good skin day.

I DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS ANYMORE (2022). i can't believe my neck used to be so smooth and clear 😮‍💨

A close friend of mine is getting married this year and I'm one of her bridesmaids. She asked me to send her a selfie for the wedding website and while going through my phone, i had to laugh because I literally had ZERO photos of myself from last year (other than the photos documenting my worsening skin)! I chose to send her a photo of me from two years ago... I felt kinda weird about it because is that dishonest? Should I have sent her a selfie of what I look now? The crustier, flakier version of me? Manifesting that I'll feel better by the time her wedding rolls around...

I took my first dose of Dupixent on Tuesday January 9, 2024. I was hesitant to try it after seeing all the side effects, eye issues, fungal rash, face and neck eczema (where I already have it), but I'm at the point where I have been trying to heal this naturally for years and I've hit rock bottom. It's time for some stronger interventions. I was also put on an antibiotic for an infection, probably staph overgrowth, which BY THE WAY I tried to get a swab culture from Urgent Care MONTHS ago but they refused. My dermatologist prescribed it in like 2 seconds without even swabbing. -_-

I asked the derm if he thinks this is TSW, but he gave me the expected response, "Ehhh... there's not enough research to back up if this is from steroids or if its just worsening eczema." I just smiled because I knew he would say something like that and I can't be mad at him. One positive thing is that although my dermatologist isn't the most warm and doesn't acknowledge TSW, he HAS been able to squeeze me in for last minute appointments, he gave me a doctor's note to excuse me from work for 2 weeks, and has never pushed steroids on me (he knows I'm not a fan). At this point I'll take what I can get! lol Most of the time I have to wait 4 months before I can see any doctor!

I've been at home recovering for the last 4 days, and I finally felt good enough to take some pictures of myself. I'm past the oozing crusting stage of this flare, thankfully.

i think i'm officially going through TSW. i'm scared. i don't know what to do. I'm supposed to meet with my nutritionist tonight and my derm tomorrow and am on the fence about taking dupixent. i don't think i can keep living like this. will i keep my job? do i need to move back home? what am i going to do?

documenting this to help me get through what feels like hell.

It was my friend’s birthday party today. I was originally going to stay home because of my recent flare and I didn’t want to be in an environment with alcohol. But I was feeling a bit better and I didn’t want to stay home. I’ve been trying to focus less on my appearance and on how others perceive me and instead on who I am as a person. Most of the time, my eczema makes me feel ugly, embarrassed and I want to hide. I don’t want to do that anymore and more importantly I wanted to show up for my friend, even though I wasn’t feeling 100%. 

 At the party I met someone else who also had eczema and we bonded over our shared experiences. We were laughing about how it disturbs our sleep and how itchy it is, all of that. It was cool to just talk about it openly and normalize our experiences. But then, a girl was overhearing our convo and decided to interject saying, “That isn’t something to be proud of though…” 😐 

I had a little teaching moment with her and said that it IS something to be proud of because eczema is something we deal with everyday. it’s on our skin and it affects us mentally and physically… why not take something negative and turn it into something we are proud of? 

Upon reflecting it made me feel kind of sad because her mindset is something that I am actively trying to move away from. I’m constantly trying to remind myself of my worth and my “beauty” with this illness. I don’t want to care what people think of me. It took SO MUCH of me to even show up to that party, but then this stranger had to say the ONE THING I was scared of hearing, that same thing my inner voice is often saying… “You should be ashamed of what you look like. You should hide. You should stay home.” I know that her words have a lot more to do with herself than it has to do with me. She must live with so much shame that she felt the need to put two people down, people who were empowered and confident in their skin.

my hands at different stages of healing.

