The mistakes you make in the beginning of a relationship whether that be a friendship, romantic relationship, familial, etc. set the tone for the rest of the relationship. Whether we like it or not it’s difficult to “forgive and forget” so to speak. Especially when it’s in the very start.
In this instance, I’m referring to my own romantic relationship with Liebe. At the start, he made some detrimental mistakes that have effected our relationship then on. Admittedly I have troubles even trusting him at this point.
It’s weird too, because I can never tell if I’m justified in it or not. Mostly because a part of me believes that if someone can do it to you once, they are capable of doing it again. However, I also believe people don’t grow unless you give them the room to.
These are two very conflicting ideologies, and I never know when or where I draw the line. I have no answer as to what the “unless” between those two statements is.
When I met Liebe, I quickly learned he had someone he referred to as his “Future Wife”. He had already come to terms with the fact that it would never actually happen though. When we refer to her, I guess we can call her “Insecurity” because she has been the basis of all of my insecurities in my relationship with Liebe.
I feel that Liebe genuinely feels remorseful for the things he put me through early on, but the unfortunate thing is once I’ve been hurt in a specific way, I can’t trust that it won’t happen again.
It’s especially hard when I alrway have PTSD, because my amygdala is already overdeveloped and hypersensitive. Things that normal people would just get over, feel beyond traumatic for me. Things that normal people can just let go of, I hold onto. They get to haunt me in my weakest moments.
When Liebe and I got together it was immediately following the relationship I had with Control. There wasn’t much room inbetween.
Control and I had our own apartment together. When I broke up with him, he and I were in an open relationship. I didn’t start seeing Liebe or anything during our relationship especially because the rule was that it couldn’t be with someone Control knew. And he knew Liebe, since he saw him around the Sadness Factory.
Even though I had paid for the entirety of the deposit on the apartment Control and I had together, I ended up abandoning ship because I couldn’t handle the emotional abuse he had started putting me through. I didn’t have anywhere to go and Liebe was kind enough to let me move in. He offered me an out and a safe space.
I stayed with Liebe until a few months in when we broke up. I was having troubles jumping right back into something else as it wasn’t my typical style. Not to mention all of the shit Liebe started putting me through.
Liebe hadn’t been in a relationship in four years. Getting used to that change was difficult on him. If anything I try to be understanding.
But it was difficult. He would be out at the bar until 2am without warning, I would have no idea where he was or what was going on. And I was still very aware of his feelings for Insecurity.
Liebe didn’t really open up to me, and he didn’t really spend any actual time with me. Which quality time for me has always been a need in a relationship.
Understand that I’m not trying to paint Liebe as a Villain here. He hurt me, but he is human. And the older I get the more I realize everyone will let you down and hurt you in some way at some point. Especially when you’re sensitive like me.
I left him, and ended up sleeping on the couch of a coworker for a few months. In that time frame, my ex who we can call “Colorado” and I were in the process of repairing things. He was my ex before Control and I got together, and the person who had left me the most damaged in some ways. I loved him deeply and felt as if he was my first true love.
Colorado was stationed in well, Colorado. Meanwhile I was in Idaho.
I was always honest with Colorado, but I was so far from perfect to him. I recognize he tried to repair the damages he had even done. He tried to call me regularly and listen to me. He tried to be there for me in every way he could. He had his things that I really just couldn’t get past because he wasn’t perfect. But no one really is.
While I was repairing things with Colorado, Liebe and I still remained in contact. But things were difficult with him.
I still had stuff to reclaim from his place. I ended up going there to get it and everything seemed fine. We talked and I explained how I was silly and accidentally purchased 40 joints, because I thought the packs I bought only had five each.
He said he would buy some off of me, and I told him there was no need. He could just have them. When I grabbed my stuff and had almost all of it packed to go, he hugged me goodbye. The hug felt like an eternity and every part of me wanted to cry. He held me tight and I could tell he didn’t want to let go.
I didn’t want him to let go either. And just as I was about to start crying he made a joke and we both laughed.
