Steph in Wonderland

Moon Knight.

"oh that ones boring, he's just crazy. No action."

I like the mental stuff.

"you know the place you hang out is right around the corner from where I'm moving so I'll be there all the time..I'm friends with the owners and the bartenders."

Funny, I'm there a lot and have never seen you there.

"I bought strawberries feel free to eat them."

"why don't you hang more stuff up?"

You told me my uncle wants to sell the house.

Seeing as the nodes just changed, Mercury retrograde ended, and Saturn has now gone retrograde - all of the astrological things I read online say it means closing a chapter you are done with. When I was driving this morning, I saw a fully intact dead owl on the side of the road. I googled what I should do (I contacted fish & wildlife) but the other results that came up were from cultural references to the finding of a dead owl having spiritual meanings. I normally wouldn't read into that, but I thought it was an interesting coincidence that it speaks to what the planets are also saying.

I've spent days crying about a late diagnosis that changed the trajectory of my life - if I had been diagnosed earlier, I would've had less failures. Maybe not a failed marriage. I wondered if it was my fault, if I let it fail, if I should have tried more. Depression puts some serious blinders on you. This made me feel better about the situation (not the dead bird itself, I feel bad - it was such a beautiful creature), but maybe this chapter really is finally closing and I can move on to better things and peace of mind finally.

Like communicating with a brick wall.

I am running on empathetic burnout.

Nevermind the divorce, the loss of backstabbing "friends," the nightmare living situation, the ADHD diagnosis, the fibroids diagnosis. I am so depleted.

I hate the house I'm living in. I appreciate that it's free, but I have nothing but bad memories here. The first time I lived here was when my mom and stepdad got divorced and we were forced to sell our really nice house and move in with my grandma. It's when my anxiety and panic disorder first started. It was an awful time. Now this second time around, I'm left with memories of a failed marriage and an intensely stressful move. I spent the first 3 months here crying myself to sleep every night. Now every time I have to be in this house, I cry. The anxiety comes back. It's just haunted by my past. It makes it hard to breathe.

First dose I ever took (yesterday), I immediately got dizzy and anxious. My heart rate spiked...but it's because I had just finished a 5 shot latte. Bad decision.

Otherwise, the first thing I noticed was I stopped chewing on the insides of my cheeks and grinding/clenching my teeth for the first time in over 25 years. My mood was stabilized for the day and I had energy and was able to focus clearly and be extra pleasant with customers.

Although it did make my road rage worse on the way to work. I want to go fast and if you're in my way.... don't be. I also wasn't hungry at all the entire day.

Today is day 2. I kept the pills by my bed so I could take one right when I wake up. No anxiety or jitters, just made me feel ready to do things. Also makes you go to the bathroom 😂 which is something I've always had issues with, so that's a cool bonus.

Readjusting my relationship with alcohol to avoid being put in positions where unscrupulous people could even attempt to mess with me. Not gonna lie, what happened over a week ago was traumatic. I'm guilty of giving bad people so many chances to the point where it needs something explosive that threatens my safety in order to step away from them. So here we are.

The Sobo app is like my own little therapy critter. I enjoy it, and since I don't like phone calls or in-person sessions, it's nice to text back and forth and get clarity and validation.

The book I'm reading, This Naked Mind, is wonderful. It's engaging enough for me to stay paying attention.

The supplements I'm taking (I recently added a couple more) are very helpful overall. I'll attach a picture of them.

I ordered a book about late diagnosed women with ADHD so I'm looking forward to jumping into that.

Rather than shutting my brain off at a dive bar when I'm burned out, I gathered 2 of my favorite girls and decided to do a day in the city. Outside of our hometown, away from our partners. Driving in the city is often a trigger for me, but with women who understand me and make me feel comfortable, it wasn't an issue in the slightest. We sang, we chatted, we gossiped, we ate delicious BBQ and had some great beers. We decided to do this once or twice a month as a fun little adventure.

I was taken advantage of by some shitty women over the past year, so to be reminded of how amazing my true friends are is something I had been lacking by not making the effort.

Now, instead of silencing it, I'm leaning into it and being hyperactive PHYSICALLY (when usually it's my brain that I let work in overdrive) to try and wear myself out, burn some nervous energy, and actually accomplish things.

I downloaded some apps that have been helpful. Sobo is one, it's like a little online therapy critter. I also got a sort of choose-your-own-adventure app specifically created for ADHD folks called Betwixt. I bought a book called The Naked Mind - it is fantastic. And I ordered some earbuds that will make it easier for me to focus by blocking out random noises and replacing them with soothing sounds..also good for sleeping, when I need some form of noise, not complete silence.

I got a lot done yesterday spending the day alone. Cleaned, set up multiple appointments I had been putting off, etc. All the mind numbingly mundane shit that I never want to do because they don't excite me enough. It feels good, and I hope that being put on medication will capitalize on all of this.

Here's a screenshot from one of the helpful apps.

Over the past 8 years or so, I've had 3 instances where I was warned about a particular person by many people, and instead I ignored the warnings and red flags. I'm not sure if it's naive stupidity on my part, or cockiness ("it won't happen to ME!") Or maybe another round of, "I can fix them." Because I'm stubborn and fall into that scenario regularly.

The common theme among the unscrupulous individuals was that they were all very open, honest, and forthright about their mental illness (and in 2 cases, past drug addictions). So I figured, if they are self aware and willing to admit to this, they must be OK - right?

No. No, no, no.

And each time, it ended with me being verbally (or physically) assaulted and feeling stupid. So now that I see the pattern, next time I have a dozen former coworkers of a person, or a dozen ex employees of a person, or a few dozen locals, or ALL OF THE ABOVE try to warn me - I will listen! The red flags were always there.

I used to be really good at reading energy. And I know the old trope about how Pisces are suckers and will fall for losers, that never seemed to be the case for me...except for maybe a few guys I dated. I've had the same close friends for 3+ decades, and another group of close friends who are of slightly more recent times. They are amazing. They often warned me. I didn't listen. Man did I get burned BAD by one of them last year. I shared too much personal trauma with them, they took advantage and hijacked my life. The most recent walking red flag I also shared too much with, and they tried to weaponize that trauma.

What a disgusting thing to do. But again, my fault for falling for it.

I recently thought about all 3 of these individuals and noticed they have something else in common: They never have the same friends. They don't have childhood friends or long lasting friendships. In fact, with each one of these people, they constantly move on to YOUNGER friends each time they nuke one of their friendships.

Why is that?

To me, it says they are being "found out" or people are catching onto their act so they have to continuously find younger, more naive and impressionable people to take advantage of. I'm not a psychologist so I'm not sure if this is common of a certain character flaw or mental diagnosis, it's just an observation.

Now that I'm dissecting my mannerisms, I'm paying more attention to these things. I know part of it is partially from a lack of confidence, or believing there is something fundamentally "wrong" with me so I put up with it. My best friend has a Grade A bullshit detector built in and from here out, I'm trusting her with being the deciding factor. No more "she's vulnerable/she's drunk/she's sad/she's going through it so let's take advantage of her gentle nature."