MY ESSENTIALS:

- Phone

- Keys

- Mask

- Sleeping gloves for itch

- Water bottle

- Wipes

- Hand sanitizer

- Hand lotion

- Bandaids for broken skin

- Sunscreen

- Toothbrush

- Towel

- Face wash

- Face oil

- Eczema balm

- Lip balm

- Concealer

- Brow gel

- Tampons

- Pads

- Underwear

- Pajamas

- Clothes for tomorrow

- Sweater if it gets cold

- Socks

- Inhaler

- Allergy med

- Gluten digestive enzyme

- Lactose digestive enzyme

- Antacid

- Vitamins

- Probiotic

- Glasses case

- Phone Charger

- Eye drops

- Ice packs

- Stress supplement

...and don’t forget your wallet!

—————

For a person with chronic illness, like eczema, there are too many things that are essential. The anxiety that comes with travel and not being able to control your environment, the ingredients in food you might eat, the way your body responds to stress - there are too many things that can go wrong. I don’t blame myself for forgetting things like my wallet, phone or keys, because there are just so many other things to remember.

HEALING PROGRESS!

watch my skin calm down from a contact dermatitis reaction.

the other day, I had a reaction to some household cleaning products. I stupidly decided to wash my face after cleaning the sink. immediately, I felt my face erupting in hives, and swelling in all the places where I normally get eczema. 

i’ve found that turmeric and ginger have been my bff’s for swelling and inflammation, so i chugged that down right away with some water. within thirty minutes, the reaction calmed down and my skin was back almost to normal! this was my skin a total three hours later:  

Eczema is teaching me how to move beyond vanity. Every morning I brace myself to see what I look like when I first wake up. Instead of saying “good morning” to my partner, I ask him:

Are my eyes swollen?  Is it more healed than yesterday?  Do I look better?  Am I peeling?  Is it worse? 

And what if it IS worse? Do I love myself any less? Why is my self love tied to how I look or how much I’ve healed? What if I always look like this? How will I learn to love this version of myself? 

Hello! I come to you three months after the onset of COVID-19, during the continuous fight for Black Lives, and four days until my summer break from teaching begins. Wow, what a transformative and painful time it has been. 

I have some skin updates for you all, and for once, it’s GOOD NEWS. My skin is actually healing! I finally got the courage to quit using my topical steroids all together, and I have never been more proud of myself. What is a polite way to tell my former dermatologist he can SUCK IT? 

There are a bunch of things I’ve adopted and eliminated from my life since this healing process began, but today I want to specifically speak on the process of quitting steroids. Steroid addiction and TSW (Topical Steroid Withdrawal) are both very real things. I was told by several dermatologists and throughout my life that eczema was a lifelong, chronic condition that could only be managed with steroids, antibiotics, and diet. Before quitting, I had been using Desonide, Mometasone, Fluocinonide, Mupirocin, and Nystatin antifungal cream. Even though my intuition told me something wasn’t right, my dermatologist told me I needed to continue to using these every single day until my skin was healed. My skin would flare, then heal, then flare and heal again. There. was. no. end. in sight. And the flares were getting more intense each time. 

I was so fed up with it that I finally decided to work with a naturopathic doctor who could help me heal naturally. I’ve seen so many other success stories of eczema warriors healing this way, so I was determined to try too. When I told my dermatologist, he literally laughed at me then boo-ed me for going the natural route! A professional. Booed me. Then he tried to convince me that taking more antibiotics was somewhat “natural” because bacteria is natural, or some bullshit. I swear, so many doctors have the idea that their patients have no common sense at all. They swear like we don’t know our bodies better than anyone else. He also said, “If your eczema actually gets better from your naturopath, I want to get their phone number and talk to them.” And you already know, once I’m completely healed, imma be sending him her contact info with a quickness along with a signed photo of me that says, “Told you so.” Anyway, I am so relieved to finally have a practitioner who actually wanted to heal me from the INSIDE out! She actually listened to me health story and lovingly explained how each function of our body is intricately connected. I have other health issues that have come with eczema that she explained needed to be addressed as well. Unfortunately, most dermatologists are trained to only treat one part of the issue, and not the root. 