A few weeks later, I brought Liebe the joints. I drove about 30 minutes to come drop these off, which to me wasn’t a big deal.
I knocked on the door, stepped in momentarily to hand them off, and turned to walk out before he told me I didn’t need to go so soon since I drove all the way out there.
“There’s a concert tonight that my friend is playing, and we can go to that.”
Deep down I knew this was his way of making amends for never doing anything with me or spending time with me. But I agreed to go.
I told Colorado what I was doing so he would understand that I wasn’t trying to be shady. He understood and he was fine with it.
The entire time we were there was difficult, I was uncomfortable. I still had feelings for Liebe. We sat at the table, and we didn’t really say much. I wanted to touch him, I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted things to be the way they used to be. I just knew better than that, and I was supposed to be repairing the relationship I had with Colorado.
Eventually we left, he stuck a sticker to the dashboard of the car. And I remember always looking at it whenever I was in the car, fondly. Even though it was not my car. But the owner, explicitly expressed she did not care.
I still had things to grab from Liebe and so a few weeks went by and I had asked Liebe if I could get them. The way he treated me was so much colder. His best friend started talking to me semi-regularly which I didn’t really think anything of it. Mostly because I had no ulterior motives behind talking to him.
Liebe would periodically message me upset that I was talking to his friend, which at that point I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he even cared because we weren’t together.
The thing that Liebe still had was a set of bedsheets. I know you’re probably thinking, “Big fucking deal. They’re just sheets.” Except I’m weird and my sheets are important to me, especially when they’re of a higher thread count. I love nice linens. Probably due to how I was raised or something.
Eventually I went to recover them. He was supposed to wash them, but I lost hope on that happening and just went a grabbed them from him myself. It was frustrating waiting for him to get around to it, and with the way he was treating me I wanted to cut ties.
Or that’s what I thought anyways. I grabbed the sheets and he handed them over and practically slammed the door in my face. Which I never understood, and honestly when I think about it I feel it had something to do with Insecurity.
Shortly after, I messaged him asking what changed after the concert. Why had he started being so cold. His response was something along the lines of him feeling I wasn’t ready to be friends or something which never made any fucking sense to me.
Eventually, the coworker I was residing with needed to rehome a litter of kittens. And the one that had trouble finding a home, I offered to Liebe because I knew he would take good care of her.
I brought her over, again with Colorado knowing who I was with and where I would be. I hung out and gave her time to warm up to her environment and Liebe had just gotten done with a road trip to see family for some disheartening reasons.
His best friend and I sat outside the apartments bullshitting and discussing various things while we smoked our cigarettes.
Meanwhile I was receiving messages from Liebe like “You guys are being loud”, and then once I quieted down, “You guys are awfully quiet out there, are you making out?” And a handful of other shitty messages.
We made our way back in after smoking like five cigarettes.
Liebe was in the living room, and I asked him if we could have an actual conversation and talk things out like adults.
I explained to him that I didn’t stop having feelings for him. And that him acting jealous was crap. He calmed down, and asked to lay his head in my lap so I could rub his back and I had no problem with that. I still cared for him.
He and I talked and shared music as we typically did. He accused me of having a broad taste in music and I was a little offended but it was nice for he and I to just be getting along without any weirdness.
Admittedly, this is when I should have left. It was about one or two in the morning, and I should have gone home. But Liebe offered to let me stay since it was so late. And to him, I was still single. There was no one else.
These are things I still feel guilty for.
Liebe has always been my Achilles heel. That night I ended up sleeping with him. I left feeling like a sack of shit.
I did try to turn him down on multiple occasions, but I fell victim to seduction.
The next day, I immediately called Colorado and explained what happened. I couldn’t be dishonest, and I couldn’t hide my actions from him.
He begged me to get help because these things weren’t like me, and my mental health was a rapid decline. He just wanted to see me be the best version of myself, but he recognized I was self destructing. I agreed to start therapy again even though I had always been opposed to it after negative experiences from my childhood.
I told him I would and that I was sorry, he even gave me the opportunity to fix things. Which I never deserved in the first place.