So if you care to find me Look to the western sky!

On one hand, I was struck by just how GOOD parts of it were.

It's first person, but my narrator has a clear, defined voice. She breathes on the page. She feels real. The other characters feel fleshed out. Their interactions, with her, and with each other, don't feel stilted or forced. My prose has flow - flow I feel like some of my recent attempts has lost. (which, TBH, is why I haven't been writing much lately.)

On the other, some of it is so, SO BAD. It's dated (people still have answering machines and caller ID). The ending is cliche and changes narrator suddenly, so it's totally jarring and doesn't fit with the rest of the story. My original narrator has a bad tattoo that has to go - which, fine. It's non-essential to the story.

And honestly, at nearly 51, the characters just feel too young. I'm clearly trying to cram too much living into too short a life, like I expected everyone to identify with my life: married, kids and divorced before 25.

So... since we last spoke...The hardest thing first.

In late 2023, my dad was diagnosed with stage 3/4 liver and colon cancer that metastasized into his femur via a missed hairline fracture, forcing an immediate hip replacement. We thought he was doing well - they gave us a 90% chance at 10-year survival rate. Six months ago, right after the hip replacement, he stopped responding to chemo. Suddenly, our 10-year plan became "A year, maybe two, if we're lucky".

We've moved into experimental treatments (glass beads filled with radioactive material embedded directly at the tumor site), and even that... doesn't seem to be too promising. Dad can't stand or walk on his own. He's housebound because he refuses to use a wheelchair. He's lost 1/3 of his body weight, all of his hair, and most of his teeth.

My step-siblings have refused all attempts to communicate with my parents since the diagnosis, which... is concerning, since they both have an increased genetic risk factor and that might be relevant info they should know. After two years of trying and being blocked on every method, my parents have given up.

Which breaks my heart, because I can't be there every day. Mom is being paid to be his caregiver - so legally she can't leave the house but an hour a day. They're both alone all day long, with only the occasional check in from the neighbors. The step-sibs both live closer and they can't even accept a text or a call.

We're living by the motto of "not today" but privately, I'm having to come to the terms that one of these days, it will be "today". And I can't let them see me cry, so it's usually in the dead of night or in the shower where I can pretend it's the soap in my eyes where I break down and start admitting that whatever days we get, it'll still never really be enough.

Oh wow... okay, enough about that because now I'm crying again and it's hard enough to see the keyboard these days without the added extra blur effect.

SO.......

I turned 50. And quit dying away my grey streak - it looks kinda punk now.

I went back to night school 1 night a week. (Mostly tech stuff related to my job.)

Studied for and passed the HARDEST exam I've ever taken in my career. Like people with engineering degrees sweat this thing, and I, with my lil old HS diploma, managed to pass with 4 points over passing. EEK! Now I get to put these cool initials after my name in my work email signature that tell people I actually DO know WTF I'm talking about.

Started teaching myself Greek and then actually WENT to Greece by myself for almost 2 weeks. I want to go back so much!

Booked a trip to Peru and started training for the altitude, because 14,000 ft in Cuzco is no joke, and far higher than I've ever experienced. I don't want to pass out on my way to Machu Picchu.

Went to my first (and second!) Savannah Bananas games.

Saw Styx and Foreigner in concert.

Bought tickets to go see Kansas in concert.

(Yes, I'm old. Get off my lawn.)

Got to go curling in Detroit at the oldest curling center in the US. (It's actually really fun, even if it is COLD)

I found an anti-depressant that actually works with my brain. Hallelujah! Side effect - I've lost 28 pounds cause I quit self medicating with food and booze.

Oh, yeah... I also quit drinking. Except for one very unfortunate night in Feb where I learned why my meds say not to mix with alcohol. (HOLY HANGOVER FROM HELL BATMAN - and I DIDN'T EVEN CATCH A BUZZ FIRST!) I have been stone sober for almost 4 months.

And I gave up on dating, because holy shit does inner peace look like dancing by candlelight in my own living room and not giving a shit anymore.

Oh, and I fell into the Heated Rivalry rabbit hole. God help me. As if I needed another obsession. Between Marvel, Interview with a Vampire, Heated Rivalry and the Quinn app.... there are WAY too many pretty, pretty men out there.

Which is cool - I now think of them like I think of Birkin bags. They're really pretty. Way out of my price range and my league. I have nowhere to put one and no desire to take care of one. So, I'll just sit back and admire it in the window and spend my money doing something else I love instead. LOL!