Whims and Shenaniganary

do not entertain half loves, half friendships, half ass anything.

I just want someone who’s excited to make out with me and text me all the time.

My wife and I were cooking dinner together and when we sat down to eat she said, “You know what I like about you?” and so I obviously asked her what and she was like “With you, every night feels like Friday,” and it was so fucking cute. Why is she so nice to me.

i think it is good to warn people in advance about the circumstances that will cause you to bite them and i think that having given that warning it is good to follow through when the time comes

the rattlesnake is an admirable creature whose virtues we should emulate

One time at dance some rando grabbed me by the waist and told me to dance with him and I told him “if you don’t let go I’m going to bite you” and he didn’t let go so I bit him and that really should be the end of the story but he thought that was funny so I turned around and gave him a donkey kick to the shins and took about a 4 inch strip of skin with me so what I learned that day is when one is without debilitating venom, one must be as a horse do

“be as a horse do” is my new favorite colloquialism.

A moment of silence for this absolute legend. We should all carry on this practice in her honor.