Since I am off and haven't posted anything on Tumblr in a while, I am going to try to elaborate on how I feel in my last post. I haven't really posted anything on this Tumblr in the entire year of 2026. (Well, except for my last post, which was supposed to be bigger, but Tumblr didn't save any of it so I am going to try this again) Like I mentioned in my last post, I have befriended a dude named DJ. He is a cool young dude in his 20s. I admire the guy a alot. He has own place, trying to get his own business doing finance stuff and seems to be "adulting" way better than me. We have become good friends.
However, I feel like it's a disconnect between me and him. Like I mentioned in my last post, I feel like it's a cultural and age disconnect. For one, I reference and talk about certain things from my era of growing up and he has no idea what the hell i am talking about. And in addition, our interests don't seem to align at all. My mother says he admires me, but i don't even drive on the highway like he does. Why in the hell would he admire me? Like i said, he is doing this "adulting" thing wayyyyy better than i was at his age. I mean, at one point, I had a friend I met with online that I could legit joke about the movie Small Soldiers with for hours or talk about WWE as well. I could do that with others in the same friend group. We was on a even playing field in terms of our interests and that helped us create a bond on a deeper level. However, I have made another friend at Amazon who likes fighting games as much as I do. We talked about Marvel vs Capcom 2, other fighting games and even Max Dood the youtuber. We have added each other on discord, but we haven't talked at all since. And this kinda of goes into the thing we're I feel alone a bit. (It's weird because using the word "alone" might be a little bit over dramatic, because after a long day of work, i do like coming home, relaxing in my room and zoning out watching YouTube, but at the same time that's the only word i can think of that would describe it) Yesterday, on that same trip to put-in-bay, I met a cool dude named Drew. And we talked for the entire boat ride to the island. We talked about cartoons we grew up with, video games from our childhood, and even youtubers we watched.
The guy even knew who FD Signifer was. It was just funny that I legit bonded with a legit stranger more so then the friend I invited along. And it's funny because I feel like I am bonding with people that live farther away like in other places than people in my own neighborhood, city, and hell even in my own state and everytime i go into working at Amazon seems like a reminder of that. I mean, the last time I had a relationship with someone in my state was when I was in high-school. I was fucking 16. The next time I had an adult relationship with a woman was with someone online. The first time i had sex with a girl was like when I was 13. Then let's jump a few years and then the next time this even happened again was with the person i met online. Hell, when I finally came across someone I wanted to actual marry, again it was someone who was online and they lived in a completely different state. (Which i haven't bonded with someone on that level since) Again, another person i had become deeply close with more than anyone else was someone I meet on discord who lived all the way in fucking Norway. She was young, but we talked frequently and the conversations engaged me mentally. (I mean i legit called her little sis.) However, it seems like none of these friendships last long though. Online or in person. The only two people that I have known for almost a decade at this point are again two people I met online. All of my high-school friends: Gone. People I grew up with in my family: Gone. I mean, I just talked to my uncle that I grew up with like a couple of weeks ago and that hasn't happened in years. I made a few friends at Amazon and added them to discord, but i haven't talked to anyone of them since. And I am not going to hunt people down. If people want to be bothered, they know we're to find me. I mean, I legit started off my Amazon job with the goal of being friends with everyone. I would legit asked people I talked with a few times to introduce me to their friends so I can complete this goal. I even made friends with one of the janitors, which I found out he makes music on the side and even made his own music video. Really cool shit. I even talked to this one chick there and we made a YouTube video that got posted on her youtube channel about a deep discussion we had. So I guess the entire goal wasn't pointless, but after a while, I just got feed up. Putting my hand out only for it to get slapped away. It's getting old. As much as I would like someone I could talk to, I can't keep doing this to myself. I told myself if I die alone, then oh well. I have tried in high-school, with my childhood friends, my uncle's friends, the MCA, people from staples, the people at the mental institution i went too, here at Amazon.