With her guidance, I was able to quit the steroids, and WOW did my skin hate it. My eczema ERUPTED around my eyes, and mouth, and it spread down around my whole face, and onto my neck. I also noticed my chest, armpits, arms getting new patches as well. Most mornings I woke up with my eyes completely swollen shut and I couldn’t move my mouth without my skin breaking, cracking and bleeding. It literally felt like my whole face and body were on fire. I was losing sleep and having anxiety all of the time. I thought about going back to steroids the entire time, but I’m so glad I powered through it. That was the hardest part, but it was worth it.  I’m finally seeing progress that I never thought was possible. And it really only took 4 months! I’ll share more on the remedies I used to get through TSW another time, but I wanted to make sure I take the time celebrate myself and my resilience so far through all of this.  If you are trying to quit steroids, it will be hard, but you can do it! 

Quitting Topical Steroids: March, April, May 2020

May was by far the hardest month, which is why I had to document it so much. I didn’t think I would get through it, but I did. 3/27 beginning of shelter in place. skin was ramping up, and cheeks were swollen, retaining water. i also wasn't eating well in order to cope with all the changes happening around me.

4/2 my skin ERUPTED. this was the worst i had ever seen and felt. used steroids to calm it down. 

4/3 took this photo because it felt like my skin was healing a bit. i made a choice to use steroids one last time.

4/27 i finally made an appointment with a naturopathic doctor. my thoughts during this photo: i am so ugly. what if i look and feel like this forever? what if i never heal? what did i do to deserve this?

5/5 may was by far the hardest month. my skin got angrier and angrier as the days came. friends kept asking me to video chat or facetime with them and i always declined. couldn’t bare to look at myself. 

5/7 I spent a lot of time outside on our deck journaling, meditating, and listening to podcasts. i’m so glad it was sunny in daly city during this time. it was one of the only things that helped when I felt I had no more control over what was happening to me.

5/8 my half birthday, six months til 30. i remember forcing myself to smile and put on a nice shirt and earrings to remind myself that this would pass.

5/10 SO uncomfortable. hard to look at. i spent a lot of time crying, staying in bed, and icing my face. nothing seemed to help. i still had to teach remotely so i stayed as far away from the camera as i could. did you know Zoom has a skin filter option? 

dear friends, how are you all coping during this time in history? and how is your skin doing? before shelter in place was ordered in the Bay Area, I was three months into the Eczema Diet. I stopped eating fried food, refined sugar, eggs, dairy, gluten and caffeine. it was incredibly hard, but I felt like it was time to make a change to heal my skin from the inside out. however now that this pandemic is upon is, i’m staying home and panicked about the state of the world. as I try to cope with this madness, and i’ve been turning back to things that bring me comfort: junk food, ice cream, bread, and drinking coffee on the daily.

which brings me to one of the worst flares i’ve ever had:

ugh. it’s so hard for me to look at. it’s terrible, painful and i feel... helpless. I feel ugly. the hardest part is i’m not really sure what to do. i feel guilty for wanting to find another doctor to help, because the healthcare workers of the world already have so much on their plate. is my dermatologist just going to recommend antibiotics again? also, what is eczema worth when people in the world are ill and really suffering? my eczema isn’t an emergency, and i feel selfish for even writing this.

before the pandemic, I had already been living in fear. I liked staying home because I didn't have to deal with people seeing my skin if I was flaring. I think about my fellow eczema buddies and friends with other chronic health conditions who also have had no choice but to stay home, to stay safe. we have been aware of being extra clean, diligent of our skincare, avoiding contact with others or instances where our health might be compromised. it isn’t new. and now another layer of anxiety is upon us. 

my skin has gotten better since the flare, which happened a few weeks ago. but i’m so scared of it flaring again. i'm afraid that I'll cause another breakout by going back to unhealthy habits. i’m afraid that the hard work, research, and time i’ve put into educating myself about skin will all just go to waste with this pandemic. i’m afraid of getting sick in other ways. i’m worried for my family, my friends, my students, my neighbors, and my housemates. 

left side bumpies.

this photo was taken today before leaving the house to participate in some birthday activities with friends. I just turned 29! And although I’ve changed and grown so much with age, eczema has always been constant. Almost reliable, like an old, toxic friend.

