The Adventures of Todd and Granny
(Alternatively: βI Saw Granny Ethel with the Devilβ)
Part I | Part II | Part IIIΒ | Part IVΒ | Part V
Todd the demon is a he, now, if only because Granny Ethel insists upon using copious βDear boy, keep tryingβ and βAtta boy!β critiques to varying degrees depending on how well his needlework, crochet, and knitting attempts progress.
Gender isnβt a concept the demon concerned himself with before. If Todd had been, say, a girl named Tonya, he supposes heβd be a she instead. If Todd had been gender-neutral and properly communicated with his grandmother, he supposes she would call him they or child, appropriately. Granny Ethel isnβt one to discriminate. Even when she properly wears her glasses and sees his obviously un-Todd-like appearance, only shaking her head and smiling with a good-natured βkids these daysβ on her lips. But he wouldnβt mind if Granny Ethel called him boy, girl, thing, or abomination, so long as she stayed happy.
Granny Ethel is a patient woman. Todd simply canβt understand why or how sheβd become the black sheep of her family, especially after a full week of living with her hospitality. Through the constant baked goods and the modest but satisfying three-meals-a-day; the careful (oh-so-careful) dusting of trinkets and bookshelves with tiny cloths and feather dusters not fit for large claws, which he insists upon doing while she looks on in worry before brewing more coffee; the midday television re-run breaks spent sealing cash donations into envelopes and discussing human rights issues instead of watching old shows, he simply canβt think of her as anything but a paragon of her kind.
Itβs a problem with them, he concludes. Not her.
It isnβt a decision he makes lightly.
Spending such a brief time with her, heβs already learned so much more about humans than he ever would have cared to know, beyond perceiving them as vessels or a means to an end. There is much suffering in the worldβsometimes even more than that in Hellβbut there is also kindness.
Heβs known that, but he witnesses it first hand during their first trip outside of Granny Ethelβs home.
βCome, now, Todd, we have much shopping to do. Iβm afraid my pantry isnβt stocked appropriately for the upcoming food donation drive and I canβt just skip it this month.β
Todd remembers addressing an envelope to the local food bankβmost people would stop there, figuring their good deed was done.
βI also have to stock up on this weekβs groceries. Feel free to buy whatever you want, dear. I can cook anything, you know! At least, I try. I suppose youβd like some snacks, too. But I am so glad youβre here; think of all the bags we can carry between the two of us!β
There is no car in Granny Ethelβs driveway, or a garage to store it. He wonders how theyβre going to make it to the grocery store as he waits for her to lock the door behind them, as she hobbles down the two small concrete steps with her cane in hand.
It isnβt until sheβs halfway down the sidewalk that he realizes theyβre walking. In public.
An old crone in black and a demon at her side, wearing a handmade shawl so lovingly stitched with various, terrifying occult symbols.
He isnβt the only one who sees a problem with thisβthe neighborβs dog, a small, bug-eyed thing, yaps indignantly at them from the front lawn as it bounces around the dewy grass at its ownerβs feet, soon erupting in warning yowls and howls, before falling silent mid-yip when Todd locks eyes with it. The neighborβMaurice, if he remembers Granny Ethelβs gossip correctlyβstands frozen, watering can dangling limp from his hand as he overwaters the begonias at his feet, mouth hanging open in undignified disbelief.
βGood morning, Maurice!β Granny Ethel calls with unmitigated cheer, and a hint of pride. βNice morning, isnβt it? Oh! Have you met my wonderful grandson Todd? He finally came to visit! Weβre going shopping now. Will you watch my house?β
Maurice simply stares, dumb with shock.
Halfway down the block, another neighborβs car brakes with a squeal before they make it out of the driveway and they stick their head out of the window to gape.
Shutters crack open. Curtains are shoved aside.
Before Todd knows it, they are the cul-de-sacβs center of attention.
Granny Ethel doesnβt pay it any mind and continues obliviously on, waving to each face in turn as those faces pale, yet hers remains rosy.
βMy, such a busy day today. I havenβt seen everyone out like this since the Fourth of July block party. Oh, if youβre still here during summer, Todd, we should definitely take part. Maybe we should start knitting an American flag for the occasion. What do you think?β
They make it to the grocery store without incidentβaside from the broken fire hydrant caused by a distracted driver and the one, single person who ran away screaming, and the handful that crossed themselves, and the one person bold enough to snap a picture with their phone before Todd grabbed it from their hands and threw it while Granny Ethel wasnβt looking, too distracted with how well the cityβs roadside flowers were bloomingβand Todd, ever the gentledemon, takes a small shopping cart from its line and trails behind Granny Ethel as she consults the list taken from her purse.
As expected, those within the store stop and stare. Even the calming elevator music jolts to a pause.
A young man in an employee vest, who looks high, shoots Todd the demon-horn hand sign and smiles before swaggering away to the frozen food aisle, and the manager meekly approaches them, skirting around a fresh fruit display.
βMaβam, is thereβis there something I canβdo you need help?β he asks, sweating from his receding hairline to his neck as he tugs at his collar and straightens his frumpy tie.
