The song that means so much and will hurt me everytime I hear it from now on

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@goldenaro
The song that means so much and will hurt me everytime I hear it from now on

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Beautiful Fireworks of Failure
Tonight was a night that will not be forgotten for quiet some time. I wont remember the exact day, the exact time or any of the fine details. What I will remember is the day that my marriage ended in full. How we talked in the car and listened to music, sang along to the songs that said more than either of us could. We talked about what was wrong what hurt us over the years when, things went wrong and all the other things that we had been holding on to. There were no tears, no intentional malice just honesty. All of this happening with fireworks going on in the background. They were beautiful, violent and short lived. Just like what I turned my marriage into. My partner will blame me for things that have gone wrong in our marriage and I will blame her for things. At the end of the day the fault should lie with us both, but for me it never will. The blame will lay with me. I realize that Iām a terrible partner. I was only there when she needed me the most. I wasnāt present in our daily lives. I had checked out and didnāt care anymore. I let all of the worst parts of me come to the surface and tucked them away from other people. When we were home together we only dragged each other down. I was a lead weight tied to her ankle when she tried so hard to swim onward. When we got home we talked more and we both realized we were dancing around trying to say the same thing but neither of us had the guts to say it in full, so I did so she didnāt have to make the last cut. I could at least save her from that. We both agreed that it was over. Our relationship had sunk, over, consumed by fire and whatever else you wanted to say. In all of this there were things i could have said but none of it would have been productive only hurtful. So as of right now those thought and feeling will be left alone, there is no need for them. In all of this I always tried to avoid hurting my partner and almost always failed in a grand fashion. This time I will be better. This time I will do my best. This time I will know I did everything I could to help.
From here we will find out who I am and what it actually means to live with all the mistakes and choices that I have made in my life. Demons will need to be brought forward to face the light and hopefully I will end up a better person.
Well Shit three years two months and four days of marriage and three years three months and twenty-three days of dating have ended. I feel like it should hurt more but right now i just feel empty and strangely light.
Lets see what tomorrow brings
well shit this couldnāt come out and a more appropriate time in my life
Honestyās Final Straw
Well I think this is the final straw for my marriage. I have trying to be civil and honest with my partner but I donāt think i can do it anymore. Today when I got home from work my partner asked how my weekend was. we had a short conversation about it and then as its wrapping up she asks me if I had been good over the weekend, implying sex and whatnot. I said I had which was the truth, and then she asks about apps as well. This caught me a touch off guard but answered honestly, which was I had been good. later that day when I got onto my computer I opened up my browser and it asked if i would like to restore my last session. I clicked yes assuming it was something I didn't close properly. To my surprise it was my browser history. Ā Honestly I freaked out a bit more than I probably should have. Thankfully Individual was texting me and she calmed me down. the chances that the browser history were up and my partner didnāt look are probably VERY slim. But I will keep my cool and talk with my partner tomorrow and see what she has to say on the matter. I have since changed my password for my account and I honestly donāt know if I can come back from this. Well we will see how this all shakes out.
The Coals of Friendship
Well Shit. I had a pretty good weekend without my partner. I was out with individual and we got invited to go out with a larger group of individuals friends Ā who happened to be a block away from us. What this experience taught me is how you introduce yourself really paves the way for that friendship. I started my interaction with all these people by being open and honest and bigger than the party. This lead to a lot of good conversations and a very good night. Later that weekend i met up with some old friends of mine and hung out with them. It was a very different experience. We didnāt talk a lot but we didnāt connect in the same way we use to. The whole night was pleasant overall but it felt strained. It left me feeling odd about the whole ordeal. I feel as friendship is like charcoal. The new friendship is hot, red and flashy. Old friendship is a old piece that is cold and grey, that being said those charcoals can be stoked to be what they once were. Iām going to be making an effort to get back with my old friends and trying to stoke that friendship to back to what it once was. If it doesnāt work out then iāll let the friendship be what it is. Ā Hopefully we will see good things from this but hey who knows.

