Today i threw up blood for the first time

I knew what would happen to me if i kept going

You know why i stopped there?

I suddenly understood what got me here

I suddenly wanted to pick up my phone and say “i am so sorry” to my boyfriend, my sister, my parents and the friends i no longer have

I suddenly realized why i wouldn’t be able to recall the faces of people i’ve talked with for the past 17 months, only what diet i was on then and how many calories i’d eaten that day

All i have lost, i have lost to this. Food. My bf has a girlfriend that prioritieses food more than him, my sister has a little sister that couldn’t come to her graduation because she had eaten too much and felt fat that day, my parents has a daughter that lies about the money she asked for so she could “buy groceries for the week” and instead bought crap food so she could purge it up and wonder what happend to her and her life all whilst looking down at bloody vomit.