dark academic

you hold my head. you hold my heart. you blaze my soul. you wreck my arms. i sit here and ponder. would you ever have known what was to come? would you ever have sensed the tempest charging through me? would you have stayed? would you have seen through the guise of my being alright? i think back and say no. sometimes, i hope yes. i hate it though. the thought that you loved me hurts. hurts because you thought you did, and then you didn’t. while every cell in me burned and blazed and bruised for you until i wasn’t anything. until i was creaking and cold and rusty from the absence that was you.

burning tears, edom in my head, spiralling galaxies and fish eye dreams- this is what you’ve done to me. you’re slithering around my heart like a caged animal: a bereaved basilisk; vindictive and vulturous and i don’t know whether to crown you or put you down like an old farm dog. yet here i stand in the ghost of your shadows, like a little girl hiding behind her mother’s skirts, yearning to go home (a place i never had)

your eyes are my religion, their harsh depths a soft prayer whispered in the dead of the night; their darkened colour spilling upon me a divine light, your name enveloping me in shroud of utter devotion; a stout believer till the end of my days on this minuscule earth.

death is like a shadow of sorts. sometimes, it’ll just brush past you and sometimes it can consume you and overwhelm you to the point where the only thing you know is death. death isn’t merciful. death is always trying to catch upto you and you’re almost always running away from it.

it’s like you want the world to come to a stand still because suddenly your life has just completely fucked up and changed and you need someone to fucking acknowledge that except the world just keeps moving. people keep going about their lives after asking you how you are and they never actually slow down and try and understand you. the sun keeps rising and setting and cars keep moving but you can’t because you have no will left. and every fucking thing reminds you of them. and you just wish it was you not them. and everyone will tell you to be happy that they’ve found a better place to go to but you don’t really know that and so you’re just lost and angry and worried about them and you just don’t know anything anymore.