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The Subtle Language
The difference between āok Loveā and āok -partners name-ā is so heavy and pronounce. With everyone I love and care about I always end up giving them a nickname it helps me connect with people on a different level. Even my partner I rarely called her by her full name I always have shortened it. So now that we are trailing separation Iām trying to give her the space we both need and the biggest thing for me is saying her name. Naturally Iāve slipped at time and called her love or her pet name but I try. For some reason this always feels like Iām dehumanizing her and making her less then what she is. I could call her love with all the hate I could muster and it would still sound better than if called her by her name with all the love in my heart. There are other things that Iāve started to notice with our language as well. My partner is craving to talk to me more than ever even though she is talking with other people more then she use to. Myself on the other hand I seek my solitude and talk when I want to talk and only to the people I want to. Her language and tone when she talks to me sounds almost needy and attention seeking and Iām not sure if that just how Iām interpreting it. I am being more honest with my partner but not about the things she wants me to be. Iām being more honest with my needs and wants, like I donāt want to talk right now or I wasnāt listening to your story for the last couple of minutes. She is getting more needy with questions, if Iām on my phone itās what are you doing, who are you texting, whatās that email about. I know Iām being defensive about my phone but she doesnāt need to know any of those answers and she is starting to take offence when I blow her off and say the generic answer. I fee the emotions start to creep into her voice when she gets upset about my answers and I feel a storm brewing but I really have no incaling to stop it as I donāt think Iāve done anything wrong. Well Iām sure there will be a post about when the storm hits until then stay dry and fuck I donāt k⦠learn something?
Escape Velocity
One thing that keeps going through my head is how we grow as people. We never stay the same for long and we rarely recognize who we were last month let alone last year. Getting married at a young age is rough voyage. You have to trust your partner with everything you are that day as well as everything you could ever potentially be. Ā As we grow as people we need people around us to keep our orbit stable. I believe my marriage with my partner degraded as we grew up and changed and we didnāt call each other on our shit and our orbits slowly started to degrade and has started to reach the point of no return,Ā
Parent vs Parent
Things were going pretty well between me and my partner. Until today, We went to the zoo with our daughter. Her boots were a little snug and she wore short socks. We really should have seen this coming but have way though one of the parks the boots started to rub and our daughter had to constantly adjust her boots. Eventually we stopped and realized that she left her water bottle somewhere. My partner got very upset about this. With my daughterās boots hurting and my partner being upset we decided to go back through the one area we had visited to try and find my daughterās water bottle Now my daughter has not been the best listener today and has gotten on my wifeās nerves. My daughter kept walking funny due to her boots but wasnāt complaining and was being rather good about it I thought but my partner kept telling her to walk normally. I kept saying saying it as well but I didnāt agree. Eventually I got my daughter to take off her socks and my wife was very upset by this. We had a bit of a tiff at the zoo. We try not to do this in front of our daughter. I could tell my daughter was getting upset. After we got home we actually had a good afternoon we had a good dinner and everything went pretty smoothly. Once our daughter went to bed my partner asked if I wanted to watch Netflix upstairs with her. Due to the fight we had earlier I saidĀ ānoā and you know what it felt good to say no and just be by myself for a bit. Me and my partner are half decent together as adults but we are terrible parents together. I think this is one of the main problems of our relationship.
Next Exit Escapism
One coping strategy that I have is escapism. Actually its the main strategy that I have. The ways I escape is generally through audio. I listen to podcast stories and music and they have a great power to let me keep productive while I can keep my mind busy with visualizations of what is going on in the stories. The wide variety helps as well. Right now Iām currently listening to well over two dozen stories. and at least 12 update weekly with new content. This form of escapism helps keep my mind busy. The form of escapism that damages my relationship with people is the escapism of oblivion. This is escape into my phone. where i scroll facebook and whatever else for hours on end. I know that this is a problem but I can not stay away. I try and give myself timers or delete everything but it always slowly works its way back. Iām hoping by acknowledging this I will be able to actively work on this better than just mentally saying it. THe biggest problem with escapism as a strategy is when other people donāt recognize it as a coping strategy and just see it as you avoiding them. Iām trying to escape the stress and to me this is the healthiest way. Its better than be turning to alcohol or anything else. But my partner just sees it as me avoiding her and takes it personally. Iāve tried to let her know how it helps and why I do it but it never sinks in for long. Iāve tried to get her into podcasts so we could listen together but we have very different tastes in what we listen to. In the end I just couldnāt keep it up and trying to get her involved was just exhausting.Ā
Well thatās all now back to my podcasts, never mind iāve been listening to them this entire time
A Passionless Marriage
The last time my wife and I had any kind of intimacy was christmas. Literally Christmas Day, December 25 2016. This was a last ditch effort by my wife for a form of connection. a month or two before that I has stopped trying to initiate sex with my wife as I got sick of constantly being turned down. Before that the passion in our marriage has been gone for a long time before that. I honestly canāt remember the last time we kissed each other with any kind of passion other than a quick peck. Sex has become the same thing when it did happen it was the same thing and was disappointing. One of the most painful things about all of this is itās not totally our fault. My wife has an undiagnosed medical condition that causes her a lot of pain. I think where some of the passion was lost was due to the pain that being intimate caused her. The rational side of me gets this and canāt blame her for this. Who would want to do something that was painful? The emotional side - the sweet whispers - ask how many times did she fake pain just to get out of sex? when did it become a chore for her? There were other things that she could have done and I was more than happy to reciprocate. So slowly day by day we drifted apart the way the tectonic plates slowly slide apart. No big movements. Each day that went past and every time I was rejected I can say it hurt. At first it was nothing nothing more than a bug bite, but as the time between sex started to get longer the more I noticed it effected my attitude and mood. Not just at home but overall. I became short tempered and more pessimistic. Than we would have sex and I would notice that I would be happier and the future would seem a bit brighter. This cycle went on for a long time. Eventually the ups didnāt even take the edge off. I would try and take care of things myself but then my wife would find out and we would get into an argument over it and she would refuse sex just to spite me for a while afterwards which didnāt help at all. It has now been over 7 months since I have had sex and Iām noticing something else start to happen which is disturbing me. Iāve noticed my sex drive and urges have taken a sharp decline and I find it hard to become aroused. I honestly donāt know what to do about this but I guess thatās just one more step I need to take. For anyone who actually ever finds this sex is an important part of any marriage. not the amount or quality but both of you need to be on the same frequency on what you both want, but hey its advice from me and you can see how my marriage went.
