watermarks

This year a mix of terrible and tremendous things happened to me. I went back to university to pursue the idea of a girl I was three years ago - receive a postgraduate diploma, do a masters overseas, and be a writer - and as I was doing this, frankly terrible, degree I forced myself to fight my intuition and stick to it because it was something I thought I should want. I realized I am a writer, I always have been, and I have grown from someone who used to be terrified of writing an imperfect sentence to someone who writes imperfect poems mostly every day, but still goes on. My grandfather died, which affected me more than I ever thought it would, and I left university to emotionally support my mum and my nephew. I went off antidepressants, and my body and skin fell apart as a result. I thought it was a reaction to stress, grief, changing my mineral powder to Bare Minerals, and even had a smear test to make sure it wasn't an ovary issue. My hormones had changed dramatically and quitting escitalopram cold turkey essentially fucked up my skin. I've been on isotane for nearly two whole months now, which wasn't a big decision for me, it was just a last resort. I was on it when I was seventeen for 10 months, and up until May this year I had near-perfect skin. It's starting to get better, and I'm dealing with the dry lips with some great lip conditioner and Elizabeth Arden 8 hour cream (anyone who ever goes on isotane/accurate don't even bother with chapstick and THROW OUT Lucas Paw Paw). I was unemployed since December last year and I swore to myself I wouldn't work anywhere that wasn't going to at least help or lift me toward writing as a career path. In August a situation literally fell into my lap and in a matter of a day I got an entry-level job working in the Scripts department of New Zealand's longest running drama. This has by far been the greatest thing to happen to me, it's a lot of administrative work but I spend roughly 50 hours a week surrounded by three brilliant writers who edit the scripts, bouncing off and learning from them, reading, and figuring what makes a "good" script and what makes a "bad" script. My boss wants to give me an episode to write in the first part of 2017 also, which is terrifying, but I have the best people around me to do it. When I left uni after Poppa died, I started putting a lot more effort into coffeecupoetry, and it's starting to grow in a promising way... on my birthday I actually got the most amazing offer from a completely compostable packaging company here, and will be working all through January on a couple of designs. I'll talk more about that when it comes to fruition. I learned a lot about friendships. Friendships that had gone for important reasons but came back this year stronger, friendships that I had outgrown, and particularly people I couldn't trust to be in my life anymore. The lessons there have been invaluable, that you don't owe anything to people who betray your trust, and you deserve to surround yourself with only those people who don't weigh you down. It can be selfish, but it's necessary, and often best for both parties. Those who have followed me for a long time know that I have had a strenuous, often degrading, situation with the same guy for around five years now. And I'm embarrassed to say even after countless, obviously weak-willed attempts (with the best intention) I failed to rid myself of that relationship. I have been gaslit, lied to, ignored, called names, told I'm crazy or dramatic when I try to bring up the issues that make it such a toxic relationship, I have been threatened, borderline stalked, and I have bowed into submission time and time again, to receive no love, no support, no friendship, not even sexual gratification in return. And it's messed me up. I realise that I should have been strong enough to cut this person out a long time ago, and take the power they have over me back. I have been able to do it with friends even when it's been hard, and so there's no justification as to why I can't do it with him. Except, I'm going somewhere different with my life now and that relationship no longer suits me. He won't ever change the way he views and treats me, or give me closure, or kindness, so I have to let him and it go. Overall 2016 was a year of throwing away inaction, looking hard at circumstances and seeing how you can change them when and if you can, and when unavoidable things happen, going into problem-solving mode as opposed to wallowing in fear. I believe it has been this way for a lot of people. I've taken a hard look at myself and the person I want to be, and know I can be. I normally don't do resolutions, I just change. I have amazing opportunities coming toward me, I have amazing friends, and I believe in myself and my capabilities. This time last year I couldn't say that. I am so grateful for every misstep, every person, and every ounce of love in my life.