I mean, I even made a fucking online hotline so people could vent their problems to me and my best friend, which I did for free. I have tried to connect with people and it seems to lead to no where. It's funny because I had my one friend group i made with folks i knew from William Sonoma. It was 5 of us in the discord group. However, I stopped talking in there because it felt like it was getting "performative". I don't know how to explain it, but it just didn't feel right anymore. And most of the time, they would talk about their job, nothing of interest or nothing that warrant in-depth conversation. So I just took my exit. Nobody seemed to care. My hype partner (That's what i call her) asked me were i was, but I told her if they want to talk to me, I am always around. And that's the thing, I am still going to be friendly. I told the people that I made friends with at Amazon, if they just want to talk and vent about life, my dms are always open. I mean surprisingly, i had two girls that had pulled me aside one day and asked me if I am OK mentally and it was refreshing. We talked and I tried to return the favor. Even one of those girls I talked with, I added on discord and tried to return the good deed stating, "Hey If you need someone to vent to about life, my dms are open." But nothing. (I will go more into this later) And like I said, i am not going to stalk you. On that note, even with the relationships too. I mean, I went on like 5 different dating apps couple of years ago and between people i met on discord or at work, told a few women how I feel, but nothing. I met one girl who messaged me back on one of the apps who was into the same graphic design stuff i was into, but it went no where. It's funny now because I have gotten to the point where I tell people I am not emotionally, mentally, or financially ready to date anyone at the moment. In addition, alot of people I come into contact with are young (especially at work) and I feel like I would run into the exact same age gap and cultural disconnect issue i mentioned earlier. Plus, if I am being honest with myself, I still have a huge insecurity issue I need to work on. In addition to that, i really ask myself, could I mentally hold a relationships for years? I mean in order to have a strong healthy relationship that lasts a long time takes a certain level of mental and emotional work and I always wonder if I can do that. Like will it feel like a chore after a while? Like i know deep down, i don't want to get married or have children, which i feel like a good deal of women probably won't like that. It's Funny because I finally played super smash bros ultimate with my brother this week. I said since I am off, why not since he keeps asking. I played with him for an hour and was done. In the past, I could legit play a game with him for hours.
Hell, when we was younger, we could play different games until it was 3:00 am the next day. But I just couldn't. I just wanted to go back in my room and switch back and forth between watching endless amounts of YouTube videos and porn. Turn my brain off and be by myself. By that same token, dj came over for memorial day and chilled with the family. We ended up playing Micheal Jackson the experience on the Xbox kinect. It was OK but after a while, it just felt like a chore. Thinking about it now, maybe it's my fault. I mean i left from the William Sonoma friend group and i can't even do activities with people to strengthen relationships, but yet i am bitching and moaning about not having people to talk to. So maybe i am full of crap. This is why i am wondering if i can put the work in for a relationship because it seems like i can barely do it for a friendship. I don't know. It's funny because when I went to put-in-bay yesterday with everyone, it felt really good. Driving around the island in a golf cart and exploring was definitely my favorite part, but Eating at different spots, Visiting different shops, and of course drinking wine and liquor was enjoyable. I mean, we legit got to go in a fucking cave. It felt really good. Bonding with everyone doing this didn't feel like a chore. I guess because it aligned with something I want to do all the time: Travel. But it's funny because I miss talking with the girl from Norway on discord or Talking with other people I bonded with on there about our emotions, careers, and other deep subjects. I guess it helps me vent. Like this new friend I met at Amazon, his name is Mike. I feel like we have bonded a good deal. Sometimes after work, we would even chill by my car and talk for an hour. He even messages me on discord and we talk. Like a few days ago, I had started a conversation with him about what he would say which tv networks in a sense "help shaped your personality." We talked for a couple of minutes and it was cool. However, i don't know how long this friendship will last because we have talked about some "interesting" topics politically so who knows if these conversations are good for my mental health. However, I feel like Questions like this shed a light on who you are mentally. By that same token, when i am getting to know someone new at Amazon, i like to ask them a question. I would asked "What is one thing you would change about the society?" It's funny because before this job, I didn't do this, but it's something i adopted with time. But i like to do it because it gives me a little window into who the person is mentally. I have gotten some very interesting answers. It's funny because this question and the TV network question sound like Questions of night i would ask on the MCA. I know most people would say, "Why do i care so much about a person's mind?" but I just find it more intriguing personally then just surface level stuff. Plus, with the discord conversations, I sometimes like going back reading what we talked about seeing if my opinions i said back then line up with how I feel today. It's one of the main reasons I do this Tumblr. To see how i changed as a person. I did it today with a few discord conversations and with my Tumblr and I will say to a degree I am still the same person. I was especially surprised at the staples theft post. That is totally something I would say and do today. I guess the biggest thing i noticed is the cycle of wanting to be everyone's friend and then getting tried. Over and over again. However, maybe this time I finally stopped. (We will see) I haven't reached out to the group again. I think I am finally done with that. I even deleted a few numbers from my phone today because it's getting to that point of repetition. I even distanced myself from my two online brothers because I felt like it was getting to that point where I was "performing" again. (Update: We did start talking again after this post, so that's nice.)
In a sense in so many words, getting both of them to see that i was funny, cool, smart. I started to treat it like i did other people: When they want to be bothered, they know where to find me. Because like I said, it's getting really old on trying to get people to like me. Love me. Treat me with respect. (Again, there is that pattern of me distancing myself from people, so it makes you wonder: what in the hell do i want? People to kiss my ass or something?) Maybe i am starting to hardened my heart a little. Maybe this is one of the reasons I stopped trying to be "everyone's best friend". I mean i did for the first couple of months at Amazon and then I just gave up. Because what's the point? Nobody fucking cares. So why should I? If God or the universe or whatever the fuck wants me to be friends with someone or have a girlfriend, then it will happen. Otherwise, why am I trying so hard? Seriously, why? Now, I legit go to work, mentally zone out and do my job, and then clock out. And like I said before I am still friendly. Like with the two girls I mentioned earlier, they asked if I am ok and I tried to return the favor. Add one of them on discord and told them, "Hey if you need to vent to someone about life, I am always around." I even told her she was cute and mentioned if i was looking for a partner, she would be a good candidate. (She had braces, and i was even honest and told her i have a "thing" for that.) Although, if I am being brutally honest with myself, I masturbated to two girls that work at Amazon including this girl so it makes you wonder if i am looking for relationship or just sex. I have to call out my own bullshit. However, My heart hasn't hardened to such a point where i don't repay kindness. Never. But going out my way to in a sense "save people" or try really hard for them to like me, I can't do it anymore. I tried so hard with the MCA and other situations as i grew up. I really did. And who did it mental hurt? Me. Only me. And not a single person I invited on that show reached out. Not a single fucking person. I guess one did, but they only wanted me for business purposes.
