Gotemforthalow

I was thinking today about how harmful it is to grow up with undiagnosed ADHD while also being a responsible, rational person (like most of us are). like, it’s obviously hard when you keep getting feedback from parents, teachers, coaches, etc. on how you “should be doing better”. but it was so hard, my whole childhood, to also look into myself and think internally “yes, I should be doing better. why am I not doing better?” and having no answer.

like, the absolute gut-wrenching trauma of being in the principal’s office or at the dinner table, being told I should have done this and that, and I’m sitting there in tears saying “I know”. and because the adults in my life didn’t have ADHD, hearing me agree and even preempt their criticism with criticism of my own, they came to the conclusion I must either be lazy or lying. how can a person know exactly what they should be doing and still not do it? obviously, they either chose not to do it, knowing the consequences, and are just “acting up”, or they are lying after the fact, pretending they knew what they should have done. either way, I was a “bad kid”. I beat myself bloody trying to conform to outward expectations, and I still walked away with the label of “rebellious” and “troublemaker”. labels I had to agree with, based on the evidence.

it fucked me up. how many times did I look inside myself wondering desperately “why can’t I do this? why do I know it needs to be done and I’m still not doing it?”. for a lot of years, I was convinced I was evil (catholic upbringing, bear with me). I felt like I was sharing my skin with a traitor. I felt like nothing in the world could possibly ever be improved by me or controlled by me. I felt I couldn’t rely on myself. I doubted my own opinion of my value, my needs, my comfort, my priorities. I got better at anticipating the desires of other people and completely lost touch with myself. because what good is it to listen to me? I am a liar.

I’m always the problem, always the one fucking up, always the one that doesn’t do what I should. my intentions and my actions are so far removed from one another that sometimes I might as well be a stranger to myself. disassociating was a survival tactic. it was so hard to feel centered in my body, present in my life, responsible for any of my choices.