I stopped posting on this blog for a few months because my face cleared up completely. I was off work for the summer, got a lot of sun on vacation, and was on top of my skin care routine prescribed from my derm. Meanwhile, I finally chose to embrace my natural wavy hair, and quit using all heat, silicones, and sulfates in my hair. It has been glorious, eye opening, and I feel like I am more myself!

This week however, my eczema came back. I was reminded that it still lives under my skin, inside my body. The truth of living with a chronic illness is that it never really goes away. I’m trying not to view this eczema as something to battle, but someone to understand. A person who has overstayed their visit, how can I help you? Can I listen to you for a while? How can I remind you that this is not your home?

the current state of my hands.

I like to think I work hard. the constant handwashing, contact with harsh cleaning products, and bacteria from my classroom makes it hard for the eczema on my hands to heal. not to mention the stress my body experiences while in this place.

I’ve been feeling this shift in my heart telling me it might be time to move onto something else. Imagine if I left the bandaid on my hands for longer than I should. It would get soggy, wet, and lose it’s stick. It would still be better than no bandaid though, as it would still provide me with safety and protection from the world. But imagine the way it feels to take off that old, used bandaid and add a fresh new one.

This is my skin’s reaction to soy. The face gets red patches, hot to the touch, then dries out afterwards. No itching, which is odd, but quite bearable! However, no amount of makeup can hide this shade of red.

Hairloss

Dandruff

Asthma

Gut Health issues

Fungal Acne

Fungal Infections

Blepharitis

Periocular Dermatitis

Sebbhoreic Dermatitis

Staph Infection

Body Dysmorphia

Depression

Anxiety

And that’s not all!! 💫

I’ve been able to distinguish between the different bumps and rashes on my face from being just “eczema.” I know that the small bumps under my eyes are periocular dermatitis and that it comes from an overuse of steroids. And the pimples on my forehead? That is fungal acne that is related to my gut. I wash my hands vigorously to keep from flaring up a staph infection near my nose, but not too much soap or it will irritate the contact dermatitis on my hands.

Sigh.

Too many things to keep track of, too many things to fear. Different creams for different parts of my face. Feeling beautiful one day, then ugly the next. It’s exhausting.

2 year old me holding the mic, because even then I needed my voice to be heard. lolz.

But really though, an emotion I have always felt so clearly as a child until today is embarrassment.

Embarrassed about the state of my skin, embarrassed of my wild curly hair, embarasssed to say the wrong answer in class, embarrassed to speak my mind because what if I don’t really know what I’m talking about? ... etc.

I had such terrible eczema in the 7th grade that it developed into a patch of warts on my face from all the constant picking and scratching. Yikes. I finally had to get the warts burnt off at the doctor, which hurt like hell and scabbed immediately. Can you believe my parents still made me go to school the same day?!? I was mortified. From then on, I hid my face more than before and did everything I could to not draw attention to me.

In high school, my skin cleared up a bit and I started to find my voice - literally. I joined choir at school and sang in the music ministry of my Catholic youth group. Being on stage holding a microphone with all ears and eyes on me was something I had to learn to get used to. But I can’t lie, I liked the shift in attention. To produce something beautiful with my body, rather than feel ugly was very empowering.

Today, I’m still finding my voice. It’s taken a lot of work to unlearn the habit of hiding behind others, making myself small, and automatically feeling embarasssed that people will think I am stupid. But I guess now it’s sort of opposite. I’m worried that people will think that I’m being self-centered for sharing my experience, or selfish for even wanting to be heard. When will I figure out the balance?