give me back my lighter

today I did my first crow pose.

So yesterday I was trying on dresses for my friend’s upcoming wedding and?? When did I suddenly look so awesome?? Hah. That first one, seriously, SUPER PRETTY and it fits so well I don’t even really understand it. But also SUPER tight which won’t be comfortable for an entire wedding if I also want to eat, drink, etc (and I really do). The second one I’m absolutely in love with though; perfectly fitted at the waist, great length, beautiful flare, great colors (it’s hard to see but it’s basically green leaves with small details of pink and yellow flowers). I’m getting it today and it’s such a weight off my shoulders, I’ve been way too stressed out about needing a dress for this occasion and not being able to find anything I absolutely loved. I love this one. 

Hi, I'll probably ramble a lot in this post but I've been giving a lot of thought to my diet and exercise lately and I want to put it in writing.

SO. Food. Glorious food. Since I hit the elusive ~goal~ weight (january '14) I've had these ridiculous cycles in my eating. Either I count calories and keep them pretty low, or I try and eat to "maintain" sort of intuitively. Neither really works for me anymore. They have their own set of issues; when I count calories I get too low, too scared of the numbers. Eating at a deficit for so long to lose weight was really neccesary (FOR ME!! ymmv) but now that I'm healthy and all that I shouldn't still be afraid of seing larger numbers of calories if/when I count them. And when I try to just eat, still keeping it relatively low carb (at least intending to do so), I end up actually gaining weight/fat again - it's always the same 5ish kgs that sit on my hips and stomach. I think I've lost touch with "maintaining" naturally. So the cycle has been: get where I want to be - stop counting calories - eat intuitively - gain weight - start counting calories again - etc. That's just not sustainable to me.

I WANT to be able to eat without counting calories but stay at the physical shape that I feel the best in. And I know I can do that, I've never even wanted to be super skinny and I stopped weighing myself long ago - the number doesn't count, but the way my jeans fit does. If I could get over the hangup on the number on the scale, I can get past this (whatever "this" is).

I've just reached the same point again where my jeans cut into my sides, I’ve counted calories, and I’m just about where I like to be. So now I would usually start eating “normally” again but this time, I’m going to count calories still. I’m just going to count calories at a higher amount this time. I’ve tried to figure out my TDEE and I’m going to track according to that. I need to teach myself what “maintaining” actually means for my body since apparantly I suck at it intuitively. I guess it makes sense since I gained weight in the first place and didn’t think I ate too much. 

I put my breakfast and lunch into the app this morning before even getting out of bed and the number sort of bugs me. It seems so high but I need to remember that yeah, obviously it seems high, I’m used to only count when I eat a deficit! 

Gah, this post is so long. I just really want to learn to eat like a normal person. My mindset is so great now (compared to what it has been) and I want my body and intuition to learn the same things.