flower through disarray

I’m very…how do you say…..over it

I wonder what kind of a person I'd be if i didn't have anxiety

man i hate the egoism in my anxiety. do i really think my presence is so important that it’s the focal point of everyone’s judgment? do i really see myself as someone that should be capable of getting everything right, all the time? sometimes i just want to scream at my brain that it doesn’t matter. i’m moving through the world like everyone else. it doesn’t fucking matter

!!!!!!!!

do you still say reading is one of your favorite activities/hobbies even though you haven’t actually read in months but you used to read like a book a day when you were younger so much so that it became a personality trait and now you for some reason cannot for the life of you make yourself read but you’re still emotionally attached to that part of you and hope by speaking it into existence you’ll someday rediscover that happy version of yourself or are you normal?

the numbing sensation that i’m wasting my youth and that i’ll look back on my life with a great deal of regret increases a lot during the summer 

being alive is like a whole fucking thing dude ive only been here 23 years and can only really remember like 10 of those years at most and yet im literally immobilized by fear and anxiety i have no clue what i want and yet i am mad at myself for not moving fast enough? like towards what? for who? who is even going to hand me a medal for living correctly? like what would happen if i was just content but like no one knew and i told no one. would that still count? i think it would

‘I’M JUST A KID AND LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE’ i scream at the age of 23 as i’m forced to make adult phonecalls

what is a student. a miserable little pile of emails.

social distancing is okay for me bc ive been touched starved since the 15th century. im used to it.

forever torn between wanting to be seen as pretty and absolutely hating the idea of anyone looking at me or thinking anything about me ever

It doesn’t make you unlovable or a horrible person if you don’t have many friends. It can be difficult to meet new people if you’re shy or quiet or have anxiety. It can be difficult to stay in touch with people if you can’t find the time or energy to remain in contact. It can be difficult to make new friends if you struggle to find people you click with or who are interested in the same things as you. None of those things mean you’re unlovable. 

What a year March has been

it’s still march???

We’re all going to have PTSD and agoraphobia by the end of April

Like, my grandparents lived through the Great Depression and never really managed to give up their learned habits from that experience. Now, instead of “Why are you guys sitting in the dark? You can afford to turn lights on…” it’s going to be “Why do you feel guilty about going to the grocery store? You aren’t infecting anybody.”

I’m already planning to have big bottles of hand sanitizer, and gloves for the rest of my life, also I want to buy an old school freezer, you know those ones that look like a coffin? I want one, and I want to fill it with frozen meat so I never EVER have to feel this fucking terror of what I’ll do if I run out of food. 

I feel like we’re seeing the preview version of it in all the memes about how weird it is to watch media now where people touch.

there is no viable way for me to explain how hard it hits when dan smith says “don’t listen to your friends, see the despair behind their eyes. don’t listen to your friends. they only care and want to know why.” and  “just listen to your friends, trust that they’re fair, look in their eyes. just listen to your friends, they only care and hope you’re alright.“ IN THE SAME SONG. because yeah, exactly.  

people being upset that an event they were looking forward to attending or watching was cancelled due to proactive containment measures doesnt make them callous or self centered, you’re just obsessed with performative social justice tweeting. let people be disappointed about shit, damn. sorry your life sucks and you have no interests or hobbies outside of policing others’ moral purity online lol

You can be disappoited and agree with decision at the same time, you know…