amelia blogs. . .

One of our writers needs your help.

Friends,

One of our brilliant, insightful, wise, and caring writers for The Parents Project, Amelia, is reaching out for help after a series of tragic events in her family life. Amelia has been a fearless advocate for the entire LGBTQIA community, using her voice to give advice to parents all over the world, and never asking for anything in return.

We hope you consider donating and/or sharing the link to Amelia’s GoFund Me page. Asking for help is one of the hardest and most vulnerable things we can do in this life, and we believe with all our hearts in Amelia’s strength and ability to persevere. 

xo,

My dear friend (and also Marketing Director at @riptidepublishing and also a beloved LGBTQ community figure and contributor to @huffingtonpost‘s Gay Voices) is having a very, very hard time right now, and I want to do more to help her.

To that end, I will do a free professional critique of your pitch package* or first 10 pages of your manuscript or fanfiction to everyone who donates at least $25 to her GoFundMe. Just send your donation receipt to [email protected] and let me know what you’d like me to review. (Please allow some time for this; it may take a couple weeks.)

If you don’t know me, I run Riptide Publishing, and have been working editorial in publishing for eleven years (I’ve done time at Avalon and Pearson, as well as indie houses, and obviously at Riptide, which is an award-winning, critically acclaimed LGBTQ house). I’ve read literally tens of thousands of queries, and I know what makes one catch an editor’s eye. Same with opening pages. I love helping people reach their dreams, and if we can help Amelia be safe and secure in the process, well, that seems super win-win to me :)

*If manuscript pages are a part of your query, I will not review these. Pitch package review focus is on the query letter (intro, blurb, author bio) and synopsis.

Before marriage equality was the law of the land, @getstooobsessed and @littlebluemaxrebo helped me marry @cggardner.

They have hit a rough patch and could use a hand. 

Donate if you are able, signal boost if you are inclined to do so.

thanks so much

“My teenage son is gay, and he has always been on the heavier side. I’ve noticed that this seems to make him self-conscious at times, and as much as I hate to play into stereotypes (e.g. "Gay men are skinny!”), I worry about what could happen if he puts too much pressure on himself to be thinner. How can I help him?“

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Amelia 

—

Amelia Says:

This is an important question and, unfortunately, it can be a dangerous one as well.  

You are right to be concerned. As a society we have a huge stigma against people who weigh more than average. Among gay men this stigma is so much worse. Our culture tells young gay men that they should be perfectly fit, and healthfully slender with defined muscles. After all, if they go on any dating site, the words "no fat” are everywhere. I would suggest reading the essay “It Gets Better, Unless You’re Fat” by Louis Peitzman to get the full idea of how intense this stigma can be.

And the truth is that not everyone can have that body,  no matter how much he works out or how much kale he eats. People are all made differently, and that’s why it sucks when our standard of beauty tells us we should all be the same.

This struggle for the perfect body has definitely had a negative effect on the health of many gay men. First, young gay men have to deal with the stress of living in a homophobic society. Then we add to that the pressure to be a (sometimes impossible) physical ideal. It’s the perfect recipe for eating disorders. Young gay men are now developing anorexia at disproportionate rates. In one study by Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, more than 15% of gay men had experienced anorexia, bulimia, or a binge-eating disorder, compared to 5% of their straight counterparts. These conditions are a big deal. People die.

So where does this leave you, the parent of heavy-set kid? No place fun. Sometimes as parents we feel like we are tiptoeing through a field of landmines. It’s so easy to mess up and say something wrong that can hurt our kids. Body image is probably the biggest landmine out there. It’s hard to know how to step. Talking about your child’s size can draw attention to something he is already self-conscious about and make him feel worse. Over-encouraging him when he’s trying to lose weight can turn on you quickly if he fails in the attempt. Not only will he feel like he let himself down, but like he let you down, too. But saying nothing at all feels just as wrong.

