Just trying to make it to Friday, buddy

um. cut him in half

hot dog or hamburger style, boss

Man no one even remembers laptop in bed. It was laptop in bed for years. Now it's just phone in bed. Maybe tablet. But usually phone. So much has changed

I’m ready to be transformed by the ibuprofen . I’m ready to be born again in its purifying light.

I will let u in on a lil secret. i cannot accept the fact that i exist

Track 2, Elizabeth Taylor, is for Ready For It stans

I wasnt wrong

Maybe if I just work harder, this empty cup will pour again

Maybe the cup needs a bit of time to rest and refill?

Maybe the cup needs to lock the fuck in???

one time at a funeral i panicked and said the first drink i could think of and the bartender made me the pina colada With all the fixings all the trims all the bells and whistles i didnt even ask imagine youre at a funeral and the person besides you is drinking a pina colada with whip cream as tall as the drink with a cherry and an umbrella, thats what happened to me

oh, no, you misunderstand me. those were my monkeys. yeah the circus and i have since parted ways. yeah it was the elephant thing, i dont really want to address that right now though

tumblr should add a "what the fuck are you talking about" button alongside reply, like, and reblog. you click the what the fuck are you talking about button when op is on some discourse they brought back from another reality that no one on this earth has ever heard of. and if a post gets more what the fuck are you talking abouts than reblogs op gets muted for 12 hours

u can be boiling alive in your mind for months and then on a random tuesday ur head gets so clear and life is worth living again and you're like damn what was all that about then

hot take but i think cars should be required to have communication radios just like big semi trucks. we should all be able to talk to each other on the road. not bc this would help in any way but because i want it to sound like a counterstrike lobby every time i drive somewgere

when you are eating chips you will often be like well how about one more chip? and then you will eat one more chip and be like well how about one more chip? and what do you think happens after that?

The water fountain when you’re thirsty af is definitely a top 5 place to publicly debase yourself

The longer I live the more I realize I just wanna be well fed and bottom nude all the time

"i've got no qualms about it" meanwhile i'm over here making qualm chowder