glonk

Last night I had a dream about an ex who was particularly damaging to my perception of love and pain and how they intersect. They were taking me around an amusement park which stands out to me because it’s the first place I had a mental breakdown in front of them. I frantically looked at the place where I held him crying and begging him not to hate me and then back to the present them and the strange approximation of their face I felt a actual real life panic and fear. they were supposed to be yelling at me I’ve had dreams like these for years and for the first time they were looking at me with something other than disgust or disdain and I hated it. I felt like the walls would all fall down and they would stop pretending to like me and say the quiet part out loud but they didn’t, they couldn’t or they wouldn’t. It felt like I the moment after you get the wind knocked out of you but suspended over multiple hours of hacking and coughing and gasping for air but they just kept smiling at me I felt like I was going to die. I woke up in cold sweats unable to remember where the dream started or ended and It hit me all at once that I never loved the person they were I loved how freely they hurt me. I loved every second of the anger and lying and choking and I think that’s supposed to terrify me but I keep sitting here thinking that i want that to happen again but so much worse. I want to fight for my life in a relationship I want to have a real life reason to want to blow my head off. I want to live in the hellraiser cube with a wife who wants me dead. I want to be hurt so bad I can never even think about living ever again I want my senses to be completely overloaded with persistent electric agony every day for the rest of my life I want to be so drowned in reasons why that I never have to explain myself ever again and the thought of loving someone who truly loves me is so far in the periphery of my mind that the suggestion makes me feel sick and when I die I want to be put in a coffin sized sterile glove box where people can touch and grope me and disregard the fact that this body was ever even human at all

very atmospheric + cool

DONGUS MY GOAT