gone fishing

Birthed by the innocence that sees only the light in each heart

I hate not being where I want to be.

I just want to tell the people I love:

just give me a second to catch up on life.

then I can shine and contribute more of myself to you

and we can enjoy life together again

but i'm afraid that no one has the patience to wait and see

for this transformation to reveal the real me

- that's been buried under a lifetime of fear, coping, and grief.

it frustrates me - the hand that I was dealt

but at the same time,

i've never learned to use my voice - a very powerful weapon, i'm learning.

I always depended on others for my self worth and value

I'm so insecure in myself that I am afraid of not meeting everyone's expectations

All i've known is how to survive on people-pleasing

I took a reality pill

and this is what I found 

underneath the shit hole of lies and deceit

I found truth

I am a powerful person

created for greatness and fulfilling relationships

I want to change

the farther I step out of deception

the farther I step into truth

truth is light, and love is life

so I choose to trust 

the Truth

a person

-

in order to change

I need to be aggressive

with the beings who build 

this house of darkness

I need to clean and make sure

my home stays clean

at all costs

because cycles that kill

are cycles that need to die

and the person who is love

needs a safe place to stay

-

is it worth the cost?

can’t write. just breathe.

heavy.

underneath grime and greed

purge

get out of me

where, when, how

did this begin

it’s not you

so is it me?

keep me in your hand

i’ve fallen out of my mind

into a sea of grace

an ocean carrying the contents

of my broken heart

my insides

gushing out

blood rushing out

out of my system

losing sight

losing the fight

can’t this just happen

happen

happen

no sense is nonsense (null experience is ignorance; our senses are portals of knowledge)

every word and world has dimensions

how do I explain so you and him

can both understand

i can’t

so i wont

i will speak for myself

in truth

that’s all I can really do

the temptation to escape this world imperfections pain the ugly, the bad, the evil the muddiness of life