#fireworksoffailure

Tonight was a night that will not be forgotten for quiet some time. I wont remember the exact day, the exact time or any of the fine details. What I will remember is the day that my marriage ended in full. How we talked in the car and listened to music, sang along to the songs that said more than either of us could. We talked about what was wrong what hurt us over the years when, things went wrong and all the other things that we had been holding on to. There were no tears, no intentional malice just honesty. All of this happening with fireworks going on in the background. They were beautiful, violent and short lived. Just like what I turned my marriage into. My partner will blame me for things that have gone wrong in our marriage and I will blame her for things. At the end of the day the fault should lie with us both, but for me it never will. The blame will lay with me. I realize that I’m a terrible partner. I was only there when she needed me the most. I wasn’t present in our daily lives. I had checked out and didn’t care anymore. I let all of the worst parts of me come to the surface and tucked them away from other people. When we were home together we only dragged each other down. I was a lead weight tied to her ankle when she tried so hard to swim onward. When we got home we talked more and we both realized we were dancing around trying to say the same thing but neither of us had the guts to say it in full, so I did so she didn’t have to make the last cut. I could at least save her from that. We both agreed that it was over. Our relationship had sunk, over, consumed by fire and whatever else you wanted to say. In all of this there were things i could have said but none of it would have been productive only hurtful. So as of right now those thought and feeling will be left alone, there is no need for them. In all of this I always tried to avoid hurting my partner and almost always failed in a grand fashion. This time I will be better. This time I will do my best. This time I will know I did everything I could to help.

From here we will find out who I am and what it actually means to live with all the mistakes and choices that I have made in my life. Demons will need to be brought forward to face the light and hopefully I will end up a better person.

Well Shit three years two months and four days of marriage and three years three months and twenty-three days of dating have ended. I feel like it should hurt more but right now i just feel empty and strangely light.