english dumbass guy

As with all Apple product launches a scintillating page has been set up on their website to promote the exciting features on their new mobile operating system iOS 9. Improved notes, split screen and an updated Siri are just some of the features demonstrated via crisp, hi-res images of iPhones and iPads.

However, when you look at the page properly something deeply troubling emerges. Apple have photographed the iPhone and iPad of a person called Eden Sears and there is something very, very wrong with her.

At first glance you could be forgiven for thinking everything is alright in Eden’s life. It’s 9:41am and she has full reception, WiFi, 100% battery, she’s nearby to food, drink, shopping AND fun and her friends Nisha, David, Erin and Steve all seem like healthy, happy people. Surely everything is rosy for Eden? Wrong.  

Another shot of Eden’s phone begins to tell a different story:

It’s a text exchange with Jeanne reminiscing about a trip to the park on Saturday. Eden laments that she didn’t win a ‘single hand’ playing cards. Jeanne then stabs and twists: ‘Probably because we could see your cards reflected in your sunglasses.’ ’Seriously?’ replies Eden. 

By all measures, Jeanne and everyone else playing cards on Saturday are a bunch of fucking twats. By all means play a little trick on Eden but tell her then and there. Don’t wait till days later to send her a smug text and picture of you relishing being twats. Jeanne doesn’t even mention it when she sends the picture of the card game; Eden has to remind her that she didn’t win a single hand and only then does Jeanne spill the beans. Then, adding insult to injury, she doesn’t even bother to reply! Not even three dots showing an attempt. Jeanne is a prick and if she was my mate she would’ve been binned off months ago. 

Over to Eden’s iPad now, which shows a complex personality and a troubled history:

One thing is clear: Eden is hyper-productive. It’s 9:41am and she has already read at least seven emails, watched an episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and endured that taunting text exchange with Jeanne. She lingers on an email from Sarah Castelblanco with the subject ‘Not the same without you.’ It reveals she left a job where she worked in an ‘old cube’ and was known for having an ‘endless supply of office gossip.’ Eden is bitchy, but loveable. Sarah then proceeds to slag off a guy called Larry for having ‘terrible taste in music’. Give Larry a break Sarah, he works in an a fucking cube. 

The latest email shows another of Eden’s so called friends, Lauren Bosak, laying on some serious guilt:

It starts with, ‘Hi Eden’ and then straight into, ‘I really wish you could have been at Eric’s housewarming party.’ Not the usual ‘how are you’ or ‘hope you’re enjoying the weather’. Just straight in - she really wanted Eden at Eric’s housewarming party. She’s even added attachments, presumably of Eric’s rooftop party, to show her what she’s missed. Interestingly, no email from Eric. He was probably chilled out about it. But Eden let Lauren down big time. Shit off, Lauren. 

As if that wasn’t enough to deal with Paul Hikiji is going to miss tomorrow’s volleyball.

Start pulling your fucking weight, Paul. 

If I’d been bombarded with all that stress, disappointment and guilt before 10am, I’d be straight back in bed. But not Eden. She’s organising Carson’s birthday party.

She’s got a lot on her plate. Sure, she’s called the party supply store about the balloons but she’s still not sent out the invitations OR chosen the cupcake flavours (she spells it flavors because either she’s american or too busy for the letter ‘u’). And is that all? Oh no, she’s remodelling the kitchen.

She wants a modern kitchen, stainless steel, clean. She wants to forget about the mess in her life with a wipe-clean kitchen. She’s got to make it work in a ‘small space’. She’s claustrophobic. She feels trapped. 

With all that’s going on in Eden’s life, she’s developed a coping mechanism.

She’s overspending. There’s an ‘American Express’ card, a ‘CapitalOne’ card and a 'Discover it’ card. That is a total of THREE credit cards. One credit card is OK, two is a worry, three is a full blown problem. Note too that she has a $54.06 balance at Dunkin Donuts. That’s a lot of cash to have on a Dunkin Donut card. How many donuts are you eating, Eden? Plus 300 points on a ‘mycokerewards’ card. Who even has a mycokerewards card? Someone on a serious downward spiral, that’s who. 

She’s overeating, she’s got mammoth debts and still she’s spending on new kitchens and posh cupcakes for Carson’s birthday. I bet Carson is a dick to her and all. And don’t forget, she’s still got to explain why she wasn’t at Eric’s rooftop party. And deal with Jeanne’s spineless taunts. What a clusterfuck of a day. 

So who even is Eden Sears? Well, I googled her and this LinkedIn profile came up.

Apple have taken photographs of the iPhone and iPad of their own marketing director! Not only that but they’ve completely exploited her to promote iOS 9 with no regard whatsoever for the fact that she is clearly about to have a nervous breakdown. What kind of pitiful organisation does that to one of its employees? Shame on you Apple. Taylor Swift was right. 

But there is perhaps hope for Eden, to be found in one little email nestled at the bottom of her inbox.

Much of it is cut off so we’ll never know the true content but Kelly Robinson’s subject heading is clear: ‘Lost and found’. That’s a profound subject heading at 8:06AM. What could it mean? I have a theory. I live in hope that Kelly has spotted the truth: Eden is lost. And maybe, with Kelly’s help, she can be found.

The owner of the drone was so impressed by the brilliant attack that he suggested organizing a competition for bringing down “dragons” with short spears next year.