Since your son is still a teenager, you can teach healthy eating habits and encourage healthy exercise. But know that any change is going to be up to him and only him. Another thing you can do is pay attention. If you think his obsession with being any particular body type is becoming a problem, talk with him about it. If you suspect your child is developing an eating disorder, talk to a doctor. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away, it just makes them worse.  

But above all else, just be his mom. As a parent, I think it is important to make sure our kids know that we always love them. Our love isn’t dependant on whether they are gay or straight, fat or thin, or anything else. We love them just as they are, and we are damn lucky to have them.

***

“My 13-year-old daughter recently told us that she was bisexual. She also told her friends at school. We have been supportive, and so have her friends. I just realized that she put on her Instagram bio that she is bi. I believe that due to her age, she should not be announcing any sexual preferences. We want to be supportive of her but we are also concerned that she will be bullied in school. Are we over-thinking this?”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Amelia

—

Amelia Says:

Parents worry about our kids. It’s what we do. Nothing is really going to stop us. Sometimes we worry about really silly things, like whether or not our children will ever be capable of using an “inside voice,” and sometimes we worry about serious stuff, like how our kid’s identity is going to affect their life.

As the mom of a young gay kid, I get it. It’s hard to know what to do. We want to be the best parents we can be, but how do we really do that? And how do we keep our own fears from making those decisions? I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t. Just like every other parent, I am stumbling along, trying to mess up my kids as little as I can. But I can tell you what I think and why.

Your daughter is out. She’s out to herself, to you, and to her friends. That is important, and good for her! And now she is telling the rest of the world (or at least her Instagram followers) in public. For you, as her parents, that probably feels like something really different and possibly even strange but I am guessing that to her, it feels about the same as telling her friends in person that she’s bi. Kids don’t feel the same away about social media as we old folks do. We see it as a proclamation and they see it as simply telling their friends, “Hey!”

I understand the desire to protect your kids online. I limit the online exposure of my own kiddos. I don’t show pics on Facebook or Twitter, and I don’t allow my kids to have public online accounts. That’s my choice, because I am the mom and I get to (with dad) make that decision. Every family has to make that decision for themselves.

The part of your question that gives me pause is this: I believe that due to her age, she should not be announcing any sexual preferences.

As adults of our generation (I am assuming you are in the 30-50 range because of the age of your kid), we look at orientation as something that is only sexual. We view it as something that is about the act of sex. But in truth, it’s not. At least that’s not all it’s about. Our orientation is about our feelings and attractions. It’s about who makes us blush and stammer. It’s about whose hand we want to hold at the movies. It’s about a lot of really, really innocent things that aren’t sex.

Your daughter didn’t put in her profile, “I am actively seeking out sex with [inset here].” It said she was bi. And that is as much a part of how she sees herself as the color of her hair and eyes. It’s something that just is. It’s not an invitation to sex.

When it comes to my kids, when something makes me uncomfortable, I try to figure out why, so I am going to ask you some questions here:

Are you worried that this will bring sexual advances she is not prepared for?

Are you worried that being out will have consequences she is not prepared for?

Are you worried that suddenly everyone will know?

I suggest a close examination of these questions and your fears.  

If your fears stem from the fact that she is 13 years old and there are some creepy-ass people online, then maybe the answer is make her Instagram account private, and for you to monitor her account.

If you are worried about the consequences of her being out, then maybe it is time to have a talk with your kid about some of the truly horrible things people think and say about LGBTQ people, and what her plan should be when she is faced with someone with those ideas.

But if your reasons are that you are scared that people will know she is bisexual, then maybe it is time for you to really examine that. If your daughter being bi is something you truly support, then you need to support her in this, too. She gets to make the decision on whether or not she is out on social media. And if you tell her that she is not allowed to tell people–not matter who they are–that she is bi, then what message will that that send her? Is that sending a message of shame or a message of pride?  Because she has nothing to be ashamed of.