For me to do there thumbnails and other graphic design stuff, but didn't check on me in a personal sense. I put up with so much bullshit that even my mom wanted me to stop. But I kept going. It's funny because it's gotten to the point where i want to do it again with "Chat by the lake." Try to make it just like the MCA. Community driven. Add people on so we can talk about stuff. I feel like its enough entertainment out there in the world that in a sense "worships" one individual and not a "ideal" of people in a sense. That anyone can have a voice. I mean, the company that inspired the MCA, Double Toasted use to do a call in show where anyone could call in and ask a question, but guess what? They stopped doing it. I mean even with the MCA. A few years ago when i left, Nick told me he stopped inviting people on. It pissed me off because I felt like YOU KILLED THE VERY POINT OF THE FUCKING SHOW!!! At this point, it's just another podcast to add to the other noise of everything else. I did one episode of Chat by the lake which i am proud of, but I haven't went back. It's funny because in a past Tumblr post, i talked about how i wanted to make a impact, be remembered. But it makes me think, have I given up on that? Because now, all I want to do is find a career that pays good money, buy a little house when my mom gets old. Then when she passes away, live there for the rest of my days, of course travel with her and then later in life when she is gone and then die like everyone else. If I die doing nothing, then I tried. One of my biggest role models is Shigeru Miyamoto. It's funny because when I mention him, no one knows who the fuck he is. But then I say he is the creator of Mario and then they go ohhh. It's crazy that you can create something that impactful that it's even more iconic then your own name. That's special. I mean look at Micheal Jackson. This guy has been dead for almost 2 decades and they are STILL MAKING MONEY OFF OF THAT FUCKING DUDE'S NAME. That level of impact is insane to me. I mean look at tupac, people still sample his songs, dedicate whole albums to him and he is getting featured in a fucking video game and people are like "Holy shit i have to buy this" and the dude has been dead for a very long time. It's this level of impact that makes me a little jealous if I am being honest. I mean at this point, you transcend culture and history, in a sense you live forever. That always seemed cool to me. But as I get older, the more I come to terms with possibly having this level of impact, I just shrug my shoulders and think when I get on my death bed, i am still hoping I can at the very least say: I lived. Traveled everywhere, meet numerous people, tried every food, explored every emotion, tried every sexual position😉. I want to say i got the most out of existence even if I don't have a grand impact. At least I tried too and that's enough for me. Because the thing is, even though I want to have a huge impact, I don't want to be famous. I like my privacy. I mean, it would be cool to get the external validation for a hot minute, but then after a couple of weeks then it will get old. I mean you look at people like Will smith or others and with there estate, they probably have so much security on there payroll and let's be honest, I could use that money for something else. And if I am being honest, I mentally fell apart with the MCA and that wasn't as nearly big as something like say Amazon so could I have the mental strength to hold it together if it did get that big with Chat by the lake? Who knows. I know most people would say " Don't let that stop you!" And it isn't but it's something to think about.
I think I was fine until i dated someone and then it all came crashing down. Because like I said, Managing a relationship is mentally and emotionally hard or at the very least, it seems so. In terms of examples of healthy long term relationships when i look around me, I think I could only think of my hype partner from William Sonoma who has a long term relationship for a couple of years, but in my family, I got nothing. Everyone is either single or in a new relationship that is still relatively new. So having a strong relationship that last years, doesn't seem realistic. I could be wrong. I talked to someone at work that seems to be in a healthy long term relationship, but based on what they told me, they got cheated on first. Like I said, the odds don't seem good. In terms of careers, I tried applying for print and marketing job or something at a print shop because it seems like something i could mentally handle in terms of customer service. (Staples didn't seem that bad, but William Sonoma put a very bad taste in my mouth.) In terms of careers, I could see myself moving up in the business. It seemed like a good idea. I was thinking of doing this and Amazon to get some extra money because $400 dollars a week wasn't cutting it. However, no one hired me. All my applications was turned down. So I tried. Now, I am not giving up. But this shows how i am putting my best foot forward. We'll, at this point, that seems like everything. It's been a while so I had to get quite a few stuff off my chest. I will return when I have something to share.
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