Our Little New Atomic Age

Okay I hit the very bottom again I fainted three times but no concussion this time!! Called my friend who dropped everything at 9am to come to my house and watch me throw up, and he caught me one time when I passed out and started shaking a lot. But then I taught grade 1 online, and the whole time he stayed out of sight on my bed ready to catch me if I fainted out of my chair. I didn’t. When I was done he like held onto me and I know I was so sweaty and gross and scared. I can ask for help when I’m scared. And then. The guilt. Because every month I try to create boundaries but this was my closest friend for almost ten years and when I get scared I know he’ll come and not be weird, and then next time we hang out he’ll make it weird again. It’s like if there was a situationship without the sex. It’s a friendsuationship. No one else in my life likes him but when I’m fainting every hour who do I call. It’s tricky. Well, I got better. I got better and called my mom and she said “go for a walk so you don’t spiral” and I did and it was Great Advice. Everything is going to be okay. I just have to work harder be kinder boundary better and stop. Fainting. My body when it doesn’t have enough water just wants to be dead, it turns out.

I went to my doctor today to tell him about how my new medication is not! Working! And how I am facing strange new occasionally debilitating rage that festers inside me and then releases in passive aggressiveness to people I care about and I said this and then he said, well do you want to change to something else? And I said, it’s only been seven days. I don’t know what to do. He laid out all the options and I second guessed and said “I guess I’ll wait it out for another week?” And he very skeptically and kindly looked at me and said, even if you want to change tomorrow, that’s okay. It’s okay if you want to change this evening. Just call the office. Which I thought sounded very nice. Then I walked home and realized I’m not fooling anyone. I’m not fooling him, that’s for sure. Then I immediately became silently enraged at my coworker and had to listen to “Sangsu Station” 5 times in a row. It’s a great very silly song to calm down to. And now I think I have to change my medication.

Every single fucking time I do the thing I regret the thing. Every time. And I do it anyway because I get so mad and someone hurts my feelings and I can’t cope so I do the stupid thing. And it always always always bites me. Every time. And now I’m stuck hanging up on someone who is saying in the smallest softest voice “happy birthday” and I get home and I cry and I cry and it’s my birthday. And it’s my fault. And I can’t turn it around now.