My son has a T-shirt from the TV show Glee that says “Likes Boys.” My husband and I had lots of conversations before we bought the shirt for him (he begged us for the shirt), and we had more conversations afterwards. In the end, we decided that our fears didn’t get to be more important that his pride. We couldn’t live with ourselves if we were the ones who told him that he had to hide who he is.  That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t a paranoid weirdo the first few times he wore it in public…but I kept it on the inside.

As parents, we know just how horrible people can be. We’ve had a lot of years to watch it. But I don’t want my fears for my kids to ever be translated into shame of my kid. That’s the last message I want to send my kid, and I doubt you do either.

Good luck!

***

- Question submitted Anonymously and Answered by amelia —

amelia Says:

Ugh. Body issues are tough. I know. I’ve struggled with body issues my entire life. I am a plus-sized woman and have been since I was a teen. To be honest, it is something I still struggle with. And I’m a 38-year-old woman who has been happily married to a man for 16 years.

If you want your daughter to feel better about her body, make sure your daughter knows that you think she is beautiful. Compliment her and tell her the body she currently has is wonderful. And be prepared for it to not make a bit of difference. Unfortunately, society speaks to girls and women a lot louder than any mom. Your daughter may only respond by rolling her eyes and never take your words to heart, but at least your words will be out there. 

There might not be a lot of things you can do, but here are a few things you should never do:

Negatively comment on the weight of other people or yourself.  This reinforces people are judging her for her body. If you comment that you are fat and you are smaller than your daughter, think about the message that sends to her.

Suggest exercise plans, weight loss/gain plans, gym memberships, etc. This tells her that you think she looks bad, too.  Even if this is true, and that is how you feel, just don’t. If you are worried about your daughter’s health, still don’t. If she is an adult woman in this country and has body issues, she already knows. 

Tell her she has a pretty face. This tells her that the rest of her body is so bad, her face is the only thing you could think to talk about. 

Now let’s address your question about the relationship between your daughter’s body image and her sexuality. It is true that in some parts of the lesbian community there may be less of a stigma against women with less than svelte bodies. Women know what women’s bodies look like. Most women know that those airbrushed images on magazine covers are just that: images. How does this relate to your daughter? Does this relate to your daughter? The truth is I don’t know. Only your daughter has those answers.

But the real question is: does it even matter? I am a big believer in parenting the child you have today. Today your daughter identifies as a lesbian. Today she is a lesbian. As her mom, your job is support your lesbian daughter. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Whether you realize it or not, your question implies that there is. When you ask if her body image has effectively driven her to date women, you’re implying that dating men is better, as if dating men is the first and better option. It’s not better. It’s just different.

No matter what body issues she may be having, your daughter can be counted on for one thing: to be exactly who she is. And as her mom, what she wants and needs from you is your love and support. So love your daughter. Love everything about her. That includes her body, her insecurities and her orientation. All the parts of her are beautiful, even the parts she has trouble with, because she’s your daughter.

As your daughter grows and changes, as we all do with age and time, support who she is every day.  Don’t be waiting for a particular change or wanting one, but accept her for who she is.  Respect her enough to accept and celebrate who she tells you she is. Because who she is—that’s her question to answer, not yours. 

So parent the kid you have today.  Love her, celebrate her and make sure that she always knows you don’t want her to be anyone other than who she is.  And that you, her mom, will be there.  Always.

***

amelia is a mother, wife, partner and breadwinner. When not at the office she’s spending as much time as possible with her three young sons, husband and best friend. In her copious free time she knits, obsesses about science fiction and cult television, and reads way too many books. She considers her most superhero worthy act finding a couple free hours now and then to read trashy novels. Her post about the adventures of raising a young gay son are featured on Huffington Post. Read more by amelia right here.

Open Letter to Parents of Gay Kids: This Is Not About You | Amelia for the Huffington Post Gay Voices 

Tip: Don’t read the comments. Some of them are encouraging and heartfelt, but some of them are just…not. 

(via gaywrites)

So few parents get this though. it’s kind of heartbreaking to look back to your younger years and see what you had to endure. Still, it makes you the person you are today so there’s good and bad to it.

(via gay-men)