Geru-chan

I tried playing BOTW over these last three days and as much as I loved it when I played a few years ago, I was scared how it would hold up once I played TOTK. Specifically how playing TOTK would interfere with my experience in BOTW since there are so many new features that make playing the game much easier this time around. I was definitely right to be a little worried because I kept wanting to use fuse, ascend, and ultra hand a lot during my playthrough and getting frustrated and a little disappointed by the fact that those mechanics don't exist. I definitely loved the same feeling of getting a literal 'breath of the wild' vibe (I restarted the game) but it only really felt great on the great plateau. Once I cleared that and got to explore the full map, I just felt bored and uninterested. I know there's so much more to BOTW that I didn't experience on my first gameplay and I plan to continue trying to get as invested as before. I just need to separate my feelings between both games and enjoy what mechanics I have.

I think I see May extremely shamelessly. I feel like she started out as this version of me I could draw and project onto before becoming this beautiful young woman I like to draw in various ways hence why she's never the same when I draw her. Her core personality may remain the same but physically she's always subject to be a little different. I like that I can find photo references on Pinterest and think "Yes, that's her body type" and I like that I like to explore her anatomy through really pretty poses and whatnot.

I'm impressed by Link in this game as well because he has such a cool design and aura to his character. I'd love to draw him or write fanfiction but I'm holding myself back because I couldn't possibly do him justice. Anywho, good game.

I was thinking and my psychology degree is honestly useless. I think I can get by having it because I have common sense and a little knowledge but in the grand scheme of things I really can't do anything with that degree because it was mostly earned through cheating if all kind. I dunno if I'm guilty about it or not because I was honestly so stressed and done with college at some point that I would buy the necessary books and not even read them for the classes which was a giant waste of money on its own. My strategy was using the book when it was only necessary, like for assignments or papers with citations, and if I was asked questions I would usually lie or use whatever I picked up from lectures or common sense. I just feel like my whole college experience wasn't completely genuine and getting a job after all that feels exceptionally hard because the psychology based jobs look so big and intimidating and I know they are.

Maybe I'm just being plagued by uncertainty and a bit of emotion today.

I think it hit me while reading this manwha made by another artist, but what I understood is that it's nobody's business what I do with my life. I have these bouts of sadness where it does matter but right now it doesn't. So what if I live at home? It's my decision and if I really wanted to leave I would work harder to do so. But family is important, and although I tend to feel tied down by obligations and responsibilities it is my choice in the end -- It's like yes, I'd be the lowest of the low if I left my family astray but honestly I know they'd pull through without me because they have been for three years while I was at college. I visited and did what I could (did what I would honestly) and every single time my mother pulled through without me being around all the time. That alone shows that even if I wasn't around a lot she would be fine. All the time though? Maybe not -- I think I'm just stuck on the assumptions some people have about this. Like I need to have a job and I need to be doing something. I agree with it but really it doesn't matter. They're not me and I'm not them and at the end of the day all they have is words and personal achievements or long term goals they are pursuing to shove in my face. But guess what? I'm still going to do as I please because I really am just tired and don't feel like doing anything right now.

I think songs work too well when it comes to wanting to go places. Listening to Maine by Noah Kahan really puts me in the mood to disappear to Maine and experience it all alone.

When I lean forward my gut makes things uncomfortable. When I read webtoons I'm faced with emotions and lots of realizations. There are times when I'm out and around older people, people my age, and those just reaching a different kind of independence that I become more aware that I'm 23. I live at home with my grandmother and younger siblings and I'm the oldest but I feel reduced to what I used to be before everything -- I had plans before I went to college, I guess I've always valued independence but never really valued it -- I used to want my own car, an apartment, my own plants, my own pets, my own life and I still do but it's not realistic right now. I didn't consider the work you have to put in so I cheated through the rest of highschool and through college. I don't even deserve this degree I put so much work into because that work amounts to nothing really -- I think if I could have just been serious about everything, like really serious, things would be different. But at the same time I have obligations, I always have. And knowing my responsibilities and actively running from me have all culminated into this ongoing cycle of self deprecation and the like -- Like it's really not that bad but it's just not what I want. I want to be selfish and I am doing that too but I also need to be mindful which I also am. I feel like a walking contradiction but that contradiction doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things because I live at home in my room doing what I want day by day and being miserable because I'm not doing anything worth being anything -- I looked for jobs before I left college and in the beginning of being back home but it's all fizzled out now. No one accepts me, not within the major I studied for nor the other jobs like a car wash attendant or store associate. I can't even commit to doing any freelance jobs because I hate looking at my computer now which is ironic because I read webtoons on my phone all the time -- I'm not sure when this will end. It makes me feel miserable but then that feels pointless because I'm comfortable and being taken care of. It's embarrassing because I'm not what I was when I was alone at college. I don't have the same freedoms when there's less money and I don't have a job. And I can't even get a job because we have no gas money, I can't seem to get a job to have gas money, and I just don't know what to really do -- I guess I'm just tired and confused.

Sometimes I think about it and it makes me feel a bit sad. Or maybe not sad but bothered. I don't know how to be nice back and genuinely put my all into it. Maybe that's why when I talk to people sometimes it's really awkward -- When I really think about it, I don't really want things to be done for me. I don't want to be asked how my day was and actually explain it. I don't even want to ask in return -- It seems rude to put it this way but I'm not saying I don't want it in a general sense. Just a serious sense I think. I feel like a jerk not wanting to know but at the same time I want to be able to do things for myself too -- I'm at home where I do things so much more differently. Before college I didn't have to tell people how my day went all the time or battle to ask follow up questions. I didn't have to sit in awkward moments because this is my family. So don't expect too much of me. Even after everything that's happened I still can't do it and I don't feel as guilty because I don't have to see your face -- So maybe I said we're 'best' friends but I'm sorry because I didn't actually mean it. You're not my best friend because I don't do best friends. You know a lot about me now, more than I would have liked to share and that scares me -- I think it's hard to get close to people because I get this feeling if I were to wrong them after they've learned about me they might exploit me. It's stupid and a toxic way to think, I know. There's just this part of me that's sitting in a box with all my thoughts and interests and I only let someone grab certain things from that box. Once I give them out I can't get them back and they can be passed on without my consent -- It's scary and embarrassing trying to be open and honest when I can't even do that with myself. I don't even know who I am and I know you don't either no matter what you see from the outside -- Deep down I will always resent the people closest to me because they're not me. Not in a narcissist sense, just that I know I don't face the same hardships as people yet I see them from the outside and assume lots of things are fine with them -- Anyway, I was reading a webtoon and got caught up in my feelings.

- I look around sometimes and I'm not there. I don't really understand it but I'll just keep living.

- It'll all pass over. It always does.