WhatIReallyWant2Say

Growing up alone lived learned how to comfort my self. I've learned how to talk my self off the edge. But I don't think I'm mentally prepared to have to do so anymore. I'm going back on the meds. Im gonna start writing. And Im cutting it all out. If you won't show up for me when I need you. I won't show up ever again. I'm too good to be dealing with the stupid idea I need to prove my worth to some. If I have to keep convincing you should make space for you, you have informed me in that second you don't see the value in me. I'm done chasing. Im done fighting. I won't show up. For any of you. You want to dim my light? No. Go leach off of someone else's goodness. Not mine. Not anymore. My problem is I could always see why people responded the way they did. I always allowed it to be enough of a reason to put me down in the process. Truth is, it never was. I can understand your pain, but that will never justify you putting it onto me. All those years. Alone. In so much pain. Alone. I've always been alone. But I will always make sure I'm okay. I would rather suffer in silence then ever let in a half ass friend. I won't be showing up to any more family Holidays. I'm not gonna smile in front of everyone when the truth is I hate them all for never caring enough to check in. That's why I didn't reach out when I heard about all your problems. I knew. but you don't deserve it. None of your ever did

I just wanted you to comfort me. Tell me you wanted to hear my darkest thoughts. And tell me it’s okay. That I can fall and you would make sure to pick me back up. That if I didn’t want to be here anymore for my self to be here for you. You didn’t do any of that. You told me I had to be strong. My feeling weren’t me. That I needed to think. If I couldn’t stop the racing thought that that was on me.. I sat there and did everything I could to support you and you abandoned me. You didn’t even call after. You want so much and can’t even manage to be a decent friend. I regret calling you. Opening my self to you. I in feel embarrassed. Like you don’t even take me seriously. It’s fine really. Ur like everyone else. Take what u can and leave at the slightest convenience.

I’m really getting tired of having to reel my self back in. No matter who it is, I always feel let down.

Being picked last is something I should be used to by now

I keep seeing you in my head. Tubes. Lines. Blood.

After every thing you can’t even get off the phone. You can’t even just spend the little time u have left with me. It’s always about someone else. You think I’ll always be here. Just waiting. I’m ur entertainment. Your nurse. Your help. Your maid. Your cook. Your wallet. I’m nothing but the dumb girl that keeps letting you push me aside. You said you don’t know how to be there for me. Just lay tf down. Hold me. Play with my hair. It’s not hard to be a decent support system. All I’ve realized from this is, I will always put u first and make sure you’re okay. You will always forget about me.

I wonder when you will notice a piece of me died. I did everything I could. It wasn’t enough. I never want to give that again. I’m done being second in everyone’s life. I’m not sure what to say so I’ve been silent. My head hurts so bad. My stomach burns. My body is exhausted. I’m scared to fall asleep while you’re here. I’m scared that if you go to the bathroom you won’t come back out. I’ve never been so anxious. I don’t feel okay. I’m not sure what to do. I hate that it took this for you to realize everyone loves you. And I hate that in doing so you traumatized me.

Idk what to do anymore. I don’t want food. I don’t want sleep. I don’t want water. I don’t want music. Or touch. I want solitude. I want to ball up and never feel anything again. I only live for my parents. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here rn.