Glee's World

Does part of being Dom means they need to act insensitive and unempathetic towards your feelings?

I quickly responded with a simple - Absolutely *not*. That isn’t Dominance that’s being an asshole! 

I realized from other aspects of the conversation that this person is new to D/s and is unclear about what healthy dominance and/or loving Dominance can look like. So I asked if they were okay with me sharing this question anonymously in a post and letting other people give their replies to it as well, as I thought getting more responses from others may be helpful to them and they agreed. So please feel free to comment on this post with your answer to that question. I think seeing a lot of responses from the community can be more beneficial than simply hearing one person’s response. 

Here is a more thorough explanation from my point of view. 

Healthy D/s requires a high level of emotional labor on both sides. It requires deep and sometimes difficult conversations about what each person needs from the other, as well as personal boundaries, triggers and limitations. It requires a commitment to finding ways to balance the needs, wants and limits of both people. 

When talking about kink, some people may sexually be into the idea of a dom acting insensitive or unempathetic of the submissive feelings. That can be part of degradation or humiliation or emotional sadomasochism play. But in my opinion, those types of things if used in a dynamic should be strictly limited to play. Because it’s one thing to act insensitive of the submissive feelings for a mutual turn on. But if you truly don’t care about your submissive feelings…then that’s selfish and shitty. Why would a submissive want to submit to someone who truly didn’t care about their feelings? 

It often makes me happier to prioritize CD’s desires over my own. So while I recognize that being in a D/s relationship means I don’t get everything I want…that he will tell me ‘no’ sometimes when I really want a ‘yes’, or do things ‘his way’ over my way often…that dynamic IS what I want. I want ‘his way’ over my own desires in many cases. However,  my ability to want to please him and submit to him is directly tied to feeling loved and cared for by his dominance. I know that I can let him make the decisions and still have my needs met, and that my desires won’t always be ignored either. 

As Amy said, I think a lot of this comes down to wants vs needs. My Dominant is never insensitive to my needs—my need to feel loved, understood, valued… This means he listens attentively and works to understand what I need and why, both in general and how that differs from moment to moment. I always know that my feelings are a priority for him.

Now, that doesn’t mean I always get what I want. But there’s a difference between wants and needs. Take these two situations. In situation 1, I am happy and fulfilled and reading a book on a Saturday afternoon. He comes over, lifts up my skirt, and starts to fuck my ass. Now, I may have been really into my book and may have preferred to keep reading. But that’s a want, not a need. And so he can be “insensitive” to that want and do what he chooses, because that’s how we have decided for our dynamic to work.

—

James Clear (via like-i-need-a-hole-in-my-head)

I have a lot of friends and family who live on the East Coast and so I watch with not a little trepidation as the frenzy of preparations in advance of hurricane Florence occur. A Cat 4 hurricane is nothing to underestimate, and if there’s a chance she could turn in your direction you want to be ready!

Living more than a suitable safe distance away, I found myself contemplating the intricacies of the dance that occurs when a hurricane is ramping up. The predictions of the expected wind speeds when it makes landfall, the direction it will take and where it will in fact land, the velocity with which it will get there… All these predictions are used by the potential victims to determine what risks they might be facing and what actions to take to mitigate them. The reality, of course, is that predictions are just that, not facts, and can be wrong. At any moment it can be discovered that any number of details were off and in fact entirely different state is at risk.

Perhaps one of the most fascinating things about a hurricane is actually when it does hit, and you have weathered it to the point where you are now sitting in the eye. Where a moment before you were enduring winds in excess of a hundred miles an hour, now the air is completely and utterly still.

I realized tonight that in many ways, the D/s relationship is actually like a hurricane.  Many subs, like myself, have difficulty quieting their minds, instead repeatedly experiencing an inevitable frenzied assault of the chaos that so often tends to consume or overwhelm them.

In steps the Dom.

As we frenetically bounce from one thing to another,  He gives us structure, a method to deal with the chaos. He is both the weatherman, reading the climate and making predictions, and the National Guard - putting a plan in place to mitigate risks.

As I thought through the scenario,  I realized He is also the hurricane.  Or rather. He is a specific part of the hurricane… As we are swirling messes,  in our lives, in our heads, ruled by chaos, overwhelmed, along comes the Dom with structure,  rules, help. He gets us into a better place to deal with such chaos….

It struck me…

He is the hurricane’s eye.  

Everything goes still when He is in control.  My mind, finally quieted, lets go of all those things I couldn’t before.  I relax in a way never before possible. The trust I have with Him allows all of this…

He is the eye of my hurricane.

