My new period-appropriate crack headcanon is that the boston raiders once used akinator to figure out who montreal jane is and it kept telling them if was shane hollander and they kept thinking it was the weirdest fucking bug

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My new period-appropriate crack headcanon is that the boston raiders once used akinator to figure out who montreal jane is and it kept telling them if was shane hollander and they kept thinking it was the weirdest fucking bug

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it’s late 2016. shane hollander is dating rose landry. ilya rozanov is breaking every traffic law known to man in his hideous sports car and tearfully scream-singing DONTCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME….. DONTCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME…..
these two things, of course, have nothing to do with each other
Everyone: omg Hollander leash your dog, Ilya is barking at opponent hockey players again
Shane Enabler Hollander: ok so Ilyusha this player has had zero assists in the entire season, he got drafted last, and finally - and this is crucial - he once scored a goal in his own team's net
Ilya Heart Eyes Rozanov: thank you my ShaneWiki this is valuable data, off I go
randomly getting intensely interested in some bullshit like
If there's one thing the Centaurs were not prepared for when Hollander joined their team, it's just how much of an asshole he is. Like, pretty early on Shane's first season with the Cens, Dillon misses a pass from him in practice and Shane immediately goes "did you leave your contacts at home?" in a perfectly bland, inoffensive tone and Dillon, genuinely confused, says, "I don't wear glasses..." and Shane immediately retorts with "well, you clearly need them so I'd schedule an eye test" and then just skates away with the puck while the rest of the Centaurs are left gaping behind him except for Ilya who is folded over with laughter

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Have we considered that between Ilya Slavanov and Mr. Autism 3000 this is probably how they look to the outside world even when they're as happy as can be 😭
katara is one of those impossibly cool people who “has a guy” for everything. like run into any sort of problem and she’s just like “hang on i gotchu. just contact this number and they’ll know what to do.” but half the time that guy is just sokka
incredibly in-character
New headcanon that even though Shane is a millionaire, his parents still technically pay his phone bill because it's cheaper on the family plan and it's a pain to change phone plans and deal with phone companies and the plan they're on has good coverage in Canada and the US without roaming charges so it's just more convenient to stay on his parents' plan.
They insist he doesn't need to pay them back, it's only like $40/month, and it's only a drop in the bucket compared to the money Shane's spent on them so Shane lets it go. When Ilya gets settled in Canada, the Hollanders find out he's paying like $200/month for some fuck-ass phone plan he picked out at 18, so he gets added to the Hollander family phone plan too.
projecting my period cramps on Lily

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We're gonna have a hard time convincing future generations the phrase "Trumped-up charges" is etymologically unrelated.
you know those studies showing that cursing helps with pain tolerance or whatever. that’s how i feel about making my weird little noises to get through my basic daily activities. sometimes you just have to go hggblaaaah for a minute so you can find the strength within yourself to get up or wash the dishes or send an email. mmmnneh. urgh. the torments are unending but you can always make some little sounds about it.