Well this turned into just a long ramble. thank you for putting up with this

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30 Days of Self Discovery
At this point I'm not sure if these posts make any sense if read in order or if they are the ramblings of someone who's trying his best to hold on. So after the fight me and my partner had on Saturday night we agreed to a trial 30 separation. What his means is we are still married we still live in the same house but I sleep in the basement ad. She sleeps upstairs. We still share meals together - about as often as before the separation - we still interact with each other, oh and no online dating or anything of that kind. The only difference is I feel no obligation to stay home and be around her at this time. So I'm making plans with my friends and people I know to get myself out of the house and do things. I have not and will not tell any mutual friends that we have about what is going on. The main reason is if this does not end in divorce than I don't want there relationship complicated by our relationship. The day I tell our mutual friends is the day we agree that this is a sunk ship and we list the house. My partner keeps asking my I haven't told my best man about what is going on and I can't do that to him. He isn't the kind of guy who would be able to help and in end if he knows that is truest the last straw in our marriage. She has told her maid of honour about the online dating issue and now my relationship with that individual is poisoned from this point onwards, I know she will never look at me the same way and she will never trust me again because she doesn't have the full story and I don't think anyone will ever frisky have the full story. I try my damnedest to write how it is but you are only getting my view point and my feeling. So for the time being we have until the end of summer to figure out what's going on with my marriage and to figure out who I am now as an adult, Father, Lover and Friend. I truly don't know where to go from here so might as well jump with both feet
The Worst Part of Me
Tonight was one of the hardest nights of my life. I had to confront some very scary demons about myself.Ā
To set the stage - me and my partner were not on the same page on what our separation meant. To her this meant 30 days apart and we renegotiate where we stand. To me this separation was the final straw and our marriage was over. So in order to move on I started an online dating profile to chat with other people. My partner found out and we had a huge fight. Honest things were said and honest truths were said that hurt a lot more.
One thing that I have been dealing with for almost 20 years is the other voice in my head. Now this voice says things to me that are concerning. Itās been that way because I take out all my anger on this voice. In my head I have him strung up hanging on hooks and tortured for everything that I have ever done wrong - and there is a lot - Now this voice has started talking to me more and more and he doesnāt yell he whispers. His whispers are so soft and so subtle and there is many times that his voice comes out instead of my own. Ā I try very hard to keep him contained but the stress of my imploding relationship has caused cracks and his voice is getting louder and more persistent.Ā Iāve been dealing with this issue for a very long time and the battle has been held at bay. I donāt believe anyone else can help with this and my wife said I need help.