This is Timeless....

It was written in 1869 by Kathleen O’Meara:

And people stayed at home

And read books

And listened

And they rested

And did exercises

And made art and played

And learned new ways of being

And stopped and listened

More deeply

Someone meditated, someone prayed

Someone met their shadow

And people began to think differently

And people healed.

And in the absence of people who

Lived in ignorant ways

Dangerous, meaningless and heartless,

The earth also began to heal

And when the danger ended and

People found themselves

They grieved for the dead

And made new choices

And dreamed of new visions

And created new ways of living

And completely healed the earth

Just as they were healed.

Reprinted during Spanish flu

Pandemic, 1919

WHAT THE FUCK

THIS IS FUCKING BLACK MAGIC AND I NEED TO KNOW JUST

this literally is just how the women of India wear traditional clothing. The cloth itself is maybe a slightly different dimension, it looks bigger maybe, I’m not an expert by any means, but I do have some additional information for you.

The saree, or sari (or sometimes shari) is simply a panel of textile that has over 80 recorded methods of draping or wrapping – its origins date back nearly 5 thousand years, and the word itself is based on an old sanskrit word meaning “strip of cloth”

there are many instructional booklets and video tutorials and things on how to drape them various ways

Saris are usually woven with one plain end (the end that is concealed inside the wrap), two long decorative borders running the length of the sari, and a one to three-foot section at the other end which continues and elaborates the length-wise decoration. 

they are often very colorful and vibrant, and can be deigned so that when you wrap them different ways, different colors and patterns are featured. They are usually worn over a sort of bodice/shirt called a choli, which is what is on the top half of this mannequin

Famously worn in India, this same or similar style of attire is found in many other countries also, such as Cambodia, Thailand, Myanmar, etc

Choosing your quarantine character

I am in awe at times of how his family was able to function "normally/traditionally" vs. how my family was in survival mode, every single day, year after year, plus into my adult years.

I’ve been sitting on this ask for a long time so I could think it over, and I think I have an answer:

Respect: I would look for someone who is respectful and who also expects and inspires respect from others. Not someone who loudly demands it, but someone who seems to command it. This is someone you listen to because you want to, not because you have to.

Thoughtfulness: More than someone who is courteous and respectful, look for someone who demonstrates a great deal of forethought and foresight. This person anticipates future needs and challenges and makes plans to deal with them when they arise. This person isn’t panicking every time a problem comes up, they’re stepping in and manning the helm, calmly steering the ship through the storm.

Responsibility: This person takes their responsibilities seriously, and they are aware of both their strengths and weaknesses. They freely admit their mistakes and they are able to communicate what they’ve learned from them and what changes have or will be made to correct the problem going forward.

Committed: This person isn’t jumping from one fad to another, constantly dropping commitments to do other things, and their word is their bond. If they tell you you’re going to do something, you can bet they’re going to do it.

Empathy/Sympathy: Look for someone who can see what motivates people, how people might feel about things, and who helps people to do and feel better. Having a great deal of emotional intelligence and the ability to see things from other perspectives is invaluable in setting goals, rewarding behaviors, and issuing punishments.

Quiet Confidence: This person isn’t standing atop the mountain so they can make everyone look up to them, they’re there because they wanted to prove to themselves they could climb it. They don’t have to convince anyone of their capabilities except for themselves, and challenges are seen as a way to test their abilities and make improvements. They tend to seek out challenges purely because they enjoy pitting themselves against the challenge and finding ways to win.

Patience: Not to say that this person never gets irritated or frustrated with themselves or others, but they are able to balance this desire for results with a realistic view of events. They know that true change is a product of consistent, effective effort over time. You do the right thing as often as possible for as long as it takes and results are sure to follow.

Consistent: This person is not mercurial; they are the same person today as they will be tomorrow with the exception of lessons learned. You know what to expect from them and you know you can depend on them to deliver time and again.

Inquisitive: This person demonstrates an intellectual curiosity and is willing to ask questions and seek out advice and information in order to gain understanding and insight. They don’t just assume that they know something, they do the work and the research. They acknowledge and respect the people who have paved the way in these fields and seek to build on these foundations instead of vainly seeking to prove others wrong.

Compassionate Accountability: They are going to hold themselves and others accountable, but they are going to do so in a way that acknowledges the progress made as well as the difficulty of the task. If the results are less than intended, they want to know why, but it is so it can be corrected next time. They seek to find ways to build on success instead of just tearing down those around them.

A great resource page from Eve Rickert, co-author of More Than Two.