doesn’t do anything other than look pretty for pictures. The woman everyone chalks up to being just a hysterical widow because it’s an easy way to silence her.

That’s who they ran from.

So I thought about that. I thought about that a lot. Perhaps the internal narrative was worse than I originally understood. I stopped receiving replies, becoming more and more isolated and alone. Maybe people really did believe I was a monster, as the guy who turned red in the face would remind them all if someone dared to speak my name. Why should my name garner such a passionate, albeit hateful, response? Just my name?

Now, I like to think, every day when I wake up, that I am holding a fusion bomb on my tongue, and they don’t know when or if it will ever drop. There’s a new excitement in embracing this view of thinking, of taking back control over the story of my life. I’m tired of other people putting words in my mouth, or of the departed’s.

More often than not, accusations that are tossed around easily tend to be a flimsy projection by the person throwing them. It was not me who was trying to take control. It was not me tanking team morale. It was not me self-inserting characters.

But it’s so easy to shift the blame and redirect the attention, the scrutiny and suspicion in the wake of tragedy, isn’t it?

It’s such a simple thing to reshape a broken woman into your scapegoat, so how could you resist?

All of this to say, no; I’m not gonna just spill everything. I want to continue holding on to the rope for the guillotine, because they deserve to eat the anxiety that comes with anticipation for every meal. I did not spend the last ten years protecting my work in silence from greedy and grubby hands just to give away pieces of myself to satisfy some childish online disputes.

Of course I know the untold story; who do you think was helping to write it? It was not mine to tell, but along the journey I took to protect it, a tale of my own has unfolded. It’s all intertwined, I just need more time.

Thanks for reading.