I honestly donāt think anyone can this is just one demon that I have to fight alone
The Setting Sun
Today driving home I got to experience my favourite time of day - Dusk. The moment where to world says lights out and puts on the most beautiful display of depressing dying colours. Meanwhile the manmade city's try and fight back the coming darkness with there harsh lifeless white beams of light. In the end the night always wins and there is some satisfaction with that. The dark will always come and we have to choices. 1. Be the city and vainly try and fight it away 2. Be the plains and silently sit there and watch he colours fade and know the light will always come back Right now I feel like dusk has fallen on my relationship and I will be the plains and watch the colours die and turn to darkness. I just need to remember that the light always comes back
Stagnation
Today was weird. I woke up later then usual thanks to my two cats not leaving me alone. But when I woke up the house was empty because my partner was at work and I did a couple odd chores and hen got ready to leave. When I got to work I kept busy and didn't have a panic attack all day. Now the kicker was my partner waited up to talk to me about her day when I got home. This is weird because she always complained that I never did this when we were together. I just feels like we have stagnated this separation. I'm confused, should I keep pushing the separation forward or let it stagnant and see if we slip back into a relationship? Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who throws it away so easily? I don't think I do or do I do it for my Daughter which I know is a terrible excuse. Or do I broach an open relationship? So many questions so little time to let my mind wander
The One Thing that TrulyĀ Matters
Over the past couple of days Iāve started taking inventory of the things in my life that matter to me, the list that came to my head
1. Got a good job - Check
2. Got friends - lets put a pin in that
3. Got a car that lets me go from point A to B - Check
4. Got a house - well its being sold
5. I have a beautiful DaughterĀ
There it is. All in all iād say iām not doing to bad. Now when i finished this list I made a couple of revisions, here is the new list
1. I have a beautiful Daughter
2. I have a beautiful Daughter
3.Ā I have a beautiful Daughter
4.Ā I have a beautiful Daughter
5.Ā I have a beautiful Daughter
At the end of this whole terrible event I need to make sure I protect the most important thing in my life. My Daughter. I already only see my daughter on the weekends from my past relationship. Over the past several months when I was trying to work on my relationship we missed a lot of weekends with my daughter. Every weekend I missed with my daughter is like being stabbed in the heart and having twisted for several days. I did this willingly to try and save a marriage that I thought that could be saved. I donāt think many people understand what its like to not see your child for weeks on end due to one partner not wanting to help or compromise their time which would leave them alone with their child for a full day. Thatās what it ultimately came down to. My partner would not spend a single day with our child alone. A typical weekend, we would pick up our daughter at her birth motherās house which is 45 minutes at 10am. we would then drive all the way back and get home just before 11. effectively the morning is shot. we would have a quick lunch which ended up being the same thing week after week. I tried to help my lunch and come up with different ideas but every time my partner would just shut them down and I honestly did have the energy to fight it anymore so I would let her get away with it. Then after lunch our daughter would go to her room forĀ āquiet timeā she would stay in her room for 1 - 2 hours most of the time she slept the entire time because she needs it and I understand but I still feel frustrated about. she would get up and it would be close to 3pm and she would go out and play with all the other kids on the block. we never took her out anywhere because we were broke and she needed to interact with the other kids and have a childhood. we would have dinner around 5 she might have a bath after dinner and then she would be in bed before 7pm. that is the time I got to spend with my daughter for the past several months. after that I would drive her home Sunday morning for 10am give or take and then go to work. I rarely got more than 4-5 hours with my daughter when she was awake. If we did go some where I was scolded for trying to help my daughter or interact with her because she needed to learn to ask for help or needed to learn how to be independant.Ā
This I swear ends now. My Daughter comes before everything else and i would kill for her and I would die before I let someone hurt her again. I realize that the person who has hurt her the most has been myself and my own inability to truly connect to another individual in a meaningful way. I need to be a better role model and I will. I will help my daughter and play with my daughter and make sure she learns how to love someone and how to be open with people without fear of judgment. I can only hope that she takes whatās best out of all her parents all four of us and leaves all the other bullshit behind.
Daughter if I ever tell you about this place I hope you will forgive me and I hope I was able to explain when happenedĀ
I love you Daughter

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The people closest to you
Today was the first day I talked about my separation with someone other than my wife. This person I have come to realize means far more to me then I ever thought possible. She has been at the drop of hat to help me through all of my darkest times. While talking with her I came to realize a couple of things 1. I am a terrible friend. Which I am going to try and change 2. People who I thought I was close I know truest nothing about them and I have superficial connections with them - I want to work on this and connect with these friends again like I was so many years ago 3. I truly love this individual - not the romantic kind but a deep love that comes from years of connection with no judgement and the power to call you on your shit
I had been chatting with this individual for a couple of months over coffee and realized Iāve missed talking with her. During our chat today she allowed me to open up on some of the darkest things in this relationship with no judgement and allowed me to talk freely. During this chat she also was able to read between the lines drag those topics out that she knew needed to be dragged out. I owe this individual a debt that I donāt think I can ever repay but Iām sure going to try
Individual I love you
Alone at Least
Here I sit in a bed that I've shared with my wife before we were married. I sit here in my self pity and self doubt and think about how times were better in this bed. Times that were filled with joy and laughter and not the bitterness that grew. That bitterness grew from a seed I planted long ago. I am a serial cheater. I cheated on my wife before we were married and she knew. I cheater on the girlfriend before her and so on and so on. This bitterness I though would go away with a ring. For a time it did but it always grows back and each time it is harder to get rid of and this time it was just too much. We may both be at fault for this relationship ending but in my heart I know where the true blame lies and that is with me and the torture I inflicted on my wife and for this I will always be sorry.