βOh! Iβm so glad you asked. I didnβt see any sales circulars by the doorβwhat kind of specials are on right now? Particularly on things like pizzas and cereals and whatever else young men like to eat.β Granny Ethel leans in close to the man, close enough to loudly whisper, βSee, my grandson here is a quiet, shy boy despite his appearance, and I donβt think heβd ask me himself, but I bet heβd love to get some junk food to snack on between meals.β
The managerβs eyes widen, blood-shot, as he looks to Todd, who only smilesβwhich comes off as terrifying, heβs certain, with all the sharp teeth and red eyes involved.
βS-SURE! Junk food. Right. Umβuh, w-well, I think thereβs a BOGOβbuy one get one freeβdeal on the frozen pizzas. Uhβ¦most cereals are marked down right nowβ¦th-thereβs a sale on potato chipsβ¦hot dogsβ¦β His voice trails off, too burdened with trembles and fear as he continues to hold Toddβs gaze. βAndβyou know, Iβm sure some other employee can help you, maβam. Iβm not one anymore as of this moment. I QUIT.β That said, he yanks the flimsy plastic nametag from his shirt and runs for the door, followed by half of the shoppers who abandon their carts and drop their baskets, scattering groceries everywhere.
Granny Ethel watches him go, then sighs. βHe must have been overworked and stressed. I almost walked out on a job a long time ago for the same reasons, but I needed it. You be careful of corporate America, Todd.β
He takes her words to heart, and he fully agrees.
Shoppers that remain in the grocery mart avoid them at all costs as they meander through the frozen food section, the bread aisle, the junk food cornerβand Granny Ethel pays them no mind, filling the cart to the brim with refills of groceries she needs back at home and treats she thinks Todd needs more of in his life. He supposes he does, if she says he does. Far be it from him to contradict her adolescent-savvy wisdom.
Even so, the single shopping cart is far too small for all of the spoilsβhalfway through the shopping list, he finds them in need of another. It isnβt an issue. Many are left scattered, abandoned, around almost every corner. By the end of the list, both carts are full to the brim, and Granny Ethel is simply beaming.
The checkout lines are desertedβthey have their pick. Although only one station is manned by a clerk, and it greatly narrows their choice.
As Todd wheels the two shopping carts to the register, he recognizes the young employee from before, who once again shoots him the demon-horn hand symbol.
βLove your poncho, dude,β Sam (as his nametag reads) comments with a bit of a tired drawl, and there are dark shadows under his eyes as expected from an overworked youth on minimum wage, but he is otherwise energetic, quickly scanning each of the items set on the conveyor belt, and smiling at demon and old woman in turn. βDid the little lady here knit that for you?β
βCrocheted!β Granny Ethel corrects with a grin, preening like a proud parakeet. βIt does suit him, doesnβt it? Of course, I would never make something that didnβt suit my dear grandson. He must always be well-dressed.β
βYou seem like a really supportive gramma. Thatβs cool. When I was in my super hardcore death metal phase, mine just dragged me to church every Sunday.β A digital beep accompanies nearly every word as he skillfully rings up each grocery down the line.
βOh, I would never do that. Mainly because I no longer belong to a church. And also because Todd seems so averse to discussing Bible passages, so I never force him.β
At this, Todd gives a wry smile. He places the final handful of groceries onto the conveyor belt and sidles around Granny to the other side of the checkout, bagging the groceries that have already been scanned. It seems the official bag boy has fled in fright.
βI can imagine. Never one for religion, myself. Oh, and youβre eligible for the senior citizenβs discount, so let me justβ¦β Sam pauses a moment to key in a code on the register and it dings. βAaand, there. Your total comes out to $204.56. Stocking up for the winter already? Itβs only March.β
βOh, dear, no. Half of this is for the food drive!β Granny Ethel chuckles good-naturedly as she leans her cane against the counter and digs through her small pocketbook and produces a checkbook, then dives back in to search for her favorite pen.
Sam turns to Todd while awaiting payment. βBy the way, dude, that costume is killer. Iβve never seen anything so realistic, with the added bonus that you scared the boss away! Totally made my day. My week, even.β
Todd gives a nod, happy to be of service, even if it isnβt a costume. He canβt exactly say it aloud. Perhaps one day heβll learn how to speak English coherently, but for now nonverbal cues work just fine.
Finally, Granny Ethel finds her pink, plastic jewel-encrusted ballpoint pen and makes out a check to DeVille-Mart, even going so far as to take one of the heavier paper bags for herself, never one to make Todd carry all of the groceries himself. βYou have a wonderful day, young man. Thank you.β
βYβall have a great day, too, Maβam.β Sam offers a toothy smile, and it seems sincere enough as he sees them off with a lazy wave βHope to be seeing you shop here again.β
Todd isnβt so sure theyβll ever return once upper management hears about this visit, but itβs nice to know they are accepted by at least one individual.
βNow, Todd, letβs get to the food bank. We have such a long day ahead of us. But thereβs a reward at the end of itβI bought ingredients specifically for chocolate turtle brownies!β
If the visit to the food bank is in any way similar to this excursionβand it will be, he decides, as yet another gawking driverβs car slow-collides with the corner vending machine when they pass through the automatic doorsβthey have a long day ahead of them, indeed.
