Ghost Regalia

I feel under duress

I got some catching up to do....not really. Being current or “on top of new shit” is fucking over-rated. Good art will always wait for you and quite honestly we’re in an era where anyone can cultivate their own personal aesthetic experience in spite of mainstream leanings, counter culture mannerisims, or god forbid contrarian hipster-esque pissing contest. Like what you like. Respect or Ignore what you don’t. Oft times you’re pushing people away when you do the opposite. And due to us being ever changing organisms the shit you might not like or vibe with may be something you’re about down the line........maybe?

Probably the only album this year I’ve been excited for after discovering. The world slowly drifting to ruin with no way of knowing if it’ll actually crest has left me sort of out of sorts when it comes to actually finding art that I connect with. However with recent personal developments and direction I’m finding it easier to enjoy things i use to at a higher emotional capacity....

Eh I had decided to actually blog/journal/write down what it was i was going through psychologically to better keep myself within bounds...to keep my hands upon the reigns. However with the help of some talks, fateful encounters, meditation, and a shit ton of reflection I suppose I forgot to keep up with the habit.  In spite of this I’m loads better than I was initially on that day. Once i realized just precisely what it was that made me react that way it was pretty easy to pull myself out of it. For lack of a better word I guess you could say all of that was because I am human. Love tends to make you forget that if you don’t actually maintain yourself and keep tabs on your mentality. We’ve been conditioned to give ourselves in total to those we are in love with and that’s just not healthy I’m coming finding out....even if you perceive it coming from a good place. You cut off a limb for the sake of another when you could’ve helped otherwise prevents you from aiding in more serious endeavors. I was about that life for the sake of someone elses happiness and comfort to a fault.....but i don’t regret it at all. I know now not to put myself in that position again but to actually make myself stronger in whatever to help myself as well as aid those I care about more efficiently. Kinda sucks that I had to go through something so painful but in retrospect I wouldn’t change a thing. It gave me the power to be my own trigger as opposed to being super reactive and damaging to myself and those i love./ Love doesn’t fade it just transfers. But you can’t love if you don’t constantly try to grow independent of another. Hard lesson to learn but I won’t be forgetting if for as long as live. 

I’m dealing a bit better with a little distance. I still haven’t vacated but I imagine my pain will subside once i’m with my friends in the city i loathe. Set backs aren’t always a bad thing. I was going to make this jump anyway but i had not anticipated that I would be carrying this extra baggage.  I’m learning to get comfortable with the idea of not being tied to the one love. I don’t even forsee these feelings giving way anytime soon but for my own sanity i must act like it’s the case. It’s the hardest thing to do. It was hard even attempting to leave her due to my financial woes and lack of a decent job market but perhaps i should’ve left and saw where that went. Perhaps I wouldn’t be in limbo between giving up on her or giving into not ever seeing her again. I’m not afraid of being alone. I think I exceed exceptionally well when I’m alone with my own thoughts and ambitions. I still pursued them while i was with her but maybe i was relying on her too much for validation and confidance. She was my support system in every way for a while and I have always felt bad about it but we couldn’t bear to seperate our existences for the greater good. I guess this is our just desserts. Confusion,messy emotions, deciet in 2 kinds, sorry, longing, depression, a fear of not enjoying the same things you use to while together. It’s a heavy load. Last time this sort of thing happened I wasn’t really affected too much. I was ok with giving up on a relationship that had ran it’s course. I was rewarded by meeting someone who I would find as the most beautiful, kind, loving, smart, and just all around pure person I had ever encountered. I’ve not wanted anyone else in this capacity for a long time, even during the duration of our relationship. Sure knowing someone is attractive is cool but i was never willing to throw away something i found so pure for something i was uncertain of. I was comfortable. Too comfortable. I let this comfort cloud my judgement. I shut myself off from time to time due to this.I didn’t engage in things she enjoyed as often. I was stubborn. I didn’t try hard enough to make her happy despite her mental issues. I should’ve expected this and been more present. I should’ve done everything in my power to make her happy. But i’m finding that grappling with my own problems which seeped into her was not productive. No wonder she felt stuck. I wasn’t evolving fast enough. She doesn’t even want to look at me and I’m only feeling a fraction of what she does every single day. My how I’ve taken you for granted. oh how i’ve been too foolish to know. I’m sorry. I’m 1000 times sorry........i just want to make you happy but if me being out of your life is the only way then i have no choice but to accept it in time. I don’t know if i should give up or give in. I don’t know what choice I’ll ultimately make.......I just know that I love her more than i can express in words. I love how she changes her hair every other week. I love that she is passionate about an art form and strives to be as best as she can be at it. I love how she is so giving and attentive to her friends and family even though she goes through mental turmoil everyday. I love that her mind is as open as the horizons I can only imagine to new forms of thought, learning, expressing. I love that even though she may feel bad she tried to put a smile on my moppey face and how i regret not returning it in kind. I know it’s not my fault but i just can’thelp feeling it. 

5. Feeling like burden sometimes around friends most unaware that I was indeed not ok with trusting or confiding in people. They tell me I’m not but I just never know what people are thinking....even when I ask......I’m always doubtful of everything. 6. The death of my close friend from college who I’ve try to keep in my heart and memories. She was the first one I was actually forced to be open with. In fact she dragged me kicking and screaming to the notion. I was able to share my passions and feelings with everyone we had met together during our time at ECU. I found myself with friends of all different shades almost instantly being around her and sharing in her energy and evoking it. She would always know when i was sad for some reason. Perhaps because we shared a birthday and were linked in that way. I don’tknow but she always made me see the brighter side of things.. she would also check me when iwas clearly being an asshole which comes naturally due to my perhaps disdain or fear of humanity at large.  7. Cutting off my romance with my first love. We were too immature to navigate our relationship and i gave up without asking the right questions. It’s a good thing i did though because i would’ve given up on pursuing the one I loved in this life time.  8. Failing to love Kryss in the way she needed. Not understanding that this was out of my control and losing myself in it. Not holding her when she needed it most. Listening to her cries to go when i should’ve stayed. Maybe not being emotional or open enough. I still cry over this from time to time because she distracted me from the negative ways i felt about the world. Maybe I was bringing her down to much. I don’t know. I just know i Love her with all my heart. I don’t know if i’ll be able to move on from someone who’s done so much for me and loved me so much. Depression sucks and i now know only a fraction of what she goes through every day. I just wish i could’ve been the one to make her happy. I feel I’ve made a grave mistake.....